BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone, I have thought long and hard about posting any of this. And then I had to think long and hard about WHERE to post it. Since this is where I spent most of my time, and because my message might be most important for those in the "conflicted" place, I settled on here.

Most of you know that I left my ex after he put his fist through a wall and I felt threatened physically. We were NC for 2 weeks, LC for another 6 weeks and I worked hard to move forward and put the relationship behind me.

And seriously, that is where the relationship needed to stay. I am mortified to even type what comes next in light of what has transpired. But it's part of my story and something that I will need to accept and make peace with at some point.

July 11th I got a text. "My son misses you and has been quite sick. He still talks about you and wishes that he could see you. I am catching his cold as well and really could use a break. Would you pick him up tomorrow and spend a little time with him? I think it would be good for him to have some closure."

And I agreed. In fact, I was happy to have the chance to see his son. I needed the closure too! I wanted to have that conversation too! And as presented, I thought that my contact with expwBPD would be relatively minimal. We exchanged a handful of texts in which we finalized arrangements. I was under the impression that I would arrive early afternoon, his son would be ready for a trip to the park, and I would return him after treating him to MOD pizza.

When I arrived the next day I knew immediately that this was not going to go as planned. His son was still in pajamas, they were both cuddled on the couch watching a movie. I felt like an INTERLOPER. The explanation was that he had "lost track of time" and why don't I "join them for the final 30 minutes of the movie." His son was excited to see me. I came over and patted his knee in greeting: "Hey buddy, it's so good to see you." And that was all it took. "Why are you riling him up when we're sick and need to be calm? Why can't you see what we need and match your energy to the situation? Why can't you ever just be calm?" I sat next to him momentarily on the couch and made a very brief attempt to placate him, but it just continued. "You didn't even say HI to ME!" I stood up and as calmly as I could manage said: "It was a bit of a drive, I need to use the bathroom." As I got up he said "Get out."

This happened many times over the course of our relationship... .he would tell me to get out, but never actually MEANT get out. If I tried to leave he would always wind up. But this time I just didn't have any desire whatsoever to salvage the afternoon, the relationship, or his feelings. So I grabbed my shoes and purse and walked out the door. He followed. "Why are you leaving? I thought you wanted to take (son) out! I thought you cared about him, about me!" He wrapped me in a hug, the first that I didn't return. When he let go I continued to back away towards my car. I can't remember exactly what I said, something along the lines of "I'm so sorry, I know you aren't feeling well and I can tell that my energy is not what you need right now, I will text later." Then he got very angry. "You owe me $2000, I can't pay rent next month and it's YOUR fault I lost my job." (He lost his job in February when we were together, his position has always been that the stress of our relationship and MY expectations were what made him incapable of working.) I could feel the look cross my face as soon as he said that. I had gotten so good at maintaining complete calm, but I could tell that "What the heck" crossed my face before I could stop it. I tried to decide how to respond, I could not think of a thing. All I could think about was how horrible a mistake it had been to try to visit. I found myself wondering if he had "baited" me there so that he could strong arm me into giving him money for rent. At this point I was across the parking lot from the office and about 100 yards from my car. I turned around to walk to my car.

And that's all that I remember until after.

I have a vague memory of staring at my lap and noticing my leggings were soaked with blood. I remember looking up and realizing I was surrounded by 6 paramedics - all young 20-something boys who looked like they wanted to cry - I remember wondering why they looked so sad. I glanced around and realized I was at pwBPD's apartment complex, and then I realized that he must have attacked me. I don't have a cohesive narrative of the next 3 days. I remember being in an ambulance, in a CT machine, meeting an ER doc who put stitches in my face. I vaguely remember my ex husband showing up, but I can't remember anything about who called him. (Apparently one of the nurses phoned him at my request but I don't remember asking her to.)

I had an open fracture of my nose, 2 large "tears" on my face, a concussion, and lacerations of my scalp that required 100 stitches.

My ex was arrested and booked into jail on assault 2 DV. Bail was assigned at 150,000 - he does not have that, I am confident he will be there until this resolves.

I have an amazing victim advocate who works for the prosecutor, she has been wonderful about keeping me up to date and aware of all of the legal proceedings. She also put me in touch with the son's grandmother (Mom's Mom) who has been his caregiver since the event. She has been gracious and kind and I have visited him one time so that he understands I'm ok (he saw his Dad return to the apartment after the attack covered in my blood). It broke my heart - he wanted to apologize to me. "I'm so sorry about what happened, I didn't know he would do that because I never saw him hurt anybody else. He always feels bad after." I reassured him that it wasn't anything he needed to apologize or feel responsible about - I then made sure Grandmother knew what he had said. Her head dropped, he had apparently said something similar to a teacher at school. They have put him in counseling and are seeking full custody. I have struggled with my role - I never saw anything that crossed the line to abuse personally, I'm sure he was very careful about that. But I knew it wasn't a good situation. I wish that I had handled things differently. I wish I had handled ALL THE THINGS differently. And that's a tough burden to carry.

