Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD => Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD => Topic started by: Harri on August 27, 2017, 05:44:41 PM

Title: Roomie Update
Post by: Harri on August 27, 2017, 05:44:41 PM
Not sure where to begin... .embarrassed to write this but... .gotta do it!  Need direction and support more than validation.

Okay, so in other threads I mentioned back in january that I got a roommate.  Someone I have known for almost 18 years who was caught up in a bad situation and was homeless.  I told her she could move in with me and we would see how it goes.  It took her about 2 months to find a job but she did... .and by day 2 was whining about it saying it was hard, her body ached, etc.  This was after her saying she did not care what kind of job, blah, blah, blah.  I have written previously that she is grumpy and wears her emotions on her sleeve, not even attempting to put a smile one, etc.  Not terribly difficult but bothersome to me. 

So, when she first moved in she told me she fled a domestic violence situation, she only has one drink per day, she would never lie to me or take advantage of me or 'dis-respect' me.  She was also supposed to do the heavy cleaning and cook meals on days she did not work late (all offered by her) and I agreed.  She paid nothing to live here for two months and then I only asked for a very small amount monthly (after she started working).  She also had some access to my car (she was on my insurance which she paid for).  again, she repeatedly told me she would not lie to me, take advantage of me or dis-respect me.


About three to four months in, she stopped cleaning, never really having done the heavy cleaning, she stopped cooking, her 'one drink a day' turned out to be one pint of vodka a day as her usual.  Her consumption increases when she is upset, stressed, angry, tired, happy... .you get the point.  She hides how much she drinks and is in denial about how bad she is saying "she does not want to stop drinking".

Her supposed DV situation was actually not... .she was the one beating the crap out of him.  I knew none of this until 4 months in.  It gets better though... .When she moved out of state 4 or 5 years ago she told me it was to marry her boyfriend who was in the military who was
moved to virginia.  Not quite.  Turns out she met him through one of those ridiculous prisioners looking for love web sites and actually married the guy.  got the scales of justice tattoo on her arm to prove her love to him and all that crap.  They only ever held hands and kissed briefly.  Anyway, he divorced her after she found a man to satisfy her needs... .the one who supposedly beat her up.


So this past July 28th, her boyfriend, who turns out to be the same guy she beat the crap out of, comes for what is supposed to be a three day visit.

I just managed to get rid of him by shipping him via train to his home state on Tuesday last week.  So almost a month except for the one week he had to go home to take care of things.

This little trip that turns out to be the 2017 version of Gilligans Island only instead of a three hour tour it was supposed to be a three day trip because---> the 'friend' who promised me she would never lie, take advantage or disrespect me drove with said boyfriend to a bar, was possibly drunk beforehand but drank more, got behind the wheel and drove until her boyfriend made her pull over after almost hitting the side of an 18 wheeler... .and he, who did not ever under any circumstances have permission to drive my car, got behind the wheel because he was 'the least intoxicated between the two of them' and started to drive home.  On the way he managed to rear-end/tap the car in front of them.  No one hurt and no damage at all, not even a scratch, but the person they hit called the police because they just drove off.

Roomie comes home announcing "It's not good news Harri, I'm sorry" and I look up and see a policeman walking in my house.  He took Roomie home because she explained I was disabled and she had my car so no way I could go get her.  Roomies idiot boyfriend got hauled to jail.  Charged with driving without a license, DUI, failure to stop.  Not usually something you go to jail over (or so I am told... haven't a clue really) but when they ran his name, he had a warrant out for his arrest and two aliases.  Turns out the warrant and aliases were for his nephew,not him but he still spent the night in jail.

Several court dates and continuances spread out over about three weeks and still has more to go to... .and all hell breaks loose.

