BPDFamily.com

Hi there,

As a M sufferer of BPD, I hope it's ok to post here, as I'm at a very low ebb and need support.

I can resonate with all that you have described above, and that was certainly me during my historic relationships.

I would like to say I'm sorry for you that have suffered - I'm 29 now but it's only in the last 2 years I have understood that my up and down sex life is linked so much to my BPD.

I am now in a relationship with the love of my life - beautiful, sexy, kind, compassionate women who is just the best.

Unfortunately, despite my best efforts (FYI I have never been aggressive or violent) now after a year (and ironically after deciding that I want to spend the rest of my life with her and planning my proposal next year), the sexual issues have begun to surface and it's a struggle for me to get in the mood.

I am also on medication and have chronic OCD but I know there is more to it than that.

When I was single I would be obsessed with sex chat lines, escorts and ex girlfriends.

I guess what I'm getting at here is this:

Has anyone ever managed to break through this and have sex normally again with the person you love the most, are attracted to and KNOW deep down you want to have sex with?

Fear of rejection and fear of her leaving me aside, she's just the kindest person I have ever met and I love her so much. Plus, she's just so, so attractive and deserves to feel good about herself!

Sorry for the ramble.

Thank you x

Hello and welcome,

I'm sorry you are suffering, and all the fears make it much worse. As partners each couple has to redefine "normal", not only when BPD is involved. It's a private relationship and the two people involved write their rules.

You love and want the best for your SO, and she for you. So you have to know and understand each other to be able to do that. My advice would be to talk about your fears, and what obstacles you have. If you get very nervous talking, you can write it down when you are relaxed and comfortable, and then read it with her, or send it.

Those of us that have some experience, we live with periods when sex is not in the picture. And we have to learn to live like that, and love our SO the same. I've found that touch, not leading to sex, helps heal a lot. I brush my GF's hear, or give a little massage. I enjoy when she takes my hand or rest her head on my shoulder, and I know I'm the only one she does that to, so I take that fact in.

There is a good book that you both can read,and it is called "The high conflict couple", sounds scary, but it is compasionate and interesting. Search youtube to see the author talking, and you'll like him, I think.

I've thought sex was over a couple of times, and then it came back and it was wonderful. Things do get better. Best of luck!

Hi Joe,

Thank you very much for your reply - I will look at that book and video for sure.

It's very reassuring that although parts come and go, that it did come back.

She is very patienr and happy to talk and understand but obviously everyone has their limits with rejection.

Thank you again for giving me your time.

Hi again,

I wrote with the phone, of course, I meant brush her hair.
How much does she know about BPD?

In my case, the more I understand her, the more I understand why she's not in the mood, or she's even scared about it... But I know it's not about me, about rejecting me, or not liking me. Sometimes it hurts still, but mostly, I take it well. It is worse when she avoids any physical contact, or even kind words, and that streches through days. You can't help but wonder ":)oes she love me?".

I don't know much about you, but I can guess you have a problem that you can divide in two: You are not in the mood for sex, and you don't want her to feel rejected. You can't force the 1st part to change, but sure you can think of things to do so she feels welcome and appreciated. So you can focus in the second part, and let the 1st run its course.

I don't know for you, but for me, the more I think about a sexual problem, the bigger the issue becomes. I need to shift my focus elsewere, for the problem to dissapear. At one point "thinking you have a problem" becomes the only problem.

Maybe it's not ironic at all, the stress about thinking about proposing may have taken you mind off sex. The thing is, you should know this is completely normal, it comes and goes, and it changes. And any change needs time to settle. You two are going to be fine.

Thanks again Joe.

She knows quite a lot, but I myself am still figuring a lot of things out - having only been diagnosed a year ago, but having 29 years of symptoms and habits/patterns forming and building.

I have actively taken on board what you said about touching her in some way, or being more affectionate and over the last week or so that has had a genuine positive impact on both of us, so thank you for that.

Congratulations on taking steps to healing and wanting to understand your partner better.  It takes a great deal of courage to seek help!

This site is for family members and relationship partners of BPD sufferers. This is where we learn to support our loved ones, and where we learn to take care of ourselves. Because of this, we do not have the resources to help individuals with BPD, but I encourage you to check out Resources for BPD Sufferers (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/Themes/default/welcome3.html).  You will find links to more appropriate forums, where you will find others like yourself who were brave enough to have taken positive steps towards healing.

I wish you all the best in your healing process.

Many thanks. Thanks also for those who have messaged me with kind words.