As for me - I have 2 large scars on my face. There is some facial paralysis either from muscle or nerve trauma and so my nose does not lift on one side when I smile or laugh causing assymetry. None of the doctors can tell me if this will be permanent, they seem to think it will improve somewhat but not return to 100% range of motion. There may or may not be some cosmetic procedures that could help with that depending. I've had one surgery to align the nasal bones, but I will likely need a rhinoplasty as there is still a significant "crook" and a septum repair because the scans show that my septum was completely crushed. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, but it has been devestating to be shocked each morning when I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. I feel disfigured.

One of the things that I have learned how to do well is search the public records. After his arrest I found out there were EIGHT orders of protection against him. EIGHT. Reading the testimony of his son's Mom broke my heart. She was horribly abused. HORRIBLY abused. But she was also mentally ill and unable to care for her son and felt coerced into giving pwBPD primary custody. There are multiple things on file regarding his wife although the documents are sealed per a plea agreement. I can only imagine those would reveal similar abuse.

They are working on a plea. Unfortunately - because his first DV arrest was dismissed as part of a plea (counseling, the offense removed from his record upon completion and keeping his record clean for a period of time), this is technically his "first offense". He is facing 3-9 months, but there are some "aggravators" that could add time. I was asked by my advocate if I would testify if this goes to trial. The prosecutor is not willing to plead down much and I feel they are getting their ducks in a row. I told her that I would if they felt they could not present their case without me. I really hope it doesn't come to that.

So I guess my message would be this. PLEASE BE CAREFUL. If you suspect that your pwBPD could be capable of physical violence - trust that he/she IS. If you make it out, STAY OUT.

I've spent a lot of time debating whether my pwBPD even actually HAS BPD or if he's just a wretched person. Honestly, I really believe him to be BPD. The diagnosis explains too much. Unfortunately, I don't think it really matters. He's abusive as ___ to the women in his life and will continue to be. I cannot imagine the scenario in which he could ever accept responsibility for his actions to the extent that it would take him to make any REAL progress in any sort of recovery.

There might be more hope for some people. But BE CAREFUL. I think there can be a "point of no return" with this - it just progresses (or maybe some people are just more severely affected?) to a point where "recovery" is almost impossible.

I appreciate so much the help and counsel that I recieved from everyone here. I wish that my update were different. I wish all of you a much better outcome. I hope my experience can provide some clarity for those who might be worried about potential physical aggression progressing - someone who might be on the fence but afraid.

Take good care everyone, I may not be around as much but I'm sure will continue to check in occasionally when I feel that I can.

Just wanted to say... .
Am listening.
Read your story.
So sad how this turned out.
Certainly I know the pain of missing a "step child" and wishing things would be different for myself and that child.

Maybe the silver lining is that the child gets placed in a safer enviornment as a result of this.  That seems absurd to even say, but just trying to find a way to wish the best for you and that child.

What hell to have gone through!

LaLa,

I am so very sorry.    No one ever deserves to be abused.   No one ever sees abuse coming.    What I read was written by  someone who handled things with an amazing amount of composure, compassion and sensitivity.

I wish you only the best as you continue to heal.   


'ducks

Oh, Lala--I'd been wondering where you were and hoping everything was going well.  I am SO SORRY to hear all of this.  It makes me furious and I am so glad you made it out alive.  You're a survivor and it's brave of you to tell your story. I wish you nothing but the best moving forward.

LaLa, so terribly, terribly sorry to read about this….sitting here crying and I just can't imagine anything to say other than I'm so, so sorry.  I hope your healing continues, inside and out, and bless you for sharing this story because honestly many others here could potentially find themselves in similar circumstances.  thank you for your bravery in sharing this, and prayers and healing thoughts are with you.

   

FF

Lala, I haven't posted a lot lately, but I have followed your posts for the last year.  I'm really sad, and actually shocked he turned so violent in the end.  Your story is truly horrifying... .but I'm glad you made it out.  it was good of you to share this here.  Hopefully it will serve as a warning to others in situations with physically abusive pwBPD.

I have followed your story from the beginning here. I am so sorry that this horrific attack happened to you.