I told Roomie no more driving my car, ever.  Gives me attitude.  I tell them I want them both out... .no place to go, I allow myself to feel guilty, responsible, to try to fix things, to be compassion because there but for the grace of God go I... .blah blah blah.  My T says it is because I still can't tell when i am being abused and manipulated (many verbal arguments, emotional mnipulation, etc).  My T called me a Putz   (I really really like her by the way)

I thought I was doing good because I was speaking up, saying no, setting boundaries, waiting to make decisions until I sorted out my feelings, being up front about where I was and what i was feeling... .Yeah, a Putz.

Lots of discussions.  I did tell her she could stay after I told her she had to leave (my bad) and then when she started getting verbally abusive again, I told her to leave and the changed my mind again after she and boyfriend begged and cried to let her stay.  Boyfriend swears she is better living with me... .told me all sorts of things like her attacking his niece with a knife, her getting thrown out of nieces house and that is why she had to leave and came back to this state 'homeless'... .

So there I was trying to be patient but firm, kind but not a pushover (and I feel bad about the back and forth about she has to leave, stay etc... .my bad).  Setting boundaries, told her I would not kick her out without helping her find a place (putz!)

And I meant every word until this past Monday when she got herself into a rage, swearing and name calling, yelling and screaming, accusing me of being after her man and thereby dis-respecting her, denying any responsibility for what happened, accused me of taking advantage of her, all th while her boyfriend is standing just out of sight and feeding things to her to tell me.  At one point she calmed down and saw how upset I was after about an hour of this and she tried to hug me... .  I kept telling her no, saying please don't touch me, please stop I don't want to be hugged and she kept it up until her boyfriend pulled her away from me.  I am pretty sure he knew I was about ready to call the cops. 

She calmed down, I was still a total wreck and refused to drive him to train station.  No way could I drive.  He changed ticket to 30th... .but I never said he could stay until then.  then I found out that when he told me he had another court date on the 4th, I was wrong in assuming it was September 4th.  Nope, October.  And neither bothered to try to correct my mistake, but instead started to accuse me of changing my mind again and telling me he was going to end up in jail back in his home state (did I mention he is on parole?) if I did not let him stay and how he had no money to pay for all these train tickets.  They really thought that i would just allow him to stay for anoter 5 weeks.  hell no.

Had therapy already scheduled for Tuesday and T told me to kick them out.  Call a lawyer and kick them out.  She said that If I were on disability due to PTSD/mental problem, she would have to call the police and report that I was being abused.


I knew things were twisted, I was being manipulated and that I was also falling into my role of making things be okay for everyone else and not looking after me, but I thought I was doing okay for the most part (except for flip flopping about moving out).

So I talked with a lawyer who handles landlord tenant  issues and found out I have to give roomie 30 days notice via mailed letter.  I asked how I could get rid of boyfriend if he refused to leave and was told I had no recourse.  hell no.  I got rid of him by keeping my mouth shut and I bought him a round trip train ticket for him to go hom and then come back for his next court date.  I let them assume I did it because I felt guilty about changing my mind.  Hell no.  As soon as roomie got back from taking him to train station, I informed her of new rule... .No more overnight guests.  I will call the cops to have him hauled away if needed.

Regarding Roomie, I mailed the Termination of Tenancy Letter and she should get it Monday or Tuesday.  I am nervous and scared.  My T knows all, obviously, but is out of town this week.  I am, unfortunately back on nurses visits for wound care three times a week and I told both of my nurses what is going on.  One neighbor knows.  So I have people watching out for me.  I can't tell my brother because he will get upset, get involved and possibly get himself in trouble.

So i came here.  Go ahead and say you knew it was a bad idea to have her move in.  Call me a Putz.  Tell me all I did wrong (seriously because I am sure there are things I am missing).  I have no desire to salvage the relationship.  She will be gone come October.

Feel guilty and worried that she will be homeless and has no money saved even after 6 months (so frustrating because I have been struggling so hard to make things work while charging her the bare minimum to cover the cost increase... .and she has nothing saved.)  All this time she was supposed to be in counseling and has only gone for a whopping hour and a half.

