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I have taken some significant steps toward detaching over the last few weeks from the abusive and often rageful actions of my stbx, and there was definitely some relief from the chaos. I chose to temporarily bring the kids and I over to my parents house because he was not getting it that I wanted little to no contact, and felt he could call or show up any time he felt like it at my house. I am sure he thinks that he will get back control but I have stayed strong and requested that he limit his communication with me to issues directly related to the kids. He doesn't seem to be able to handle that for very long and has started to harass me again by calling me and saying really awful things, most of the time ending with how horrible I am to destroy him and interfere with his relationship with his kids. I don't engage anymore when he throws these projections out, and I also don't react when only hours later he tries to say that I should want to be kind to him "for the sake of our children". Over the last year of separation, he has at times thrown out wild accusations of my supposed affairs and gets fixated on some individual that I work with. The most recent was just last night when he called late to say he heard I was with someone and started using sexual language and naming someone who has been a coworker and friend of mine for over 10 years... .who is nothing but a good friend. I told him to stop harassing me and said I would not engage in any dialogue about his paranoid ideas. I also sent him an email outlining that I request for him to stop using abusive language and to only contact me if it is directly related to the kids. I stated that a mediator or therapist needs to be involved if there is further discussion.
Any ideas on how to make him stop?

It's more difficult with kids involved. You obviously just can't not communicate with him. My best advice would be to change your steps in the dance routine you guys have created for so long. It sounds like you are doing that. But I caught fleas in my relationship. I was being the harassing beggar. It probably just fueled her. Putting myself in his shoes any little contact, even if it is to stay "stay away" keeps the door open for him to keep communicating. It surely made me more adament about reaching out when she threw me table scraps of replies.

I would stay focused on your steps in this dance. If you do that he will either keep stumbling because he's trying to do the old dance, or he will realize that he needs to change his communication patterns, and learn to communicate only about the children.

I don't know if there can be an extinction burst when you have to, at best, go little contact. I'll leave that to those who are in a more similar situation. I just wanted to offer something.