You bear no responsibility for this. None. You got into a relationship that turned abusive, you tried to figure it out, then you ended it. You went back to see his son, then you were violently assaulted. I hope his son ends up in a better home, and I hope he goes to jail for a long time. I'm proud of how you have handled yourself throughout this, and I'm more sad than I can say that you were the victim of this monster.

Oh my god, I am so sorry. I am grateful you're alive, but what a horrendous experience. My heart is with you.
TMD

Lala -  You have been on my mind so much.  I am truly heartbroken that this happened to you. I am so sorry that you had to endure this. 

You are a strong, amazing, loving woman.  My thoughts and prayers are with you during this and always.   

Hi Lala,

I read your story with an all consuming sense of horror. Nobody should have to go through that. What you experienced is truly horrifying and I wish you as full a recovery as possible. My heart goes out to you. Stay safe.

RF

Lala,

I am so incredibly sorry this happened to you. I can barely find words to express this.

Your story will be read countless times on this site and I am confident it will be viewed with the intended purpose - a cautionary tale, a story about the worst of the worst.

This site, these boards, us, everyone here, we'll be here and we will stay here to help you and anyone else who might someday face what you did.

Your strength, your compassion, your love - it shines through this darkness and will shine here for a long long time.

~DaddyBear77

Lala,
You seem incredibly strong and clear and that is telling about your courage and fortitude after going through something so horrendous.  I am so sorry this happened to you. It was only your good intentions about seeing his son that created an opportunity for this to occur.

My ex-husband was physically violent and I totally understand how this attack came completely out of the blue. You had no idea that this behavior was even in the realm of possibility.

Unfortunately, I think it's possible that your testimony might be necessary to secure a more meaningful sentence. I hope that is not the case, but it might turn out to be healing for you in the long run.

The counseling I received after leaving my first husband (the batterer) was incredibly helpful. His attacks had caused bruises in places  others wouldn't see and left a lot of psychological scars. Though you are so self-aware and brave, I hope you seek counseling with a wonderfully compassionate professional who can soothe any remaining fear and anxiety you might have.   

Cat

I'm so sorry that you have been brutalized by this. Your woulds a heartbreaking to hear. Your spirit sounds strong. It's inspiring.

Oh Lala,

That is horrible what you went through,  but I'm glad you're safe 

It's brave to post this.  It sounds like you did the right thing by leaving when your danger senses starting going off.  How to know he would follow much less attack you?


I wonder what his son meant by that? It seems contradictory... .

I can't express how much comfort your words have brought me - thank you for listening to my story and letting me get that out of my head and heart somewhere that it might serve some purpose or at least be understood.

Cat - I've already decided that if they need me I will be there. I viscerally recoil at the thought, but I feel a moral obligation to make sure that a conviction sticks. In WA state, DV offenses "stack" to determine sentencing. If this were his second offense he'd be facing 12-18 (versus 3-9), and a 3rd offense can be counted as a third strike violent offense that would qualify him for a much longer sentence - potentially even life! I also want the felony conviction as it will make it much harder to fight the custody suit.

Turkish - I took what he said to mean that he had never seen his dad hurt anyone other than him, and that after he and his dad have had fights, his dad has always been sorry. Broke my heart to hear, but after what happened to me I wasn't terribly surprised.

  This is a wonderful group - I appreciate you!

Ah. He sounds like a wise young man. It sucks growing up before it's time.   It would likely get worse as he got older.  Hopefully grandma succeeds on getting full custody. 

This is absolutely chilling. You have such a sweet heart. I hope you are able to recover to the fullest extent. I am so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for sharing this.

I am so very sorry for you Lala . My heart goes out to you. Sending you healing thoughts . You will be in my prayers.

I am appalled by this. I remember my mum telling me that in her community 70-100years ago - Scots gypsies - men would beat their wives to a pulp - and get 2 nights in jail plus a small fine. I thought the criminal justice system had moved on. Anything less than 5 years is a scandal.

It may be a lesson for all of us who have partners/ex partners with BPD - and a record of violence - never turn your back on an enraged pwBPD even if you are walking out of the house and  away to your car. I never turn my back on my wife when she is enraged, never. If an attack is coming - I like to be ready to defend and avoid.

My best wishes to you and hope you recover physically from this outrage.

Sending you love, hugs, and the ability to heal.

Pedro xx

Yes Mr. Right - don't turn your back EVER! Lesson learned... .

And I was appalled when I found out how quickly he would be out. That sentiment has been expressed several times from people who assume I mean 3-9 YEARS not 3-9 months. It's part of why I want this to stick, at least then he will have a multiplier if he does this again.