Things built so slowly and once again I ignored signs, always willing to adjust and accomodate so others can feel okay  feel horrible guilt for changing my mind a couple of times (I can just imagine the anxiety).

Again, I am scared about her getting the letter.


Title: Re: Roomie Update
Post by: Harri on August 27, 2017, 07:27:26 PM
Forgot to mention that since the accident, every time I say no or I say something she does not like (like 'there are consequences to your bad decisions) she theatens to pack up her things and leave.  She even said she was just going to move back to the state she just left.  Each time I said, okay.  I will not beg her to stay... .to bad I caved to a sense of guilt and a need to fix her.

She gets angry and says I talk to her like she is a child by taking my car away from her and I say if you want to be treated like an adult then you need to act like one and take responsibility for your own bad choices.  I know it is not something to say to someone with BPD tendencies but lord help me, how dumb do you have to be.

She is mad at me because I said I wanted her boyfriend out.  Said it hurt her feelings and I was mean.  BS

Oh, and her accusing me of being after her boyfriend is because I came home from an appointment, roomie was at work and there was her boyfriend on his hands and knees scrubbing my floors!  You know, doing it the way I used to do it when I could.  I kiddingly said "will you marry me?" and the dumba*s turns around and tells her and that when i went out I brought both of us lunch back.

Is that a bad thing to do?  Oh!  And one day I went to the pharmacy and invited him along for a ride.  Total trip time, 30 mins.  apparently I was supposed to check with her and that I did not meant I was disrespecting her.  Really?  To me I thought it would be rude to not invite him along.  Trying to be a good host in spite of my annoyance with the situation (this happened about 2 weeks ago).  Was I out of line?

Title: Re: Roomie Update
Post by: Turkish on August 28, 2017, 12:02:12 AM
Firstly,  I don't think you are a Putz.You were being kind.  Shame on her and him for taking advantage of you. 

Secondly,  they driving drunk is on them.  If you don't drive your car yourself, can you send the keys to a foster home of someone you trust until she is gone?

Thirdly,  it sounds like they don't appreciate your brilliant sense of humor.  I'd suggest not throwing pearls before swine. 

My concern is,  are you safe? It sounds like a lot of people know what's going on.  Nurses are mandatory reporters,  too. Can you check in with someone daily?

I'd refer you to the Improving tools regarding communication,  they're not just for pwBPD.  However,  given your letter,  things are set in motion. 

Do you feel guiltily to some extent here? Personally,  I'd say you've been an 

The validation tools would be a good idea to revisit.  Doesn't mean being a doormat,  but they may help reduce conflict.  If she goes Full Waif (and everybody knows you never go Full Waif), be prepared and strong.  BIFF (Brief,  Informative,  Friendly,  Firm) as necessary as well. 

Both of their lives arrived at this point as a result of their horrible choices.  You did right by providing them a safe haven.  Showing kindness and mercy shouldn't be a suicide pact, so to speak.

Title: Re: Roomie Update
Post by: Panda39 on August 28, 2017, 07:05:27 AM
Hi Harri,

This is just one of those life lessons, we've all had lousy roommates at one time or another.  That don't behave as they should, that take advantage of us, that don't clean up after themselves etc.

Have I ever told you about my college roommate? Forever known to me as Shannon the slut? I chose to switch roommates and move in with Shannon, I liked her, but what I didn't know was she'd invite guys over and do what she did with me trying to sleep in the bed next to her in the room  , that she was a hypochondriac that complained all the time (several of us got sick of the complaining and took her to the ED and she refused to be examined), and that her cousin would come to visit her and bring his sawed off shot gun! You simply don't always know what your getting until you get them and live with them. 

Don't beat yourself up here, just learn from the experience and go on with your life.

