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I hate it when I can see a blow up coming and there is nothing I can do to stop it. It's like pressure begins to build and I know that it has to be released somewhere. I have managed to step around 3-4 blow ups in the last few days. I'm worried this weekend will not go well when I am around him both days. My guess is Sunday he will melt down.

It started on Tuesday. I accidentally rejected him twice. He laid on me and I asked him to get off me because he was hot. He pointed out that earlier in the day I let the dog lay on me and I loved on the dog for almost 30 min. Touche! Second thing was that I spent the evening updating Quicken. Our computer died so I was starting over entering things into Quicken and it took hours.

Wednesday he became hyper-critical. I forgot to start the coffee pot (although I had gotten everything else prepared to make coffee). I also didn't laugh loudly enough at his joke (I laughed, just not as much as he wanted). Then I was making food to take to a food day at work. He began picking at the food and I asked him not to eat so much of the cheese and not to eat extra tortillas. I hurriedly threw together 2 tacos for him so that he would stop picking. All of this meant that I cared more about the people at work than him.

Thursday he was ramped up about somehting he read on fb. I didn't know how to respond so I just listened to him talk about it. On top of that I had to leave for work at my usual time but he wasn't done talking yet. He made a comment about me leaving him for work. He texted me for almost an hour about the thing he read on fb. I think i validated ok because shortly after I validated he stopped texting me.

Today he made another comment about me having to leave him for work. He told me the dog gets upset when I go. I asked him if he feels lonely when I leave and he said he does. That seemed to help a little. But 5 min before I left he got onto his "church is bad" subject. I didn't respond the way he wanted and he started to split me. (I have been telling him I do not want to talk about this subject anymore because he obsesses over it and he splits me black because I don't agree with him completely).

Tomorrow I am going to be gone for most of the day in a workshop. He was ok with me going to this at the beginning of the week and was even ok with me spending the $ on the workshop. His current mood may see my being gone as a rejection.

I'm trying so hard not to walk on eggshells right now. I'm finding that after spending time with him I am clenching my jaw so tightly that my face hurts. It feels like I am walking through a landmine and I have no idea what next thing will be the one that causes him to explode.

I can keep dodging near hits with validation and empathy, but I've noticed that if I do this for a prolonged period, the stress keeps building in him and when he does blow up, it becomes rage. It's almost like he needs the release of a dysregulation to get back to normal.

Hi Tattered Heart,


As I was reading your post it brought up memories of when my exuBPDw and I were together, I recall feeling dread before the work week was finished and worrying about the weekend and what she was to find at fault with me, then there was vacation time, I dreaded that too.

It's possible that he's going to view as rejection, then again he might now, we can't tell what will happen for sure, we can predict through from past behavior and I hated that dreadful feeling, walking on eggshells, a workshop will be good to get away, if you like the workshop theme. I'm not sure what else to say, all we can do is try the tools and if they fail then at least we tried, I hope that talking about it helps.

Omg, Tattered Heart, I feel like you just wrote about my life. 

I'm new on this site and just learning about BPD therefore unqualified to offer much advice but I can certainly empathize with you.  It is good to read these posts and discover others are experiencing the same situations -  I've not lost my mind! (as my dBPDh would have me believe)

I too have noticed a pattern with my dBPDh in that he builds and builds (with him it seems to build in an excited, animated "happy" way) until it all hits the fan.  It seems that when they reach this point there is no deflecting? 

I hope you completely enjoy and immerse yourself in the workshop :)

Hi Tattered Heart

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I can definitely see how his reactions could make you feel uncomfortable and cause you stress. Perhaps it can help to try to keep your mind in the present moment as much as possible instead of focusing on what might happen in the future. Like Mutt says, it might happen, or it might not. Currently though you are stressed out whether it happens or not. You might not be able to change his behavior, but you might be able to change the way you deal with stress.


Another thing to keep in mind that might help, is that validation is only one of the techniques described on this site. Depending on the situation, other ones might be more appropriate such as S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N. For both those techniques a solid handle on validation is helpful, yet they also add other elements to the communication.