Thanks everyone for your support!

I am so sorry you have had to endure this. Thank you for posting your story. So often I have been told that I am being paranoid and mine would never hurt me. Wrong he would and did. ITs not worth the risk of finding out just how badly. I am so amazed by your courage to pursue the toughest sentence. I should have charged mine but I didn't think anyone would believe me. So he has no record of any kind. I should have had your courage so that even if it was dismissed there was a paper trail for the next person he hurts. You are amazing and brave. Never doubt yourself. You are awesome. I hope your wounds heal and your heart finds peace and joy.   

Thanks Hope2727 - I actually did not have much say in the matter. I got a phone call from the victim advocate when I was released from the hospital (the day after the attack) and asked if they could count on my cooperation because the prosecutor was planning to pursue my case. I took it as "We're doing this, are you helping?" It's interesting to me how this works and how different it can be from case to case. I'm not certain, but I believe this is probably because it was an assault 2 case with an "extent of injury" aggravator. Having said that - I have been as helpful as I could be under the circumstances and hope that I would have pursued the case if it HAD been more in my hands, but I can't know for sure. These relationships are so impossibly hard - and I have NOT always done the "courageous" thing. Thank you though for your words, there are moments when I swear the support of others is the only thing getting me through... .

Lala

I think courageous is just enduring and surviving this to come out the other side and moving forward.

Hey Lala, I'm so sorry to learn that you went through this horrific experience.  I admire your courage to share what happened and to assist in his prosecution.  You are a brave and strong person. 

LuckyJim

I hear people say, "He (or she) would never hurt me!" And that's true, until they do.

I actually had someone tell me, in the midst of their pitt bull attacking my horses, that "He's a nice dog, he'd never hurt anybody." Well, that guy got an earful and fortunately my horses weren't hurt. I was really disappointed that my gelding missed the dog when he let loose a big kick. So I called Animal Control and my former neighbor, because he couldn't keep his dog from wandering in our rural area, re-homed his dog at his father's house.

Denial. We want to believe the best of our loved ones. And they want to think the best of themselves.

I can remember my former husband saying, "You made me do that... ." And the one time he showed up uninvited at my house after the divorce, he said, "I'm a nice guy." Yeah, on what planet is that?

A few years after I divorced him, I ran into him in town and he introduced me to his wife-to-be. A month or so afterwards, I read in the local paper that he was arrested for domestic violence after beating her. He never showed up for his arraignment and the two of them fled to Hawaii. For years he had an outstanding warrant in this state. He must have returned and taken care of it, as it's no longer on the Sheriff's website. I kept track. I figured if I ever would cross paths with him in our town, I was going to turn him in.

Cat forgives, but doesn't forget.

Lala Ive been following your story. Im absolutely heartbroken to hear this. Im sending you all the healing and light I can send your way and hoping for a complete physical recovery and that you will find peace in your heart after taking time to heal and mend.

I dont know if this helps but I want to send some optimism your way and give you hope. I havent posted about this before but Ive been very accident prone this year and my rs with pwBPD is one of the main stress factors causing it. I was distracted and stuck my finger in a food processor earlier this year and pushed the power button at the same time. I was incredibly lucky to just get lacerations. Nobody forced me, pwBPD wasnt even in the house but I wasnt paying attention and my stress level was through the roof. I was told I would lose my fingernail and I might not regain feeling in my finger. I am still numb but the fingernail never fell off. I took really good and constant care of the wound and as everyone had told me it was 100% certain my nail would fall off I was worried about my appearance and how I would look to my students and clients at work. Im very grateful that I healed so well and I am still hoping for the nerves to heal so that my left index finger will allow me to type and do all the things like I used to.

I hope your wounds heal, that you will worry less about your scars (it matters to all of us) and that you take the best care of you that you possibly can 

Lala,

I've read a lot of posts here. I've related to some. I've felt the confusion and frustration of others, but yours is the only one that made me cry.

I hope you heal in all ways. I hope you are safe at all times. I hope you know that we all care for you.

DH

Dear Lala, count one more standing with you and sending love. 

Lala,

I was lost for words when I read your post as the tears took over.  Now I have found these for you.

It took such courage and strength to write your heartbreaking story and I can only begin to imagine how you must feel.  Thank you for sharing with all of us your terrifying experience and taking the opportunity to send a message of care to others.  It can't have been easy to write about, much less to go through.  As you heal, I hope that you can have pride in yourself for enduring this and coming out stronger for it.  You are inspiring.  May any remaining scars in the future remind you of your bravery at this time, amazing lady.  Look after yourself well, now and always.