Once you get through the process of getting her out then maybe revisit the situation and take a look at everything in hind site.  I doubt you would have done anything different, you did what you did based on what you knew at the time.  I still would have moved in with Shannon because I liked her and thought she was fun and she was but unfortunately she was alot more. 

Be safe and take care,

Title: Re: Roomie Update
Post by: Harri on August 28, 2017, 02:37:41 PM
Hi and thanks for the replies Turkish and Panda.

You both made me laugh and smile.  Thank you.

Turkish, my 'brilliant sense of humor' (haha) is in overdrive and I am carefully reigning it in.  Nothing like twisted humor and a large dose of sarcasm to get through a tense period!  It is going to be very hard to keep my mouth shut and keep from rolling my eyes.

I do feel guilty.  First for not sticking to the "Get your stuff together and get out" and changing my mind.  Not sure how to resolve that other than with acceptance that that was where I was at the time and learn from it.  I also think sending the letter is a hard line tactic, but I did not see any way around it given my tendency to waver and try to fix things for her.   She actually goaded me about her rights and how I had to do it legally... .so I did.  Don't push me.

BF is coming back to town tomorrow and supposed to stay in hotel (I paid for it to keep him out of here).  Then he is to leave late evening on the 30th.  Letter should arrive today or tomorrow... .butterflies are in overdrive, hands are shaking and I really wish I could go back to my days of blissful dissociation at least for an hour or so.  Sometimes getting new coping strategies totally sucks.

Roomie does scare me because she is so unpredictable.  Learned from BF that her stories of beating up women in other state was no exaggeration.  I thought she was joking.  Who does that kind of thing?  I knew her background was very different from mine in terms of that kind of thing but I guess I was in a bubble thinking that sort of thing does not happen in my world... .not even on the fringes.  Silly me.  Sexual abuse, emotional and verbal attacks, mental illness, betrayal... .I understand all that but beating people up for just talking to 'her man'?  Who knew?  Lesson learned.  I will never again propose to a man on his knees scrubbing my floor... .  I feel badly for her.

i was thinking about how the two of them feed each other.  boyfriend is horribly jealous.  Roomie is only slightly better.  I got the feeling the other night that her raging at me about 'her man' was to prove to him that she would fight to prove her love to him.  Just the way she talked and her tone as well as the way she would accuse me and then quick as a rabbit leave the room to report back to him.  She kept hopping all around the place!  LOL  And when I was able to respond, she had already left the room and then she would pop back in and tell me to "be a woman and say stuff to her face".  I can't move that fast!  LMAO  It was her variation of me telling her to act like an adult.  So obvious.

I am mad at myself for getting caught up in her rage after an hour.  I was afraid to leave my condo with them in it but I really should have left.  I can fix a wall.  I can even get my body fixed if needed.  What I can't do easily is fix my psyche.

Without my defenses of dissociation and numbing, I am left with feelings that I am unaccustomed to and I am having a hard time.  Still shaking inside, hands trembling, nightmares, flashbacks.  Her holding me and pinning me on the couch trying to hug me and make things all better are what pushed me over the edge.  Damn that mother of mine and damn her.  I feel like a weenie because what she did is so insignificant but it is taking some time to shake it off.  I have a feeling the next month is going to drag by but I know I can deal with it.  Just wish I did not have to.

I have a safety bag in my car (I do drive so that is good) and and a spare key hidden on the grounds here.  Read about validation and will try but just not into it.  I can't tell if my fear of her is reality based or if it is because I am so unused to these emotions. 

I want to write this here so I can't forget:  I've been talking with my T about this situation for 5 sessions now (which pisses me off because I have bigger issues to address).  T said she thought it was because I needed someone to care for.  I spent a lot of time thinking about it and it is not a complete fit.  What fits is that I can see the potential in my roommate.  She is smart, funny, strong, capable when she is not being crazy... .and I wanted to fix her the way I never could my mom.

