BPDFamily.com

Ok so been on and off with my ex gf who is an exwBPD

Been off for almost 2 years but recently have been seeing her a lot and it's been amazing, after being down this path 3 times before I know it's stupid of me to believe that she will change, however she has been on her absolute best behavior for the past 12 months. I believe it's all an act, chase is better than the catch as I have seen in the past but I haven't been this resilient before it's been almost 2 years and she still begs me to take her back

Seeking advice from anyone who's been in this situation before and would love to hear from someone who was separated for a while and got back

- was it the same and it fell apart again?
- was there improvement?

I hear after a recycle they are generally worse than the other times... .

Any advice would be great

the first thing i would ask is what has changed on your end? how have you grown? how would you approach the relationship differently than before?

Good question - I guess the growth on my part would probably be around acceptance. Understanding the behaviors allows me to be more accepting now instead of being so shocked at the actions.

Problem is if there's one thing I know about BPDs is that they will push ur bottoms until you have no choice but to react. I have tried the non reactive method before but she just kept going until she done something so outlandish that I had no choice but to react.

what did she do and how did you react?

i dont think navigating these relationships is simply about not reacting. its about defusing, and not contributing to conflict. sometimes when tensions get too high, that might involve taking a time out.

you say youve been down this path three times. maybe she has changed, maybe she hasnt, but i think unless you have, you can expect the same results. ideally, she would follow your lead.

i encourage you to read this article if you havent. its a great starting point: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

Hey confusedpe, Many of us, including me, have done the recycle thing only to wind up right back where we started, except with more pain further down the road.  I echo once removed: What makes you think the outcome will be any different this time?  Suggest you proceed with caution.  It seems like, for many of us, it takes a recycle or two (or three, in your case) to really get the message about BPD and maybe you are in that boat.  I did it, as I mentioned, and it's OK if you decide to attempt it.  Just think it through.

LuckyJim

don't go back whatever you do. Seriously... .I managed to leave mine for a month. And it was probably the best month of my adult life. I literally felt as if the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders... then she showed up one day threatening suicide... .I got in the car to escape and she jumped on the hood screaming "you will not abandon me!" I tried to drive her to the emergency room and she opened the door and threatened to "tuck and roll".  So I agreed to let her stay so she could get stable... .that was 1.5 years ago... since then it has been nothing but violence and insanity in the home.

She gets worse... .never better.

Please for the love of god don't go back.

Strong words, your story sounds pretty wild could you explain her behaviors during the 1.5 years back?

I am more on the staying side of things. 

It's not a stay or go thing... .it's about how the NON approaches the r/s.

I am radically different than I was years ago.  I have been guided by a psychologist that helps me understand and CHANGE my part of a dysfunctional "dance" with my wife.

She had no choice but to change or be alone (due to boundaries).

Acceptance is a small part of what is needed by a NON.  There are some things you should NOT accept... .but should respect their choice and let them experience logical consequences.

Right now I am NOT getting the vibe you have changed much of your approach to the r/s... .but there is a lot of assumption there.

Please lay out for us the work YOU have done since last recycle.  That is what matters.

FF

Don't do it. She left me in a far worse state than before, and now I an blacker than the devil himself. When we reconnect, with these people, we fall deeper, and the deeper we fall, the more their condition comes to light.
The only thing she didn't do before, was change her number, but, that is after I told her to stay away.
She wanted the last word, and kept reminding me, she ended it, so to stop the merry go round, I let her.
I am slowly healing, but feel such pain, although this is decreasing, when she changed, she maintained she hated me, and had no feelings, it was almost as if she stood by that, so to save face.
It left me broken.
'What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way, what a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you'
Stay away my friend.

Certainly none of us have any feel of whether you should go back or not, but it sounds like you already have.  *)

I think if you approach this, with a changed idea of the relationship and with the tools well in hand - and it you can observe her (not just go with the flow) - you will know what you have.

There will be down times - this is why you need tools. That, and her change, may be the key to making it work this time - or you two might be entrenched in a way that you will crash on the same road as last time.

Keep your eyes open.