You say you are trying not to walk on eggshells around him, but it seems like you are turning yourself inside out to avoid a blowup. It seems like he is looking for a reason to blow up, and throwing "bait" at you left and right to see if you'll give him a reason. I can imagine that feels completely exhausting!

What about, instead of tap dancing around the landmines he throws out, you focused more on enforcing your boundaries? For example, your boundary is, ":)on't pick at the food I'm preparing for an event." Instead of making extra for him, what could you do that protects you? Perhaps pack the food up as you go, so he doesn't get into it? And if he's complaining that you care about your coworkers more than you do him, you can say, "I know it seems like I'm putting in a lot of time and attention on this, but if I don't do it, I'll feel bad for not participating. Do you want to do this with me?" Getting him to help you could potentially kill two birds with one stone. He won't feel ignored/neglected, and you get help! Just a thought.

You said something about him almost needing the dysregulation to get back to normal. Maybe he does. Maybe he doesn't. Either way, you cannot control his moods, and they will happen when they happen. (Not sure how much he can control them either, 'tho he has more influence than you do)

It is good that you are doing better at handling the buildup.  |iiii  Keep up that good work; you know the tools pretty well by now.

Can you get to the point where you feel good enough about your tools for handling a full blowup that you aren't afraid of that either?

Is there something specific that he will do when he really blows up that you are afraid of?

How are you doing, TH? How are things at home?

heartandwhole

So sorry, TatteredHeart. I remember this all too well. 23 years of it. I have journals filled with diagrams, calendars, notes and accounts of things that had happened in a vain attempt to stave the inevitable blowup off.

The only thing that changed things (besides me asking for a divorce we are now separated) is I changed my reaction to: Nothing. I wouldn't react. I would state my request: "Stop eating the food please." Then I would let him ramble on and not say another word. Pack my food then, walk away.

It's good you are fully aware of the lead-up to the blow-up. Rather than walking on eggshells, try not reacting at all to the bait. (I had a small post it on my desk that read: ":)on't Take The Bait" to remind me) Go on a walk. He may block your way out of a room (a favorite of my stbexh) I would say: "Please move" with no emotion in my voice. I think the shock of him not being able to get a rise out of me stunned him into complying.

The culmination of my non-reaction is that we did, eventually, grow apart and now this. The way I saw it was, either I live like this forever, or I work on breaking free. I chose the latter.

Stay well, my friend. We all are pulling for ya.

Everyone one needs an emotional release now and then, and sadly, for pwBPD it sounds a lot like, just as with my H, they cannot manage their emotions on their own.  H has finally told me, after years together, that he ha realized he cannot feel he got his emotions out without yelling at a person.  He could be mad at the weather, but he needs to express it TO me if he can and AT me if he feels I am ignoring him or invalidating him. 

I posted on another board how I need to release my pent up anger and frustration alone, in the car, just to get it out.  And I feel fine, after.  A little drained, a little empty, kinda like after you get past a stomach bug and feel hollow but on the mend. 

H can't do that on his own.  He has been super angry at video games, but he won't yell at the screen (or into the mic) until I walk int he room.  He needs an audience to hear the tree falling of his feelings that he does not know how to manage.  And I consider him to be moderately high functioning. 

Tattered - he's got to get it out.  And sadly, yes, you are the likely focal point of it, even if you are not the cause of it. 

Is there any way to re-direct him, make him physically exhausted (house projects/chores he'd be willing to do), or something, to where the energy for a rage is blown early int he day?

So things turned out quite a bit better over the last week than I expected. We had a last minute inspection for getting into a farmer's market and he turned his attention to preparing for that. He kept making little comments about me scheduling this at the last minute, but I just ignored those. When the inspector came out on Sunday, it resolved whatever tension he had going on.

So this week we have both been on overdrive trying to prepare things for the market tomorrow. He's actually been pretty nice. Just yesterday he sent me a text thanking me for all the stuff I've been doing this week.