BPDFamily.com

Hi there,

I'm recently single and was in a relationship with a woman I believe to have BPD. Every single thing I've read about it here, and on other forums and sites, and everything I've been told by several people in my circles who have experience with it, suggest that she almost certainly does have BPD.

Of course, I'm not a psychiatrist nor has one ever officially said she has BPD, to my knowledge.

The relationship dynamics were far too toxic to stay together. That being said, I do still love this woman, and I want her to be happy and healthy, if that is at all possible. However I don't know that she's going to be in a position to get the help that she needs. She claims to be seeing a therapist and I know she's been seeing a psychiatrist for medications, but I'm not aware of their dynamics and whether the kind of interactions with them (especially with what I consider to be a very distorted view of our own relationship dynamics) will put her in a position to get help, if she does in fact have it. I think she may "twist" the situation as such to conceal her more outrageous aspects from them and never give them the information needed to potentially have BPD on their radar of what might be suffering from.

I know that whether it's officially BPD or not, she is suffering through life somewhere deep inside herself. And I know that I can't personally help her, as "no good deed goes unpunished".

But I want her to get help, as someone who still cares about her, even if this relationship is over because of the damage whatever it is that she's dealing with has caused us.

Are there any resources that I could send her way at some point, to possibly help her see that she may have a problem, that won't come off as me saying she has "a personality disorder" (regardless of the fact that I think she does). I don't want to turn her off to getting help and I'm worried if I were to say anything, it would push her farther away from getting help than she already is, since I'm "the bad guy" now in the relationship, from her point of view.

Or is it best to leave her be and simply work on myself and forget about whether she's all right? That feels callous to me, considering how important she was to me - and how important her well being still is.

Any experience with this? Success stories? Failure stories? Advice in general about this?

Thanks everyone. This is tearing me up inside and I really want her to be healthy and happy, even if I never talk to her again. I hate the pain that it seems she's going through because of whatever it is that she's going through, and I want her to get whatever help she needs.

Caring about her wellbeing is a good thing.

There are two good reasons for you not to tell her you suspect she has BPD, though.

1. It usually goes really badly, if what I've read here is any indication... .and almost never results in getting good therapy (like DBT) to work on the issue.

2. As your ex, rather than your current partner, your leverage to get her to understand an unpleasant and difficult truth, and act on it is about zero. It really isn't your business to solve this anymore... .well... .unless she contacts you, tells you she has mental illness, and asks for your help!

She could well get help someday... .and you hope she will... .but don't delude yourself that telling her about it will make that any more likely!

That's sort of what I was leaning towards over the last few days - It's at least nice to know my instincts are agreed with my other people. I'd be curious if anybody has any experiences where telling the person that you suspect they have BPD, has turned out positively?

It does sound like there really isn't a scenario where I could be of help. I just feel so odd and uncomfortable sitting by knowing that somebody I cared about so much is suffering so much, and doesn't appear to be on a path to get help.

Hey Owen, Simple answer: No, you shouldn't tell her.  Agree w/GK.  It is likely to be poorly received coming from you.  Any diagnosis or suspicion of a diagnosis is best left to professionals.  LJ

I agree.  Though I try to not give advice around here, since you ask, I'll offer this.  If you have studied BPD, you are probably well off to avoid starting or deepening a relationship with someone who has BPD traits.  A diagnosis is irrelevant, and honestly, her future is now irrelevant to you.  If her T and P can't point her in a growing direction, an ex-boyfriend can't do better.
To mash-up advice I am taking for myself: in certain relationships, the most loving thing one can do is to let go with peace and love.  And let go.

Another vote for "no" here.

Denial and projection are part of the disorder. It is understandably upsetting to be told by somebody that you have serious emotional/mental issues. It is not likely to be received well even if your intentions are to be helpful.

I have heard that even some therapists do not use the term with their patients in order to help them. Saying "BPD" might result in them painting the T black and walking out the door. Using terms like "anxiety" "depression" "mood disorder" isn't dishonest- they are descriptive terms for the many issues that go with BPD and one can work on them too while also working on BPD.

I'd leave something like telling someone they have BPD to a trained therapist. 

Owen,

I am another vote for N-O = No.  Good advice from the rest.  Take it from me, it doesn't go well.  The first time I heard of BPD four years ago, peaked my interest because what I heard sounded just like my wife.  I think she meets at least 7 if not 8 of the 9 traits need for BPD (you only need to meet five).  I read more into it and I was convinced.  When I told her to be honest at first she didn't really freak out.  But as the months went by, she would come closer and push me away.  :)uring some of her introspective moments, she griped about not having an identity or self esteem, constantly feeling depressed, and not being able to get close to people.  Then I would come in with my cape and say something like, "like I said before, I can't diagnose you, you should get an official diagnosis. However, everything you're saying sounds like BPD."  It seemed as if between that and her other co morbid issue--alcoholism (self medication), every time I brought up one of those issues, only pushed us further apart.  

