BPDFamily.com

This is my second post, I have found reading others experiences and reading the resources in this group to be very helpful.

Reaching out again for some advice. My mom is undiagnosed but has very stron BPD traits.

10 years ago when I was 25 my mom met a guy (flavor of the month i thought) she went on a trip to Florida worth this guy and came home to Michigan married! This man was rafeguul, unpredictable and my younger siblings 15 and 17 were terrified of this man. Fast forward 3months and my mom was selling her house, packing up and moving to Florida. My brother has just graduated HS and she was basically leaving him to stay with friends/homeless. My HS age sister who was terrified to move to FL called the police. My mom was notified it would be kidnapping to take her due to court documents so she left her behind as well. My 15 year old sister moved in with me and I took over caring for her until she went to college.

My mom has been in FL since... .divorced the man. But has been gone from Michigan 10 years. My sister and I have grown and moved on from this stitation and are both doing well for our selves. I am married, have an awesome little boy and pregnant with my second. My sister is engaged just bought a house. We are both close with our in laws. Life is good with mom living 1500 miles away. We talk on the phone with her some. Visits rarely occur. The distance has helped keep a boundary.

Well now all of a sudden my mom is on a kick to come back because she's "missing out on our lives" she's got her house for sale. Job or no Job she's going to come here and live with her elderly mom until she finds work. This means she will be 30min from me. She thinks she will be seeing me all the time, babsitting my kids, attending their events and working herself into my life that is 10 years distanced from her.

I don't trust her. She's manipulative, alcoholic, self centered, has attempted suicide twice, basically a loose canon. I don't want to see her regularly, I don't want her to negatively influence my kids, I know she will use the "I moved here for you guilt" to me this is my worst nightmare. I am anxious, nervous, feel I have nobody who understands why I feel this way about my mom. So I am hoping for some advice or guidance to manage this situation and keep my sanity.

Hi Munka22

Welcome back and congrats on the upcoming baby :)

Your mother in many ways hasn't really been a mother to you and your sister. That is very sad and something many of our members can relate to. Given your past experiences with her, it makes sense to me that you would worry about her returning.

Whether she returns or not, this (unfortunately) is not something you can control. If she were to return, I think it will be crucial for you to work on setting and enforcing/defending boundaries and asserting yourself. We have some material here that can help you with that:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries)

D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0)

The D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique is specifically aimed at asserting ourselves and expressing needs for change.

To help you deal with your anxiety, it might also be helpful to look into mindfulness/meditation. This can help you keep your mind focused on the present and less on what might or might not happen in the future. Have you perhaps already tried mindfulness/meditation before?