Panda, Shannon the slut sounds awful.  You made me laugh though and normalized things for me.    This is definitely a life lesson.  I can see some areas where I have made progress in terms of my responses and thoughts and areas where I still need a lot of work. 

I am more vulnerable now.  The evidence is not just the lack of numbing and dissociation but the fact that I asked for help.  I actually admitted in T that I want someone to help me with all this.  The world did not end.  I did not crumble.  My T brought me to the verge of tears telling me I had her and I came here where I feel safe and comfortable sharing even though I am still embarrassed.

Thank you both. 

Title: Re: Roomie Update
Post by: Woolspinner2000 on August 28, 2017, 09:47:11 PM
Hi Harri! 

Boy, a tough one! But look, you were brave and shared. I think it is awesome that you feel safe to tell us this crazy story.  |iiii I think we all feel just as human as you do at this moment. Turkish often says, "You don't know what you don't know." Just when I think I've got a handle on things, then I too have to go through some darn thing and find out that I still have things to learn, so you're not alone.

butterflies are in overdrive, hands are shaking and I really wish I could go back to my days of blissful dissociation at least for an hour or so.  Sometimes getting new coping strategies totally sucks.

The thought of me confronting DH has set me to shaking too (especially recently). The headaches, anxiety, jumpiness... .all a part of me. The chance to put into place a boundary has caused me more anxiety than anything I imagined. I found I was willing to sacrifice myself all for his feelings to not be hurt. And it wasn't the first time, but a regular practice that I sacrificed me, and all my little inner kids because I was too afraid of the fallout. I totally get it. Darn T for bringing me to a place where it was no turning back but all going forward.

So I did it. I told him NO. You know what? Once I got past the days and hours of pre-boundary setting anxiety, I felt some empowerment that I'd never experienced before, all because I realized that finally it was about my right to decide, not his. It is my choice, not his right to overpower and control, no matter how much he tried to manipulate. Oh how well I learned from my uBPDm and have stayed in that learned behavior. It takes time to change.

I am changing the rules.
You go girl!  |iiii

Wools (who really can understand)

Title: Re: Roomie Update
Post by: Fie on August 30, 2017, 04:55:51 PM
Dear Harri,

Congratulations, you were able to ask for help, and you were able to assert your boundary and write roomie the letter.

What is the worst thing that could happen when the letter reaches her ?  That she starts raging again ? What is it you are afraid of ?

In case she does start raging, I would advise you to call the police. Maybe you can already call them now, explain to them the possible explosive situation, and that she has a history of committing violent acts.
In case the situation escalates, I would call them *immediately* (and I really mean immediately) and tell them to take her away because you don't feel safe. And I would not let her come back. I understand the legal advise your lawyer gave you, I am a legal advisor myself. The advise he gave would be more or less correct in my country too, but only legally necessary in the exceptional case where roomie would take legal action after having been told to leave. Having the law of my country in mind, I would tell somebody in your situation (in my country) to tell roomie to leave immediately (or the next day). I would advise to call the police upon the slightest sign of resisting the request to leave. (It *is* your home !) I would not advise to write a letter with 30 days time to leave. Again, I do agree that probably it's the legally safest way to proceed. But the legally safest way does not always equal the best way. It can actually be the most dangerous way - roomie could flip out - and a lawyer's job is not to help you with a raging roomie - that would be the job of a doctor or a psychologist. Sadly enough this is how legal advisors think (and I understand that).

Anyway, that's my view on things.

Why are you paying for hotel rooms for the boyfriend ? Do you think he has a potential legal claim to be hosted by you ?

You are doing great Harri. You will have learned a lot from this. We all learn along the course of our lives.

Please do make sure you stay safe. Please do us a favor and call the police when a situation occurs that you don't like. We need you here.

Title: Re: Roomie Update
Post by: Harri on September 02, 2017, 07:34:05 PM
Hi Wools.  Good for you for changing things up with your husband! 

