BPDFamily.com

Hello!

I married my husband seven years ago; two years ago he was diagnosed with BPD.  I had been divorced ten years prior, and due to this disappointing experience I was careful about who I dated. I thought I did my homework right with him; we were introduced through family and friends, he was active in his church, and was well liked, he had a good occupation.  We dated for two years and I felt I could trust him, so when he asked to marry me I said "yes".  Right after we got married things changed.  He did not want to be with me intimately, (this started the third day of our honeymoon) and he would make up excuses.  Yet he would go and complain to people behind my back about the lack of intimacy we shared!  He has never shared a checking account with me, so I have to ask him for anything I need, nor have a mailbox key.  This is just a few examples of what I've experienced with him.  Medication has helped, but he needs to be in therapy on a regular basis. I feel the person I fell in love with was a facade.  I do not love him anymore, but I feel empathy for him.  I feel hurt and betrayed by what he has done, and worst of all - I have lost confidence in my own judgement. My only solace is the fact that I just received my Associates of Art degree, and I want to go on to earn my bachelor's degree in the field of Social Work.  I have come to this site, to learn, to heal and eventually help others.  I just received my copy of "stop walking on eggshells" of which I am going to start reading tonight.

Welcome Summer Skye.

Many of us are familiar with your experience.  Everything seems perfect, then a few days or a week after marriage, it's as if a switch has been thrown and we find ourselves facing a very different spouse than the one we committed to across the altar.  Chaos, accusations, withdrawing from intimacy, emotional outbursts, controlling behavior... .it can absolutely leave you questioning your judgment or even your sanity.  No doubt that you were careful about who you dated.  I know because I was thinking something similar, wondering how my sweetheart could so suddenly significantly from the person I'd seen almost daily for many months leading up to the wedding.

Understand that persons suffering from BPD often become intuitive experts at reading others.  They'll observe you and quickly pick up on what you are looking for, then become that person.  Once they are convinced that you're committed enough, the facade begins to crumble.  It makes sense that outwardly, everything seemed so right with him.  High functioning persons with BPD are very careful, if not outright obsessed, with maintaining the outward facing image of goodness and stability.

Stop Walking On Eggshells is a very helpful book for understanding both what you are facing and what your husband is dealing with internally.  I sincerely wish you the best at both understanding the situation and what you can do.  At minimum, you can do things to help and protect yourself.  From there, you can evaluate what you can do to help the relationship.

Thank you so much for your welcome.  Well since my first post I have been reading the book "stop walking on eggshells".  I identify with having experienced a lot of the behaviors of a spouse with BPD outlined in the book, and I have learned so... .much!  My husband is "highly functional" and because of that I can now forgive myself for not seeing the "real him" in the beginning of our relationship.  The thing for me that's hard to live with is the fact he always gives me the silent treatment.  I do not want to ask him what is "wrong" for fear that this will encourage this type of behavior.  I know he needs validation... .but I feel so exhausted of coping with this type of childish behavior.  I am looking forward to reading more of the book and hopefully learning some new skills in order to deal with this.  Again, I thank you so much for welcoming me.