BPDFamily.com

Hello all
I'm really overwhelmed with this whole situation. We're not even 2 years married. I finally think that understand what's going on with my wife - several of the behaviors associated to BPD are present on her. We are currently seeing a therapist, but at this point I'm so tired of having to deal with her... .arguments because of such insignificant things... .not answering a phone call, having a different point of view, not doing something she expected me to do... .some times things so ridiculous that I have no other reaction, but to smile, because they are so unrealistic or make no sense... .and smiling, brings rage, violence, aggression... .
If I decide to just shut down, don't say anything, in order to not make things worse... .makes no difference... .I started reading "stop walking on eggshells ", but I get so disappointed because her episodes happen so often... .I want peace... .I sty love her, but never thought that as a Christian, I would have to deal with this... .I need hope... .

Hello Xilipi,
I have been through similar things with my BPD husband of 23 years. For us it took several therapists all coming to the conclusion that it was his behaviour (anger due to childhood trauma) that was the main issue in our relationship and finally one therapist diagnosed BPD. Once he was diagnosed he was glad to have answers but it doesn't mean it has been easy. Lovingly helping him to see his true behaviours has been helpful but still he cannot see what he is really doing at times (especially in the heat of the moment). I have told him I am staying to work with him on these issues which alleviates his fear of being abandoned. The main thing I would say in anyone's case is if you can see any progress then there is hope. If the person with BPD can admit they have BPD and can work on their behaviour and improvement is seen, no matter how slowly or how small, then it is worth the effort of the spouse to work with them, unless of course you cannot due to compromising your own well-being. I find the books on BPD very helpful. I have the book called The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder - this has helped me through many days. The workbook my husband works with is Dialetical Behaviour Therapy Workbook and seems to be helpful when he continues to work with it. I have been keeping a BPD journal about his behaviour - this helps me to see that I am not crazy. In this journal I also write about my behaviour and how I respond to him. I cannot control how he behaves, I can only control my own behaviour and therefore that is my focus. I find it is a daily practice and is not always successful or easy when it flares up again but for me I cannot live any other way than by being my true self. I find the more true I am to me the more he sees when the problem starts with his behaviour.
There are tools in the books about BPD so you may want to just keep reading - even when there are good days because there may be a bad day just around the corner and you'll want to be prepared with your communication skills for BPD family members. These are my opinions and certainly may not be for everyone so take them or leave them - just thought I would share since I am seeing progress after all these years of pain. Good luck to you!