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She's not even willing to be my friend anymore.  I did something stupid which I regret, but she won't forgive me for it.  Time to move on.  I wish I never met her.

Shedd, it's a thought that sometimes crosses my mind too. Unfortunately, we cant go back and change things even if you and I wanted to. I am not friends with my ex either and know it's better that way.

I read somewhere that the hardest thing to do is grieve someone who is still alive.

Do you feel angry towards your ex?

What did you do which you regret?

I know the exact feeling. The woman of my dreams wanted me to buy some exotic massage oils and bring them over on our typical date night which consisted of a nice meal she would prepare, we would watch a movie and then start a make-out session. The last date is preceded by some fairly intimate sexting messages and her sending me provocative pictures of herself in a bathing suit. Her last message of sects was hold her arms by her side when I kiss the back of her neck. She told me previously she was submissive.

My ex BPD that was emotionally wrecked (she told me he cheated on her) from a recent ex in which she was sexually abused and was apprehensive of intimacy. Up to that time we had never had intercourse but kept reaching new levels of intimacy. That frightful day she said after the movie that she was tired. I'm 10 years older than her (56 to 45) and lived with a (now ex-)wife for 30 years that "I'm tired" were words (same as "no" that intimacy was not possible for that night.

After I left, the BPD sent me messages that she was pissed off that I didn't bring the massage oils and massage her back as she had planned. I proceeded to tell her that she should have VERBALIZED she wanted to proceed with our initial massage plans. She got extremely pissed off and said that I was a narcissist and only concerned for my own enjoyment and pleasure and not hers. Unfortunately, I proceeded to send her a scathing email (while drunk) trying to shame her for her previous provocative pictures and sexting.
 Needless to say she broke it off and totally acted like everything is my fault even though she failed to communicate her needs. I was told by people that don't understand that I should forgive myself because women continuously think that men can read their minds even if they're not BPD.
Sometimes, I believe I am a narcissist, even though after taking online tests, I scored 11 both times, which low on the scale.
What is my regret? Not bringing the message oil and failing to get laid? No, sending the email attempting to shame her. Either way , I'm convinced, a NPD and a BPD are a true toxic mix for any type of relationship.

Lost love mind- that's what I regret as well my reaction ... and I regret sending that last nice email that got me a restraining order.

Do I wish I never met him? No, I wish I didn't pursue aomething more than a casual friendship
He hates me now, will barely speak to me.   I'm such a terrible person he got the RO and wanted it dropped and still delivers my mail... .

I also think I maybe a narc at times... .he even called me one .   Some days I'm ok seeing him ... today I'm not... .I like making peace ... .he's not capable

Hi Shedd,


Tally up all of the good things that you've done and all the not so good things that you've done - you're somewhere in the middle. A pwBPD can't see people as an integrated whole with good qualities and bad qualities, they can only see all of one at any given moment. That being said, you're probably familiar with these moments, she may see you as all bad for a period of time, then she'll see you as all good for another period of time, which can be confusing because we may feel resentment from unresolved issues when we're split black.

I think that you're split black at the moment, the pendulum swings both ways, you'll be split white again at some junction in the future or the near future.

Ambassador. I'm unsure if I ever want to be split back white. I just wrote that and realize that I still dream of her and I together. Based on last week emails from her, the thought of her being friendly again, well?
Based on my reading of BPD and NPD, her illness may lay along a huge spectrum. But I doubt she would ever admit it based on her theory that psychological analysis is a brainwashed attempt. I learned by my emails to her to never bring up to someone that they may be mentally ill.
My own fear is that I lie along the similar spectrum, leaning.BPD based on my continuous attempts at contacting her for the first 4 weeks after the breakup.
I have stopped thoughts of contacting her due to the danger of her enforcing the PPO she had filed.
Now I'm taking advice and getting busy with my self employed job and finally making the planned move I had in the works before I even met my exBPD in April.