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Title: Is it possible to avoid a fight if someone is determined to have it? Post by: LittleBlueTruck on June 13, 2017, 03:04:35 PM Talk to me about subconsciously picking fights. We have an objectively stressful thing coming up for my whole household and my mom has been saying especially hurtful things in passing. Not in the heat of the moment, just almost as an afterthought, many little jabs and digs. I'm ignoring them, figuring she's just stressed out and that she doesn't mean anything personal by it. But she seems to be getting frustrated and doing more and more hurtful or antagonizing things. Whereas previously I would have taken the bait, I've been reading up on this disorder and I am validating where is it feasible and just not engaging where there is nothing to be accomplished by engaging. While it is heading off a major fight, she seems to be confused and frustrated that I'm not taking the bait.
Your experience with this? Also, I'm confused how to handle her responses. Am I invalidating her by not giving her the reaction she's looking for? Will this eventually lead to a big blowout no matter what I do? Title: Re: Is it possible to avoid a fight if someone is determined to have it? Post by: Pina colada on June 13, 2017, 03:20:45 PM I am sorry you are going through this LBT. In my experiences dealing with my sister whom has BPD and many NPD traits, when she is in a mood and determined to do battle, she does. She has a way of taking everything I say and twisting it... .(word salad)? She will find the one exception to every statement I may say. It is infuriating and makes its very challenging to have any kind of relationship with a person like this. Throw in the fact she is always a victim and yes, she is almost impossible to deal with unless I tread carefully. I know it is not me as I have many friends and good relationships with my kids, as well as all other family members. She has very few friends and the family members are on to her a swell. I guess my answer is no. When disordered folks want to fight, they make it happen... .
Title: Re: Is it possible to avoid a fight if someone is determined to have it? Post by: Panda39 on June 13, 2017, 05:12:34 PM Hi LittleBlueTruck,
Might be heading for an Extinction Burst because you are setting boundaries and not responding the same way you always have, check out the link below. Extinction Burst The phenomenon of behaviour temporarily getting worse, not better when the reinforcement stops. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0 Panda39 Title: Re: Is it possible to avoid a fight if someone is determined to have it? Post by: Naughty Nibbler on June 13, 2017, 07:35:25 PM Hey LittleBlueTruck:
Quote from: LittleBlueTruck Am I invalidating her by not giving her the reaction she's looking for? Will this eventually lead to a big blowout no matter what I do? Sounds like you are doing fine (although it's frustrating). It's most important to Not Invalidate (don't have to validate). Remaining silent (no reaction) is okay and can sometimes be the best choice. Panda39 makes a good point about a possible Extinction Burst. You have done an admirable job of not JADEing (not Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining). Hang in there. |