I found I was willing to sacrifice myself all for his feelings to not be hurt.
Yes!  I do this too.  for me it is related to believing that I was born to be abused and could handle things better than the other person could.  Talking with my T about it, I said it was a sign of my own arrogance.  she said no, it is a means of control, just like any dysfunctional caretaking action.  Hmmm... .that is a whole nother thread right there!  You mention you are afraid of the fallout.  what are you afraid of?  How are things going with your husband?  Are you and your little wools doing okay?

Hello Fie!  So good to see you.  I've been wondering how you are.  without giving Roomie the 30 days notice she could turn around and sue me and I would be hit with some hefty fines by law.  I just want this done but yes, I am afraid she will flip out worse than she already did with me.  she does have a history of being violent with others so that is a big concern for me.  <sighs>  I guess I could have pushed it and called the cops that night.  I probably should have.  I was focused on trying to keep things calm and not escalate and to be honest I was a bit frozen, trying to figure out how things got so bad so quickly that night.  I was also aware that if I called the cops both her and her boyfriend would be in deeper sh*t than they already are.  I remember feeling reluctant to 'do that to them'.  Sacrificing myself for others again? 

I paid for the hotel because I wanted him gone.  It was the easiest and fastest way I could think of.  If he had come in here I would have no recourse except to call the police to get him out.  He is all muscle and about 275lbs.  I gave them cash to pay for it and don't care if he smoked, drank and drugged his way through it.  It was only enough to get him the cheapest motel room here and I don't regret it.  Seemed like a small price to pay to get him out and overall it is a cheap lesson (with him anyway).

Thanks for the kind words of support fie.  I will learn from this, even more than I already have.  It has been a very long time since I have had to deal with such aggressive BPDish behaviors.

So Roomie got the notice on the 29th, the day BF was returning for a court date.  She read the notice and said thanks for sending it.  I am so brainwashed to always be polite that I said you're welcome automatically.  She said that I should have told her that I was kicking her out.  <sighs> as if I hadn't already a few times and look where that got me.  The letter made this final for me.  No feeling guilt and sympathy and changing my mind now.

She left afternoon of the 29th and did not return until last night (9/1).  I was sleeping when she came in but when she heard me up she came out and gave me half of this months rent saying she would give me the rest on the 15th.  She was shaking, crying, and drunk.  She told me she may not stay for the whole month and that she would not pay for the whole month if she left early.  I'm not sure how I feel about that as legally she has to pay for the 30 days and I can really use it.  She saw my hesitation and said "Harri, you would really take something I do not have?" and I said yes, I have given you enough for long enough.  she again repeated that "she did nothing wrong, I am a f-in c*nt and she hates me.  I simply replied that I am sure she does hate me.

Later she called her youngest son (21 years old) crying hysterically, saying she is sorry she disappointed him and that I am kicking her out even tho she did nothing wrong (again).  She did it loudly enough that I could hear her and I am fairly sure it was on purpose as usually she will shut her door and even if fighting with BF, I can hear but can't understand the words.  I also think her disappearing for two nights was to try to get me worried.  She told me she spent the two nights on the streets.  I simply said that it was her choice.  she again called me the c word. 

I am hoping one of her sons can take her in.  Her oldest is 26.  I hate to see them saddled with her but i can't do this.  One of the things she keeps saying is "this is my life you are messing with" and rather than getting defensive and saying (in my head) that she is the one messing things up, I am saying "but this is my life" and you are having a negative effect on me emotionally and physically (Only say that in my own head of course as she simply will not get it).

I am still messed up from her touching me and trying to force a hug on me.  I guess I am ready to work on some more of the sexual abuse stuff.  I am both looking forward to and dreading my next T session.


Title: Re: Roomie Update
Post by: Fie on September 03, 2017, 03:19:22 PM
Look at you ! I am feeling proud of you. 

Remember, the slightest violence, even verbal, is enough to call the police. That's why they are there.

