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So I saw him today... .why did I see him., ? Because I have rejoined the living, I have reclaimed my life, my neighbor hood and me.

It's warm here, and I had on my fav tank and shorts and was outside with no care if he was on the route or not... .this is where I live

I didn't push it... .I saw my neighbor gardening, but knew he would be making rounds so didn't go chat with her... .although I thought about how it would be if he had to re route l,in the heat which he hates!  

He looked like a zombie... probably on a new medication...

Someone I can't with online mentioned that the order was probably s good thing as it allowed for things to go peacefully... .I never really saw that peaceful side of the protection order until today... .there is some peace in knowing he can't pull me back in and I can work on me... .I'm not ashamed of the order any more I tell people about it... .

So today I was in a tank top and I'm sure he took note... .he knows I'm a shy person... .so this means I have some of my confidence back... . 

He used to say we wouldn't be a good fit as he hates the heat and I wanted to move to Florida and him the mountains... .sometimes he could be so normal... .he was right though... I love the warmth and he hates it.  

I still have down days... and last nite as I sat in a place we would go to... .I started missing him when the crowds rolled in... .so I left... .

I miss having someone massage my neck and help me with stuff... .I miss having him stop by and chat , but I don't miss his instability

But I no longer regret being with my x... .for through him I saw all my flaws of my family , what I need to work on still... .I wouldn't have met some of the people in my life now... .I have two new roommates that will be moving in soon... .I canme to an agreement with my landlord for atleast six months... .
The weather is warmer and slowly I am rebuilding my life.


It's not easy , but I was in a ball crying every day , not eating and thinking my life was over ... .

I still have goals and need to find a new councilor in four weeks as my sessions de up... .
until then I'm going to live each day as best I can
My BPD x has lost the control he once had over me