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I've been going back and forth with a friend with BPD for a long time now. Fell in love with her shortly after getting close... She was the kindest most caring person id ever met in my life. I Kept my feelings to myself... Tried to tskr it slow but that didn't really work. She idealized me for  months . Told me how I was unlike any other guy she has known. And how important I was in her life. Got me hooked really fast.

Once the summer ended she sort of disappeared. I was heart broken. Still kept contact but was very distant. We met one day to talk and she told me about her BPD. had no idea what it was at the time. And should of just took that as a sign to leave her alone. But i cared about her so damn much i wanted to help her even more.  started reading up on it. 

We slowly stsrt to get close. And then she pushed me away again... .

I was pretty broken for a few months and kept low contact. Started to see a therapist. I was so lost and depreased over this girl it was pathetic.

Everyone tells me to jusy grt ovet it. But ive never felt this pain before. At some point I started to even believe I had BPD. My therapist says i don't.

A few months go by and she starts to contact me more frequently... .eventually inviting me over.  I took the bait. I was crazy about her. Looking back i shoukd of set boundaries but I couldn't help myself. I've been lacking self respect recentl and I thought maybe this time would be different.

We spent alot of time together... I may have been a bit clingy but I'm not really sure.  She started to distant herself once again. Seems as tho everytime we get close she freaks out and pushes me away.

I was Once again heart broken. Beating myself up for it too. I know I need to move on but I can't.  And she continues to contact me almost everyday... It keeps me wondering. I don't think she truly knows the extent of how I feel. Cause I've never told her. I have a bad habit of internalizing my feelings and keeping em to myself. Especially with her.

So I guess what I need help with is how do i open up to this person without freaking her out. Seems like everytime I show any type of affection or love she bails and tells me ... lets just be friends... .And then later comes back to repeat all over again.

Hey Blue621,

I'm sorry that you feel heart broken   I think anyone would given unrocipricated feelings.  It's good that you have professional support.  It can be critical to get an unbiased view. I also tried to "pathologize" myself and my T assured me "no."

It's hard when friends tell you just to "get over it," that is very invalidating,  even if they mean well.

I get your comment about internalizing feelings.  I'm like that as well.  So it's good that you reached out to others here for support.

How did you reply when she said you'd be better off as friends?

Turkish

Hey Turkish,

I told her that I would respect her decision to be friends. Tried to be as calm as I could be. When I said that she sort of freaked out walked away from me. I  just stayed calm and friendly. I was upset but I can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do.

You gave a compassionate, neutral response, with boundaries unspoken,  but communicated. That is,  you agreed with her.  Maybe it wasn't what she wanted to hear.  Maybe she wanted to pursue her.  Let her be her and you be you. 

You mirrored back what she said, throwing the ball into her court without setting it on fire by messing making demands of your own.  Has she responded since then?

I got a call from her last night  haven't seen or spoken to her for a few days now.  We talked for a little while about our jobs and she asked about my family and how things were going.  We didn't bring up anything about our relationship. Just caught up on things. She asked if I'd like to get together sometime. I told her I'd love to. So we plan on getting together one of these upcoming days. Not sure what to expect. Trying to keep my expectations low.

Well that's good news,  yes? You might want to start going through the lessons to the right of this board---->

The communication tools can help.

Do you have any expectations here?

Hi Blue,

What's happening now,  did you meet?

T

Hey Turkish.

It's been a hectic few weeks for me. She came by my place for dinner. She never brought up anything prior to that night. I didn't either. I just tried to enjoy the moment. We talked for hours about life and it seemed like she was having a great time... I felt a change on my end. Even led us to get intimate. She stayed the night and in the morning went out for breakfast. She mentioned future plans that she wanted me involved in. She gave me a kiss goodbye and went to work... .I didn't hear from her for a week after that. Then I reached out to see her again. She was busy. And ever since I reached out she hasn't really been all there. I've made a few attempts to see her but I get nothing. And it's been really draining on my end. I notice my self stsrt to chase after her. Being more affectionate and nothing works...   and the confusion starts all over. She doesn't ignore me completely. But I can definitely sense a rift between us. Not sure what to do anymore.

This is certainly confusing.

In our only recycle, I accepted that it was done.  Then I got the text,  "if you love someone then you would fight for them."

It's hard being in a one-down position. Some would take this as a power play. In my opinion,  that would my dysfunctional and add drama.  Being "cool" is an option. Coming off as desperate would likely turn on you. 

Can you just ask her,  not chasing her (as you say)  neutrally? ":)o you want to [do xyz activity]."

Im trying to stay cool and calm. Sometimes things just pour out without me even realizing it... I tried that too... She said she wasn't available due to her busy schedule. But didn't make an attempt to set up another day. Just left it at that.Not sure if I should stay persistent and try again this weekend  or just let things be and let her make the move. If she ever does. 

At this point,  I'd just take her at her word and respect that.  She may reach out later,  and be open to it,  if you feel that it's right for you at the time.  You might give it a few weeks and and a "hey,  how have you been doing?" Type message. I'd keep it neutral like that,  rather than "been thinking about you... ." etc.

I'm going to do my best to take a step back... .it's hard for me. Also, all the back and forth push pull stuff really isn't healthy. It takes a toll on me mentally. I know it's not hers but my own issues on why I feel this way.   Thanks for the advice.

These are good realizations. Being self-aware is perhaps the best step to asserting our own boundaries (for any relationship,  BPD or not) for self-preservation and growth. Exploring the "why?" of ourselves makes us stronger.