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My daughter has most the BPD and npd traits. She cut off her connection to me about a year ago because I began refusing her demands. In fact she has cut off everyone in her family. My day to day life is calmer, but I think about her too much and worry.  I think I should let her go, but my brain won't. She put me through hell for years and I know it would be the same. I'm tired of her abuse and demands. I'm feel guilty that I wasn't able to help her, but I came to realize that was something she had to do for herself. I guess with Mother's Day tomorrow, I am missing the relationship I always hoped we have.

Hi there Hopealso

I just wanted to say hello and welcome you to the forum.

Life's always calmer when they're not around. It isn't until they're gone that you can see just how much emotional energy that was spent on them and that's just not a very healthy or happy way to live. It sounds like you came to the conclusion that you needed to put yourself first. That takes a lot of courage.

I've worked hard on improving my communication and validation skills and my relationship with my adult son26 has vastly improved. I've learnt a new way to interact with him and am able to set boundaries and limits. We still have the problems but I don't react the way I used to.

I'm sorry you're in no contact as that's tough.

How old is your daughter and do you get any news of her through extended family or friends?

I hope you do something nice for yourself today.

LP

"I feel you" as my students say! I have come to recognize that when I start to think about what I could do to help my daughter, what I could negotiate with her, that I am headed down the wrong path.  But, of course, you would think about her and not be able to let go.  I wouldn't try to change that feeling right now.  Just acknowledge it.  I am doing the same... .

It sounds like you are not enabling her, you are not enmeshed in an unhealthy relationship right now.  You just want and miss what any parent would.  I hope you have a nice day.  The sun is shining where I am and I am lounging in my PJs with my morning coffee to treat myself during mother's day!

I am in the no contact zone as well. This is round 3 or 4 for me. I have lost track. I do know we always wind up here. I am in a self protection mode now. Like you said I grieve for what could have been not what really is. I have had to let go of expectations. I heard the other day where you focus expands. I am trying to focus on other areas of my life that bring joy not pain. Even when my daughter and I are in contact I still do not feel joy. I am always waiting for the shoe to drop and the inevitable drama. I realized how my 31 yr old son has been ignored because of my daughters drama most of his life. Squeaky wheel gets the oil. He has been in the shadows while my daughter consumed all my time, energy, resources and attention. I apologized to him for that. He has 2 lovely children. I am paying them more attention now. I want to be around those that want to be with me not reject me. I just felt so guilty and sorry for my daughter I have been in constant rescue mode with. I am drained from it. The hardest part is not seeing the other 2 grand children. She now has passengers with her as she drives through her life with BPD. Gets harder to watch as she causes them pain. I am truly helpless and powerless in matters of what she chooses to do but not in what I choose to do. Take care

I so understand everything you've said and have been through. It's time for our happiness. I've been through these cycles over and over again with several of my adult children through the years. 3 out of 5 children have no contact with me,it's sad but it is was it is... .hugs my friend

Thank you all for the kind thoughts and for sharing your struggles with your own child.  It's good to feel understood.