BPDFamily.com

Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: jimenuget on June 16, 2017, 11:34:01 AM



Title: Lost in the rabbit hole
Post by: jimenuget on June 16, 2017, 11:34:01 AM
Hello,

I am trying to save a relationship with a BPD girlfriend of four years who has broken it off so many times and is currently in a dismissive cycle.  Currently, she is in the victim phase where nothing I say reaches her because everything I say is a lie or a trick.  She is high functioning and I believe uses the pain of loss and break up as her "cutting".  She has been in IFS, BDT, and currently EMDR.  since starting EMDR there has been a decline in her stability and an increase in the intensity to her projection of me not valuing her or caring for her.  I have fully become the enemy of all her pain. I did not know she had BPD until about 2 years in.  Although she is seeking therapy she says that none of her therapists believe she has BPD.  I don't believe, because we've done couple counseling, that she allows her true self to be seen.  She wears her masks and hides behind it allowing just enough to be seen.


About me, For the most part I was always in fairly healthy very stable relationships.  I entered this relationship because the person, who I had been getting to know over months without intimacy, was special beyond words.  I fell in love long before she knew I did and have never regretted the decision.  I saw signs early on once we began becoming intimate that there was something a miss.  Explosions of erratic behavior, inappropriate rage levels, and twisting of reality.  I willing choose to enter because I believed this girl was worth it.   

Along the way I have made many missteps, had my own issues provoked, and been baited and failed to control my looks of contempt, anger, frustration, and disapproval of her behavior.  I got into a fix it mode for over a year because I knew the relationship would not survive, or better yet, I couldn't survive the constant abandonment of the relationship.  I know in many ways I have failed her and failed to be the best loving and supportive partner I could be.  I do my best to enter each situation with my heart exposed and declare my intentions.  I know without a doubt I am not faultless in this, I just cant explain the difficulty I have in handling of the complex binds, projection, twisted thinking, sabotage, chaos manufacturing, etc.

My heart and soul believe in this woman.  I have seen her make tremendous strides and effort towards healing and trying to be committed.  I wasn't aware how angry I was deep inside when she finally started trying to jump and as such I failed to catch her.  Because of that failure she now believes I will never catch her.

Can someone help me make sense of where I am at.  I believe I have fallen into this further than I can see clearly out.  Loving advice would be greatly appreciated!


Title: Re: Lost in the rabbit hole
Post by: allienoah on June 16, 2017, 12:00:18 PM
Welcome to this forum, jimenuget-I am so sorry you are going through this with your gf. I can definitely relate to everything you have written. As you will see here, all of your situations have been experienced by most people that contribute. Your phrase about using the pain of loss and breakup as "cutting" resonates with me as well. I call it emotional cutting. My bf does this regularly and unfortunately I think sometimes I go right along and "cut" as well. Dealing with BPD has me off kilter and questioning my own sanity. I guess that is a result of being with a high functioning pwBPD. Everything is always my fault, and all his feelings are my responsibility in his eyes. I think that I wanted this r/s to work out so much that I ignored a whole parade of  red-flag!
I feel guilt over my mistakes, and my participation in the constant push/pull. It is very difficult to break the pattern.
You love her, you try, she tries. You can't hold yourself responsible for "catching" her all the time. Enforce the positive that she is making strides. Of course you are angry inside. You have been dealing with a great deal of emotional turmoil. It is only natural to feel that way. Give yourself a break, and check out the tools to the right for dealing with the chaos, manipulation, etc.
I wish you all the best. You sound like a very caring partner!


Title: Re: Lost in the rabbit hole
Post by: Pedro on June 16, 2017, 01:29:55 PM
Hey there welcome to this forum.
There are truly remarkable staff & members here who who will give you tremendous support insight combined with tools & literature to read & use. Everybody here can relate to what you have described.
I can relate completely with almost everything you have said.
Good luck & best wishes for an eventual reconciliation
Pedro