Love and light   

Lala      I'm so sorry this happened to you. Our virtual arms are around you.

What is the latest? How are you doing?

heartandwhole

Thank you everyone, it helps so much to read your responses and feel supported. This has, without a doubt, been the hardest time in my life.

The latest - The prosecutor wasn't willing to plead down or ask for minimal sentencing. He offered to take the aggravators off the table if ex would plead guilty to felony 2 assault with a sentence of 9 months. And now I wait... .the offer was put out there almost 2 weeks ago, but I've been warned that this process can take some time. I was asked if I would be willing to testify if he refuses to plead, I agreed.

I took my children to the OR coast for the eclipse this past week and I'm so grateful that we had that time together. The weather could not have been more perfect and it was such a blessing to lay down my troubles for a few days. I returned to my classroom as soon as we got home and the past few days have been extremely difficult. Nothing specific to note, everything just feels hard. Taking my restraining order to my director was hard. Explaining my scars to my colleagues has been hard. Trying to wrap my head around everything there is to accomplish before children arrive in the classroom in a week is mind blowing. But I am grateful to have something to focus on that has nothing to do with my ex or the case. There is also an old friend in town and I am so happy that I will be spending time with her over the next few days. (although it is feeding into the general sense of being completely overwhelmed!) I have much to be grateful for.

I heard from my ex's son's (I'll just call him "N" to simplify) grandmother yesterday. She sent an email thanking me for having been the rock in her Grandson's life this past year. She told me that as he talks about his life, it becomes more obvious that I had been the most stable adult he had in recent times. She wanted me to know how grateful she is that I had loved her grandson, took care of him, and have continued to help him transition. I am so glad that he is in such a good place and that this amazing woman has allowed me to continue to know him. (I have visited him a total of 3 times over the past 6 weeks since this happened.) I also am well aware that the time is coming when I will need to let go of N for good so that *I* can move forward and heal. I have been struggling with that so much. I adore him, and I know it was important initially for us to have some contact so that he could know I was ok, and so that I could be assured that HE was in a good place. But as long as I have contact with him, I can't let go of his Dad completely (and I fear it will make it harder for him to built attachments to his Mom and Grandmother as they become his primary caregivers). The plan has always been (as the stable and currently available adult from his most recent life) to help built a bridge between his old life and new one, walk him across it, and kiss him Goodbye. As damaged as I have been by my ex and his actions, the truest victim in all of this is N. I am so glad to know he is in such a good home, I have nothing but positive feelings about his current environment. But damn is letting go hard. It's a process and I'm getting there.

I saw a plastic surgeon right before my trip. There is a lot that can be fixed and that is good. He injected my scars with steroids to help them flatten, he can laser them later. The bridge of my nose is still crooked and that can be fixed. My septum is crushed, that can be fixed. There is a ridge of scar tissue blocking  one of my nostrils almost 50%, that can be removed. All of this needs to wait about 6 months so that the bones completely set and heal. I feel very good about all of that, though admittedly I would love to be able to have it fixed NOW. Patience has never been my strong suit. And I was disappointed that he agreed with the other doctors that I likely will never get full mobility back. That is improving slightly, I hope that eventually it will be barely noticable. In general, I am feeling better about my appearance now that I know the most obvious things can be helped.

One foot in front of the other and day by day. I am still prone to random bouts of tears, but yesterday I also laughed so hard at coffee with a friend that my sides hurt and couldn't catch my breath. It had been a long time since I'd done that and it felt good. I'm hopeful that those moments will become my "normal" soon.

Thank you everyone. Your support is everything... .

Lala

That's good news about the surgery etc.
As for the plea bargaining - a vile system. In the UK we dont have this. They either walk or do major time.

Judging by your injuries it sounds to me like attempted murder would have been a more appropriate charge. thank goodness he didn't have a knife when he attacked you.

anyway all the best.

Lala,

Would you rather him plead and never face him again.

or

Would you rather go to trial and testify?

No right or wrong answer.  If you are unsure, I would tend to nudge you towards testifying.  I think that standing up for yourself like that would be good.

Did you say you have been in T?

Any idea if "N" is in T?

I had a thought.  If N is in T... .perhaps there is a contact to make there and let the T know that you are willing to play a role... if T believes it to be productive.

I do agree that longer term you will likely need to fade away.  Perhaps to "once a year aunt" status... .who knows.

Here is the thing... .This is about relationships that are important to you.  This is about relationships that are important to N.

If N's Dad has done things that place him outside those relationships (which he has)... .I would be reluctant to change stuff important to me, because of someone else's misdeeds.

