BPDFamily.com

when the birds are singing
and nature is blooming... .

Summer hasnt even started, but i already want that it would end. But no, sun is shining and weather is getting warmer day by day. All those outdoor activities, i dont want to go anywhere because im afraid that i could see my ex. Life has shown that if the possibility is very little one it still somehow happens.

It's funny. On days that it was cold out or miserable on the weekend I was so happy because I thought it meant my ex couldn't be enjoying the day. And this nice weather hurts more because we always used to go to her parent's shore house in the summer. But then I realized that the seasons and weather are not "hers". They are mine to enjoy, and make memorable for myself. Sometimes it's harder than others. Especially this weekend which is a big holiday to go down the shore, and I know she will be there while I'm at home.

Ha!  I felt the same about my friend being out enjoying the weather whilst not giving a fig about how he had hurt me for the millionth time... .but you know what; I can go to the pub and sit in the garden and have a nice cold glass of wine or cider which is something he cannot do as he is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic.  I know that sounds petty but at least I can have a nice time while he sips tonic water when he goes out.  The sun and pub gardens are what British summers are made of  :)

If it makes you feel any better, spring/summer are almost singlehandedly responsible for my recovery from my BPDex? I'm not sure where you live, but summer in NYC brings EVERYONE out, not just awful exes, so your odds of running into them are proportionally constant? I'm trying here, haha.

Focus on what you like to do for yourself, don't give up entire towns or seasons to damaging people.

I am stopping myself from feeling exactly this way. Our happiness is not based on our exes, it is in our hearts and minds.

As grief stricken as I have been, I am not going to allow her co-dependent dominion over me.

The hard work has been done. I am detaching. Now time to embrace life with fresh eyes:

I've been thinking/feeling the same for over a month since the weather started getting better and the nights longer.
I'm stuck in a room with nowhere to go and it's a waste, it's also pretty depressing.
I might go to the pub later it's the only place I can go but it eats money.
In fact I'll have to go and see my friend who's wife died on Saturday, I've just rang him to see how he is.
So the first text I've had in a while was just more bad news.

Back to the weather, it's no good saying go for a walk it's not something I do on my own and my nerves and anxiety won't let me.
I'd rather it was cold and wet then I wouldn't feel like I was missing out.
So to me sunshine and light nights are not good.

One of my replacement ex-s asked from me this weekend that are they (my ex and her ex) really still together.
Its like more than a year already and i had nothing else to say than yes, they are. Makes me really question about myself.
It looks like this.
www.shrink4men.com/2013/02/06/the-next-guy-did-your-ex-girlfriend-or-ex-wife-downgrade/

I have no intentions to contact her, but some of these days are hard.

What does it make you question about yourself? I read your linked article, and while the tone is obviously to make a striking impression, I agree with the sentiments contained.

What helped me really stopped ruminating was to bear out my worst fears. If I assumed that it actually was all my fault, that she was having not only a wonderful, healthy relationship with my replacement, but the EXACT wonderful, healthy relationship I wanted with her; if I gave in to every fear and rumination and insecurity I had... .I took that, and I also remembered if that I tried as hard as I had available to me IN THE MOMENT to make the relationship work, then I couldn't control whatever factors made the relationship not happen. Monday morning quarterbacking is irrelevant, if there was an opportunity for me to have the strength, or the wisdom, or the patience to make it work, I certainly would have chosen to do so in the moment.

So why worry? Maybe the replacement is better for her than I was in every way. All that means is that she (and the relationship) weren't right for me, so why lament its loss?

I am questioning myself because if i am replaced by someone who is criminal, drunk driver, drug user etc then there must be something wrong with me if even someone like that could offer more than i did. I feel used and worthless.

My x is reclusive , but when it's warmer outside I am outside more and heck he's eight outside my door four four hours a day... .

What hits me the most is I wanted to be doing so much this summer with him, and we were together doing things in the cold winter months ... I have health issues and winter is the worst time for me... .

I'm sat here today and it's raining... .I'm depressed and really fixated on my x

Well, if every credible resource in the outside world says that people with cluster b behavioral tendencies (or high conflict personality types, or however you want to encapsulate that sphere) have trouble making healthy decisions, identifying their core values, and holding/defining their true personalities in a comfortable, self-sufficient way, which is more likely - that there's something you lack or broken with you that even a dangerous, taxing, self destructive person (criminal, drunk driver, etc) has or got right, or that she doesn't have the tools to evaluate goodness? I'm paraphrasing from Marcus Aurelius here (can you tell I'm a big stoic fan?) but essentially, those who make destructive decisions and seem to constantly be battling the consequences of their own damage, those decisions are still made according to (and congruent with) their value systems. If those value systems produce those results, why should we pay their judgments and decisions any heed?

Well said Optimus. I believe Marcus Aurelius also said, 'Know thyself' Idsrvt2 and I guarantee you that you are the opposite of worthless.

Don't give this person more power over you. They do not hold the key to your happiness, you do. Every emotion, every wonderful feeling you have, comes from inside you. Your ex may have brought it out in some way but the good stuff is inside you. The great news is you have a lifetime to feel all the good stuff again with somebody who can return those feelings.

i wouldnt necessarily encourage this when the wounds are super fresh, but i think theres a lot of wisdom to this. recovery and detachment are about facing our fears and the facts, and coming to terms with them. i think when one is able to do this, in a balanced way (not necessarily concluding that the problems within the relationship were 100% ours, but really owning what was) its a sign of detachment.

most of us have more than one ex, and we dont tend to compare ourselves against their success or failure, or whoever they are dating now. why? presumably because we are detached.

 C<||| happenedtome, im not sure the logical conclusion is "there must be something wrong with you", but its a feeling youre struggling with. why? what do you feel might be "wrong with you" at the moment?

I dont know, maybe i think the same way like many of us here - that if i would have done this and this and this then everything would have been fine.

Of course then i go on and think if i really would have done all those things would i have been also happy. Thats when it gets difficult. Probably i wouldnt have been happy, but living together is about compromises. Maybe i took my relationship too lightly or maybe she just got tired.

And then my replacement, maybe he just knows how to make women feel good. To say things what make women happy and i simply lack this ability. My ex didnt feel good with me, but she feels good with him. Thats how i see this.

My ex. lives across the street, I purposely try to avoid seeing or hearing her and for the most part have been able to do so. There is the odd time when it happens and it is nothing like when I was a short time into NC.
I did alter when I did things but made a point not to stop doing things for fear of running into her; part of taking our power back. It does get easier, one day at a time.

My one friend, who knows my ex, told me she probably needs a very superficial person who doesn't want to talk about feelings or someone very rich who can just entertain her. It hurt me when he said it. But he's right. So if the replacement is "perfect" maybe he just doesn't have any morals to stand up for himself, speak his mind, and really doesn't want to stress that a relationship is mutual. For all you know that person is thinking "how do I get out of this?" or is such a doormat that he's the perfect match.

Or maybe he treats her really bad. It seems like people with BPD are drawn to narcissists for that very reason. It fulfills what they believe about themselves. So there are a lot of things that could really be going on. But I don't know, and you don't know. I detached from my first BPD ex, and out of curiosity me and a friend looked at her facebook. She is so happy with my replacement and they have 2 kids now. Let me tell you they are the happiest couple I ever saw. Until I remembered something... .she used to post pictures of us with the same things being said. And deep down in my heart I was miserable. I wanted to get out, but she had no one.

Just always remember. What it looks like isn't always the truth.