BPDFamily.com

For 2 1/2 years, I've been friends someone who has BPD.  She was diagnosed two years ago.  I've been through it all with her--a suicide attempt, being painted black multiple times, the push/pull, watching her go through boyfriend after boyfriend.  But because I'm passive and was always walking on eggshells, every single time she would verbally abuse me, shut me out of her life for weeks or months, and then contact me one day like nothing had ever happened, I would just go along with it, never letting my feelings known and never daring to bring up past events.

Recently, I've been under a lot of stress at work, and I've been dealing with depression.  Yesterday, she texted me and told me that no one wants to talk to me because no one cares about my pity party.  And that's when I decided that I've had enough of her putting me down all the time.  I said, "I understand that you get mad or frustrated with me, but you don't need to be so cruel."  She replied, "I try to be nice, but you don't listen."  I explained that no one deserves to be called names and that, if she can tell me when something I say or do makes her upset, I should also have that freedom.  She read my messages but never replied, which I was completely expecting.  However, this is the first time I've ever spoken up and told her that her words hurt me.  I know it won't change anything and that it's likely she'll give me the silent treatment for a few weeks, but I'm proud of myself for actually saying something.  I refuse to have a childish argument with her, so I closed by saying that I wish her all the best. 

We all get mad, frustrated, etc.  However, that doesn't mean that we should tolerate verbal abuse from someone else.

In general, I'm a very passive person, and I have social anxiety, so I find it difficult to express my feelings in most situations.  Though the outcome of this situation will likely not be positive, I at least took a step out of my comfort zone. 

 |iiii Congratulations on a big step forward


Do you have other friends or family who are are supportive and validating?

Given her BPD, she probably isn't capable of much there, and by accusing you of a pity party and blaming you, you get the opposite of support from her, as you saw. Sadly you may get more of this from her.

Yes, I have other supportive people. 

I do know that she is trying to be a better person, but without therapy, there's only so much she can do.  The guy she's dating now seems really, really nice.  He's a bit older than her, has his own place, etc.  She's really happy right now, but I can also tell that she's mirroring him to the extreme, and so I'm trying not to let myself fall into a trap of thinking she has completely changed for the good.  I can still tell that everything has to be about her.  Even today, when I texted her about how the festival I was planning on going to was cancelled today due to weather, she replied with, "I'm worried that my flight will be delayed."  And when the guy she was dating last year had to go to rehab, her main concern was that she would have to sleep alone for a few weeks.  So, even though I can see some improvements, I also have to wonder if most of them have to do with the fact that she's dating someone who is kind and mature.