Above all... .I would trust the judgment of a good T as to level of involvement with child

Last:  So glad to hear there is a way forward on your scars and surgery. 

   

FF

FF - I've thought about that a lot and my answer changes frequently depending on how strong I am feeling. Sometimes I think about walking into a courtroom to face him and can trigger a full blown panic attack. Other times I feel like I NEED to tell my story and confront him, and worry I will have regrets if I don't. At the end of the day I think I'm leaning slightly towards hoping that he pleads because it guarantees that a felony conviction will stand on his record. He can be extremely charismatic and charming when it suits him, and while it seems like there is ample evidence, it would gut me if he charmed his way out of a conviction somehow.

I saw N yesterday and could not have been happier with the progress he's making. The first few visits he wanted to talk extensively about his Dad and had a lot of questions about what happened. (Do you hate my Dad? They say you aren't friends anymore, but why can't you make up like the other times? If he's sorry, why can't it go back to the way it was? If you aren't my Dad's friend can you still be my friend? He had scratches on his arms and face when he came back, did you do that? If my Dad is mad at you is it ok if I still love you?) I answered as honestly and age appropriately as possible and always made sure that Grandma was aware of these interactions. Generally we agreed he needed to have these conversations as part of his process, and he was not willing to talk much about his Dad with Grandma. (I think that was because he had learned to compartmentalize "Mom's house" and family and ":)ad's house" because my ex was so threatened when N spoke positively about what happened at Moms house.) Yesterday he didn't talk about his Dad a single time. He talked with tremendous enthusiasm about his new bike, reading the Hardy Boys at bedtime, his upcoming camping trip, his trip to Gameworks with his Mom, and some funny stories about the dogs. It was wonderful to see him so happy. He starts therapy next week and I will mention to Grandma that I'm happy to talk with the T to give any relevant information as well as how best to proceed with having any contact with N moving forward. I know that I will always have contact with Grandma and in that way will know how he is doing. And if seeing him at an occasional function is something the therapist thinks would be ok than I would love to do it. But I do not want to hold him back from fully bonding and embracing his new life, and do not want to make him feel conflicted about seeing me once his Dad is out of jail. I can't imagine ex will regain full custody, but I'm sure he will have visitation of some kind.

I've been putting a lot of thought into my relationship with N and why we became so close. I love kids, I have kids, I'm a teacher, and it's very "natural" for me to "Mom" little ones. But it was more than that. And I realized that he and I had our own bonds formed through trauma. Ex would do his BPD thing, and frequently N and I would be standing together on the other side trying to mitigate and figure things out. It sounds corny, but it's like we were on the same "team" in that way. I am just so grateful he's in a place now where he never has to walk on eggshells, anticipate possible emotional responses, or form attachments to other adults "for protection".

It's a complicated situation to say the least and I'm bumbling about just trying my hardest to do the right thing. Thanks for your input!

Lala

Few things.

Are you in T?  

So... .N hasn't been in T, but starts next week... .right?

My reaction is that it would be good for you guys to maintain some kind of relationship.  Again... .I wouldn't  give any thought to impact that your r/s would have on the Dad or Ns r/s with his Dad.

Boundaries! Remember.  

I think this could be powerful lesson/example for N that he can have relationships with people that don't like each other, or for whatever reason have chosen not to have a relationship with each other.

 N and you.  N and Dad.  N is ok with r/s with each... . you and Dad don't have r/s.  You are ok with his r/s with Dad.  :)ad will do whatever he does.

Final thought.  The impact of your r/s with N (both ways... .you to him and him to you) is obvious and deep in your posts.  Please don't let someone outside that r/s destroy that.

Boundaries.

Now... .if T has concerns... .very important.  And I also think it proper you "step back" some.  Let T guide you how much.

I wouldn't worry about his charm in court.  There seem to be facts here... .he did it.  

A T could help guide you on this.


FF

I disagree with Formflier on this. I think your current role, helping to bridge N's relationship to his new guardian, is more than generous. Unless your abuser has his parental rights terminated, continuing a relationship with N means being entangled with your abuser. And you need to protect yourself by avoiding that.

I also agree with Lala that pleading as charged is the most secure way to ensure a conviction. All kinds of things happen in the court system that have nothing to do with what happened factually. I say that as someone who participated in making that be true (as a defense lawyer).

Lala, I experienced serious physical abuse in my marriage (not with the man I mostly post here about). I testified in our divorce trial because my exH wouldn't agree to the terms I needed to keep my kid safe. It was empowering in the way you imagine, and also awful in the way you also imagine. He was representing himself so cross-examined me himself. We are cordial these days and I see him because we have a kid together whom he sees occasionally, but she mostly wants to do that with me present. Bottom line: you don't have control of the court process and anything might happen; all you have control of is how you handle yourself.

