Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: HopinAndPrayin on August 12, 2017, 07:41:34 PM

Title: You will laugh, love, and live again
Post by: HopinAndPrayin on August 12, 2017, 07:41:34 PM
For those of you who are in the thick of it right now, I wanted to share some love and hope with you and let you know that it gets better.  Time, self-care, introspection, and healthy distance help. 

Everyone's timeline will be different.  I used to know to the day how long it had been since the run out, since our last discussion.  Now I've lost count other than it was mid-February.  The things that seemed like critical details moved from the forefront to the background.

When my BPDh ran out in February 2017 in a paranoid rage, I went into shock.  It was my body's way of dealing with the trauma both of his leaving but also the chronic stress and chaos I had been living with for five years.

Now six months out, I have come to laugh again, which was surprising because in those dark early days, I never thought I could be really truly deeply happy or even in the moment.  I now regularly sleep soundly, feel joy and comfort, have hope, am not bitter (the vast majority of the time).  I look for beauty in every day things and appreciate my life more fully.  Even when irritating snags come up, especially dealing with my ex's aftermath or triggering issues, I am able to work through them pretty quickly.  I have my resilience back after just 6 months.

This coming week I will be filing for divorce if I can get him to sign the updated MSA.  I don't feel suicidal like I did those first few weeks.  I have grieved the relationship I wanted but never got and am happily living a life that self healed and is fulfilling.  I still struggle some days and I'm working on rebuilding a more robust life.  This life will be a work in progress.

I have been changed by this profound experience.  I still struggle with complex PTSD, especially the triggers that hit on childhood wounds from an abusive alcoholic father and BPD mother, but not the self blame of my early days.  I have had enough space and time to see my dear beloved husband and his struggle for what it was - his struggle.  I also see how it changed, distorted, and destroyed the relationship.

I don't regret the relationship.  It could only have happened the way it happened and I have come to radically accept that and the fact that it is over.  I'm actually really grateful now that I m no longer attached to him.  It was so bad for so long!

This week I am focusing on the pure bliss I felt as we approached our wedding, how excited I was to marry my best friend and high school sweetheart, envisioning our future together with children, grandchildren, and a full life.  Just because something doesn't last doesn't mean there weren't those moments.  I've learned so much about BPD and abnormal psychology, but more importantly, I learned about myself.

For those of you who are struggling so hard right now, please know that with time and self-care you will laugh again.  You will love again.  You will fully live again.  You will likely be changed by the experience, but to really heal, that may be a welcome outcome.  Coming here will help.  Reading and educating yourself will help.  Therapy can help.  Self-care and allowing yourself the space to feel your feelings will help.  Talk, read, post, let light into the darkness you may find yourself in.  You are not alone and there is a good and fulfilling life waiting for you when you are ready for it.  You deserve it.

Six months ago I could not imagine the life I have now.  I was too stuck in survival mode.  Time alone doesn't heal the wound, processing it and being compassionate with yourself does.  You may have childhood wounds that this touched upon that you now have the ability to explore and heal.  Be good to yourself.  Never ever give up on yourself.

Title: Re: You will laugh, love, and live again
Post by: jambley on August 12, 2017, 11:13:46 PM
HopinAndPrayin thank you for such a lovely post, really inspiring to hear you're doing well! I am going to re read your post a few times and keep it near when I struggle.

Thanks again

Title: Re: You will laugh, love, and live again
Post by: JaxDK on August 13, 2017, 11:13:51 AM
3 months since I broke up. I no longer pace which I did a lot of first two months. I'm able to joke around and laugh now. I have days when I'm completely indifferent to the whole thing. I don't ruminate every minute of the day. Now I can go hours without. When I do, it's to analyze and remember BPD episodes, so I don't fall into the trap of seeing her "normal" side too much. Today is a good day. I'm far from healed but It seems to move more rapidly in the right directon then expected.

This was a good thread than you.

Title: Re: You will laugh, love, and live again
Post by: Harley Quinn on August 13, 2017, 03:20:51 PM
Hi H&P,

I can remember your first posts and it fills me with joy to see where you are now.  Thank you so much for sharing your progress with all of us as it is a wonderful message of hope and encouragement for everyone who is struggling and I pray it has many many reads.  You're a shining beacon.  Be proud of yourself for coming so far.  It's a pleasure to witness.

Love and light x 

Title: Re: You will laugh, love, and live again
Post by: jambley on August 13, 2017, 05:21:13 PM
I like this thread :)

Title: Re: You will laugh, love, and live again
Post by: bollinger on August 14, 2017, 01:31:30 PM
Hi Hopin and Praying

Your post really touched me and gave me a lot of strength.  I am in the thick of it at the minute and I suppose I am in "survival mode".  The last two years have been spent loving a man... .no adoring a man who really couldn't even like himself let alone commit to another person! I did everything I could to try and make a go of it and I have now realised that I cannot help my husband anymore.  I am also losing my own worth and self confidence and doubting my own clarity of mind.  Like you said I do not regret the relationship because when it was good... .it was amazing but unfortunately there were very few good times in relation to nearly two years.  I look at him now and I do really feel sorry for him as he will continue on life's journey in the same manner... .he cannot get out of the cycle... .it is very sad! But I have to look after me now as my health is suffering - physical and mental.

Many thanks again for your wonderful post


Title: Re: You will laugh, love, and live again
Post by: HopinAndPrayin on August 14, 2017, 05:44:00 PM
Ah, bollinger, big, big hugs.  I swear I could have written your post myself at one point.  You are worth as much care and compassion as you give others. 

Sending you warm thoughts,

Title: Re: You will laugh, love, and live again
Post by: bollinger on August 21, 2017, 08:56:57 AM
Thank you H&P

Hopefully I will be able to give a positive update on here soon   xx

Title: Re: You will laugh, love, and live again
Post by: Lovesjesus on August 21, 2017, 10:27:20 AM
Thank you for this post. I thought this was the man I was going to marry. He also was my high school sweetheart. I still struggle trying to accept that it was the bod and nothing I did but the more I read and the support on this forum have helped. My biggest problem is I am ready to date again but all the guys I meet are only looking for sex and that makes me miss my ex more as he truly was my best friend. I know I just have to give it time cause I am only 18. Just wish my ex wasn't my first and only relationship because in the beginning he really set the bar high.