I thought I'd be wise last month, because it was BPD and Mental Health Awareness Month.  I have a family page on FB with just her family (she has blocked it), I posted some material about BPD.  Her mother is self admitted as believing that she herself has BPD, every since I introduced it to her about a year ago.  She also believes she has passed it on to her children and blames it on the cycle of abuse in her family for generations. However, my wife's sister told her I posted this and this discussion that occurred and my wife has now went ape s*#t.  She immediately went on FB and put she was in another relationship with another dude, although, we are still married.  I was already discarded, however, I did have limited contact and it seemed like things were slightly improving.  When pwBPD get hurt (at least perceive you hurt them) you have to rebuild trust with them, if they will let you.  She seems to be going out of her way to hurt me now and will have no contact at all.  I recently tried to check on her because her father had a downturn with his battle with cancer, and she ignored me.  

As one of the others have put it, having a relationship with BPD's is extremely tough.  I'm not sure how long you two had been together, but the longer the harder it is.  I have been with my wife for 17 years and married 11. Although there were always notable problems, there was a down turn about five years ago when she started drinking again.  She has had two different time periods that she went to AA, she went to rehab for five weeks once, and repeated counseling, however, she will not admit there is a problem now.  

Only you can make the decision of course, but if you are fairly certain that she has BPD, accept the fact that you might be in for a life of turbulence, uncertainty, and pain.   If I could have done it over, instead of being direct about my suspicions of her BPD; I would have just suggested marriage counseling, because she did go and was willing to go a couple of years ago, but I would have already have did my research and picked a counselor who specialized in PD's/BPD and just not let her know.  Obviously the counselor would have picked up on it and proceeded delicately.  Or the other option I would have went with was just tell her that I found this really great group counseling class and took her too it, without her know what DBT was.  She probably would have really liked it because she could have related to others with similar stories.  Other than that, go the other way or accept the life you might live.  Good luck!

Thank you all so much for the feedback and your experiences - this is such a helpful community to be a part of.

I do believe that I won't suggest that I think she has BPD; I haven't got much contact with her right now anyway, and the contact that is there, is from her side, and very, very venemous and unfair.

I do hate this situation. I wish that she was able to get the help that I really believe she needs. It's a sad, sad situation.

Thanks for all your input everybody.

Look... .I'm firmly in the camp with the NO votes.

However, if you ever cross paths with her or for some reason this comes up, the appropriate thing is to ask first.

"Hey... I've got some thoughts on the challenges we faced in our relationship, is that something you would want to discuss... "

If the answer to that is no... .you're done.

If the answer is yes... .best to talk about stuff "you brought" first.

Ask again if she would like to hear your thoughts on what she brought.  If yes... well... .go for it.  If no... .you're done.

Chances are it would never get this far.

FF

If you find yourself in a situation where you can talk to her, where she seems receptive to hearing about things she did wrong... .

I'd suggest talking about it the way I suggest people still in relationships talk about it:

Don't mention mental illness, or BPD.

Instead, talk about specific behavior which is unhealthy/toxic (and most likely driven by BPD, but don't mention that part).

She then has a chance of hearing "You did something bad" and learning instead of hearing "You are bad" and being overcome by the shame/etc. and most likely jumping straight to painting you black/attacking you, preventing any chance of learning.

Very good points - Thanks again for the feedback.

So basically, none of you think that suggesting the name for her issues (being BPD) is a good move... .nor is it a good idea to let her know unsolicited. But if the topic arises, note her unacceptable behavior and focus on the unhealthy aspects of the details of our relationship, rather than the potential psychiatric causes or suggesting she seek help.

Sounds pretty good.  I've learned that for me at least, it also works to use "I" and "me" phrases and talk about your feelings - it seems to defeat my wife's power to manipulate (but not yet misinterpret).  For example (just making up the story here) "I feel very hurt when someone is yelling at me.  I don't want to be around that kind of treatment.  I think I will leave the room if I am being treated like that."  Or to the tune of "It is very hard for me to feel love for someone who [describe abusive behavior]." 
It's very hard to argue very long with someone who is talking about how they feel, it even jams up pwBPD.  And if they still argue, you can cut it off with "that can be your opinion, but those are not my feelings."

Could I ask you why you left her in the first place?