You've done a marvelous job with N. Lucky kid (relatively speaking), and this will undoubtedly help him have a frame for manipulative behaviors his dad also directed and would have directed and likely will still direct at him. Seems to me you need make no black and white decisions about how that goes forward. You may remain part of his "found" family for years to come, if grandma passes and he needs someone trustworthy to ask for advice. Letting it be what it is and should be over time without forcing it makes sense to me.

Hey... .no intent here to "argue" my point.  Perhaps it was misunderstood.

1.  It seems obvious that Lala has a great fondness for N and enjoys her relationship with him.
2.  I got a sense that she was thinking she "would have to" limit or drop contact with N because of changing circumstances and because the disordered Dad is likely to be part of N's life in the future.


I try to resist any thinking that says because a disordered person is going to do x then I must do Y.  Especially if it is a "may do" kinda thing.

Said another way... .

If Lala thinks it best to distance from N... then I'm all for it.
If N's T thinks it best... .then I'm all for it
I can think of a number of other reasons I would be "for" putting distance in Lala's r/s with N.

Because N's Dad may be back around in the future is not one of those reasons.  Cross that bridge when you get there and/or use appropriate boundaries.

Hope this clarifies my "stance".

FF

See, this is the point I disagree with. He's not just a "disordered person." He's a person who violently assaulted her and could have killed her.

Oh... .I see... .I think I see our disconnect.

There may be a point if the future where this presents itself and may not be solvable... .and Lala may need to step back further... .or totally. 

That is not the case today and as I make assumptions about the future... .I don't see it becoming an issue "for the near future". 

Said another way... .I certainly wouldn't ever suggest Lala and this guy ever have contact. 

Now that I think about it more... .I would suggest that Lala consider possible civil remedies (post conviction) to further emphasize him staying away from her.

I would hope that the majority of the impact of "them staying apart" is felt by the assaulter and not the "victim".  So... .let's say in the future it is a known thing they will be at same event.  I would hope that he is the person that "has to" bow out of the event because of orders not to be around her... .vice her having to alter her life (too much) "not being around him".

I would extend this same thinking to her relationships.

I hope this is a bit more understandable... .I'm a bit worried that I'm over explaining and muddling my point.

Wouldn't be first time I've done that...

FF

Yeah... .I didn't quite follow all that. But, we don't need to go round and round on this in Lala's thread. My recommendation that the best way to keep away from someone dangerous and violent is to just keep away from him, not to hope that legal structures/incentives/processes will serve as effective barriers.

Yep... .I agree we shouldn't "hijack" her thread much longer... ... ..but I think there is value how you apparently look at this and how I look at it.

We certainly teach here to not making decisions based on "fear, obligation and guilt".  Just like any "rule" it can be taken too far.  Certainly there are times when you should make a decision... .for no other reason that you "fear" something. 

The issue seems to be when you have a "pattern" in your life of deciding "because of" fear, vice using fear to inform your decisions.

So... .I would be entirely supportive of anyone deciding to skip some particular event because of a fear of bumping into a persecutor.  That's called thinking things through for that event.

That's very different that saying I will "never again" do xyz because of a "fear" of someone else.

A healthy life is lived somewhere in the middle... .

OK... I'm ready to surrender to the swat team to end the hijack.  Good discussion.


FF

Yes, a good discussion, and I think it happened because Lala's selfless example stoked a little passion in us to think through ways to continue to help N.  Backing up from the details to look at the whole, perhaps this discussion could be taken as a gentle offering to Lala that she may have more choices in the future that just the one.  There are even more possibilities -- she could stay in touch with the grandmother and reconnect with N when he is 18.  But Lala doesn't need to make any final decisions now.  Healing takes a tremendous amount of energy.  The grace with which Lala has dealt with the situation with N has been truly epic and makes me certain she will choose a good path when the time comes.  Even if it is no more than she has already done, I am sure it will make a lasting difference for him.

Lala, please keep us posted on how you are doing!

Hi everyone! I had an out of town friend visiting for a week and then dove head on into playing catch up with my classroom prep - I am just reading many of these replies.

Wentworth - thank you for your kind words, I teared up reading them. I have made many mistakes over the course of this relationship and since, but I have had only the purest of intentions where N is concerned. I could not abandon him when his whole world had been thrown into total chaos, and it has meant so much that his grandmother recognized our connection and allowed me to be in his life. In a situation that has been truly wretched and painful, seeing N's progress has been a ray of light.

