BPDFamily.com

Hi ~

On the probably three occasions (out of thousands of texts) that I texted a question to my BPD gf and then did not immediately respond to her text back to me with an answer to my question, I "got in big trouble." Recently, I posed a question, she answered, and she followed that with "HELLO?" Her answer and the hello text had the same timestamp! Apparently, not immediately responding to her made her feel as if I was ignoring her. So, I've been very mindful and haven't done this since we talked about it.

Now ... .she is doing this to me *at least* once a day - she sends a question in a text message, I answer and then she doesn't reply to my answer. I don't know why she's doing this. Do you? Its quite obvious that she is now doing to me what she kinda raged at me about doing to her.  How do I respond? So far, I've said nothing. I'm wondering if this falls under the category of the BPD not having to follow the same rules they lay down for their SO. Should I address it? Does she know she's doing this? Her non response is not an issue for me.  If figure she got busy.  This is only a "thing" because it's something she and I just agreed I would not do to her.

Guidance would be great! Thanks.

PS - I should have included this in my original post. This is only one example of her "breaking her own rules." I "smother" her somehow (she won't explain this), but then she says to me, "why haven't you 'liked' my last two Facebook posts?" that were posted maybe hours before she admonished me for not being "all over her FB" the way she is mine. Once, she hadn't heard from me for three hours - that turned into a circular argument before I knew what circular arguments were. And then she turned around and "disappeared" for hours.  So, this isn't isolated. A "rule" is applied to me, but she doesn't have to follow it. Or blatantly breaks it. I don't know how to respond - I want to be loving and supportive and not break her spirit which is so easy to do.

I would say this might be a case of picking your battles. If it's really bothering you that she does things differently than what she wants you to do, then have the conversation. If it's something that can be overlooked, then ignore it and move on.

Personally I do not play into the game of having to respond back immediately. My rule is that if I get a text that means I can answer at my own leisure. If an immediate answer is needed then a phone call can get that info. This is a boundary that I set with my employees and my husband also understands this.

Occasionally when he is worked up, my H may begin to bother me about not responding quick enough. If I am truly busy then I won't even look at the texts until I'm free. When i respond then I say something like, "Sorry I couldn't respond sooner. I was in a meeting... .then respond."

As for the hypocritical rules, look at what is reasonable to the average person. Is the "rule" really reasonable? Is she putting this rule on you in the heat of argument (My H forgets these rules as soon as he is calm)? Perhaps you can have a conversation that talks about how if she wants you to respect her in doing something then you expect her to behave the same. Share with her that it's unfair for her to not follow her own rules but to get angry when you don't follow them either.

Nothing good will come of pointing out the hypocrisy. Instead, she will feel shamed and invalidated, and will lash out and attack you because of it. Just don't go there if you can avoid it!

Better to look at both sides of it separately.

Is the "rule" she is trying to impose upon you one you are willing and able to comply with? If so, do your best. If not, you have to deal with the unreasonable rule/demand.

Is the "rule" she is breaking with you one that bothers you? If you don't mind (other than the hypocrisy!), try to let it go and not worry about it. If it bothers you, try to find a way to protect yourself from it.

Think of it like dividing up a piece of cake between two children. "Equal" would be cutting it in half. But preferences differ. Perhaps they would BOTH be happier and consider it fair or more than fair if one got all the icing and the other got all the cake inside.

Hypocrisy will be rife and you will not be able to readdress it. As the others have said focus on what you are willing to do as far as meeting her requests, work on your boundaries and dont fall into appeasement traps. Be consistent, and aware that 'agreements" will not be adhered to voluntarily.