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I'm angry.

I'm angry that she chose everyone else but me. I was only worthy enough to be toyed with, to be tested, to be pushed to the absolute limit when all I wanted was some kind of loyalty and love. She gave it to everyone else.

"I love you" she would tell me. But if you love someone you don't leave their bed to go f*ck their friend and then lie about it for years and gaslight them when they confront you about it.

I'm angry that when I thought I was over her I wasn't. What I thought was a year of NC was a lie because I stalked her. I remembered her password and would look at all her pictures and read her messages--basking in her failure. I liked looking at the happy pictures and then reading her messages that told the real story of how everything she tried to portray was an absolute failure. I was addicted. And now here I am. I deleted the app because I have the strongest urge look but I don't want to anymore. I don't want to get my feelings hurt and I want to really heal.

I'm tired of having intrusive thoughts about her. I'm tired of her being on my mind and me feeling bad about it. I'm so tired of feeling hurt. I'm tired of thinking of her and feeling totally unloveable, of feeling unworthy and like a failure. I feel so stupid. I almost wish she was dead. I don't wanna hate her and I don't want to love her -- I want to feel total indifference. I hate this, I really do.

I could have literally wrote the exact same thing. I feel the same way. I'm longing for the indifference. But I kept delaying the healing by reaching out. It was too much to take. I hate it too. I hate that tonight I finally realize that I have to move on and she is happy, working on herself, and will one day be a better person for someone else. I hate that she "won" this. She used my help and mentally prepared herself for the exit but all the while she was using me for what I could give.

I also finally realized that I was a rebound for her. And it never had a shot. I was a toy like you.

When I feel like you do, which is all the time, I realize that I really hate myself. Usually that is because I'm giving myself a mental butt whooping where I am really saying "I cant believe you fell for it. I can't believe you stayed so long. I can't believe you didn't get out sooner. I can't believe you took her back, slaved for her, etc. What an idiot you are."

At least this way I can try to disprove my own self-hate. When all I do is ruminate and get angry at her it's something I can't fix or ever resolve.

Wow Roberto, you hit the nail on the head. It's like their self loathing rubbed off on us. I'm so angry still too. So angry I did all I did and sacrificed myself and my future. I'm 52 and have nothing. He can rebuild his life but I tell myself he won't. I know he's not happy and you need to tell yourself that Facebook is not real. I'm sick of it too. I keep playing detective because I'm gathering evidence to use in court. At the same time I'm sick of all the fake crap. I lived with a pathological liar who mentally and physically abused me and ended up in a rehab and mental institution occasionally if not jail. There is no way he has changed and yours didn't either! Don't beat yourself up. Somehow we need to pull ourselves out of this. My ex said if you quit playing detective we would be happy- yes- if I ignore the cheating. I do think we are angry for staying. No person with high self esteem would have done so. So now how to get it. What do we do to make ourselves feel better? We can move on too, we have to work harder at it I suppose. I'm not trying according to my ex. I'm worn down and exhausted according to me.