And Flourdust and FF - hijack away! Both of you have helped me solidify things that I've already been thinking about. I think that letting go of N to a certain extent is one of those things that is appropriate now that the immediate crisis has passed. Grandma and I have agreed to stay in touch. I know that I will see him again. But he has returned to school, I've returned to work. He is in a wonderful home where he is loved and well cared for. I've told Grandma he can call me anytime for any reason. This isn't "goodbye".

But he represents in a very tangible way the future that I had, at one time, hoped to have. I needed to know he was going to be ok. I NEEDED that. But now it's time to move on from being "so" close. Because it hurts. And it means, no matter how well intentioned, I hear about my ex. Last time I dropped off, grandma and I got to talking about how completely ex spins reality to avoid responsibility. As an example, she mentioned that he has been telling people that he hit me because he had to protect N. (The implication being that I was going to hurt N somehow I guess?) While I still have no memory of the actual assault, I KNOW this is absolutely not true, and hearing that gutted me all over again. I spent most of that evening anxiously wondering if he could actually convince people that it had happened that way and emotionally spiraling. I know Grandma wasn't telling me to cause anguish, but these are the kinds of inevitable interactions that I am feeling the need to guard myself from to some extent.

So the reality is, in addition to knowing that ex might have a bad reaction to continued contact, THAT is only one of a myriad of factors.

I had to chuckle talking to a friend last night - for 20 years I led the most "vanilla" life anyone could ask for. Now I can't find simplicity to save my life and even figuring out what to make for dinner seems like a huge task some evenings. But things are improving and I have faith they will continue to do so. Thank you as always for your kindness, wisdom, and support!

Lala

 
Well thought out... .focused on what you need to take care of you and move forward with your life.  Solid work!   |iiii

When you do have continued contact with Grandma, I would be upfront with her about your desire to not talk about the Dad.  I can completely see how that would be hurtful.

FF

Lala,

Thank you so much for letting us hear your update, for your eloquence, and for your kind words :)  May you have a wonderful fall in your classroom, and here's to some "vanilla" days ahead!

I'm glad to hear you're taking control back and feeling some improvement. As I'm sure you know, it's not a linear path to recovery. Take each day as it comes, and don't beat yourself up if you fall down on some of those days.

Anything special or pleasant you are looking forward to this fall?

Hello Lala,

I am so sorry what happened to you. I am also amazed about how you are handling all of this. This shows me that you will make it through, and you will thrive.

About you seeing the son of your ex, my opinion is that it could be beneficial for him if you keep contact. We never have enough people in our lives who love us. I don't think it would prevent him to bound with his grandmother - on the contrary. On the other hand you are giving some very good reasons to take a step backwards in all of that. Please always remember, you are the most important person in your life. Trust your own judgement. Your feelings are important.

xx

I had to chuckle talking to a friend last night - for 20 years I led the most "vanilla" life anyone could ask for. Now I can't find simplicity to save my life and even figuring out what to make for dinner seems like a huge task some evenings.

You had a concussion and brain injuries take a long time to heal. I know. I had my concussion in January. I got over most of the obvious symptoms a number of months ago, but I still struggle with some things from time to time, such as making decisions, feeling motivated, getting organized, having my energy back.

I had cranial-sacral treatment done after my concussion and it would be good for me to do some more of that. It really helped. Also a veterinarian friend told me about doing neurofeedback--it's really helped her a lot.

For me, it's like there are little particles remaining, sort of bits of dust left over from the concussion--and I'd like to sweep these away. I'm seeing a physical therapist for my shoulder rehab and she, and my doc have both said that sometimes it takes at least a year to fully recover from a concussion. I'd like to speed this up.

Not only were you injured physically, but being brutalized so physically, you have other invisible injuries. I hope that you've found a therapist to work with you to deal with those. Having been physically harmed by my ex, I know how valuable therapy is in recovery.

     Cat

I hope you haven't had any lingering effects from your concussion. Some people don't. But in case you have, I want you to know about treatment options and that they can really help.

Most days I feel really good and back to normal, however today I find myself feeling more emotional, less grounded and lacking energy and motivation.

Having been reassured by health care professionals that TBIs take a lot of time and energy, I can relax and not worry. It's frustrating to not be able to summon my will and energy, but I know it's a passing thing and I just need to rest a bit. Tomorrow I'll probably feel energetic and enthusiastic again. It's just a process of healing.

I wish you the best in your recovery of mind, body and spirit. Your strength is an inspiration and will serve you well. Be especially kind to yourself and as much as possible, take the time to rest and recharge.