Yo go Harri. Don't let Roomie sweep you off your feet. And don't let the BF in. On the slightest sight of him : police.

Title: Re: Roomie Update
Post by: Kwamina on September 18, 2017, 01:29:40 PM
Hi Harri

How are things now?

Though I'm a parrot, I've been following your story like a hawk :)

Title: Re: Roomie Update
Post by: Fie on September 18, 2017, 01:53:34 PM
Yes, I am wondering too !

A thought was crossing my mind,

Wouldn't you think that not daring to call the police upon being subject to violence (also emotional violence !) would be an example of 'blaming the victim' ?

Title: Re: Roomie Update
Post by: Panda39 on September 18, 2017, 02:41:01 PM

I've had you on my mind too. 


Title: Re: Roomie Update
Post by: Harri on September 20, 2017, 04:02:10 PM
Hi all.  Sorry you had to come looking for me, and thank you for caring. 

Roomie is gone.  She left last week on Wednesday.  Came out to the living room Tuesday evening of last week, drunk, shaking (from alcohol) and gave me her keys.  I asked what her plan was and she said she did not know.  I asked if she had a safe place to go and she shrugged.  She then started yelling at me saying I kicked her out.  I said yes I did.  Then she said something else but I cant remember what it was.  I just know that it was the final straw for me in terms of me caring even a little bit.  I just shut down and have been that way ever since.  I talked with my T and said I was shut down, but she said she did not think so.  She thought I was just saying no, I don,t want to deal with this anymore and that it was okay for me to do that.  That made me pause and I have to say I think she was right.  I was still feeling, I was just so tired and my eyes kept filling with tears so that is evidence I was not shut down.  I was getting my feelings mixed up.  Maybe interpreting less intense feelings as having none  I am not sure. 

So the day after she told me she was leaving I went out to do a few errands.  I did not really take her statement seriously as she had told me she was leaving so many times before, but sure enough, when I got home an hour and a half later she was gone.  she left some garbage for me to deal with, a filthy floor in her room and a few things I will have to get rid of and that was it.

I had mixed feelings.  Relief that she was gone was primary but parts of me were thinking other things.  Like I did not rate more than a drunken drama filled screamed goodbye from her.  I tell myself not to take it personally but I am still hurt.  Anger that she left her trash for me to deal with when she knows it is hard for me.  I remind myself she never saw me it was always about her.  Sadness that she cant see herself and value herself enough to get help.

Mostly though I am sad, hurt and angry with myself for opening myself up to caring and trusting another person.  I made a mistake and I will learn from it but it still hurts and feels a bit defeating.  One thing that does sort of help is remembering that I knew her Before.  Before I started working on me.  Hell, when I met her I was still being sexually and emotionally abused and living with my parents.  I am different now and I think if someone new tried to do what she did (what I allowed her to do) I would shut it down.  I have done that with a couple of other people

I feel upset with myself because I lost patience a few months ago after she told me she had a hard life for about the 20th time.  See, her step father would sneak into her bedroom and lift her shirt and look at her.  She was 8.  Nothing to see.  He did it for a few months.  She told her mom but she defended her husband.  So when she said she had a hard life once again, I told her to knock it off and to stop using that as an excuse to throw her life away.  That yes, it was horrible that he did that and worse that her mom did not believe her but how long was she going to let that define her and I asked how long she was going to hide behind her history.  I told her my story, very brief.  She stopped telling me how hard her life was and I felt relief.  I shut her down but I cant say I regret it.  I dont.  I am ashamed to say that a part of me is thinking thats all you have... .that is why you are so messed up Roomie  I am patient to a fault sometimes, but not with this sort of stuff.  If someone is trying, open and willing to work, go ahead and tell your story.  but if all you do is cry about it and hide behind it, it is like every drop of patience is drained from me and I am instead filled with annoyance.  A friends role is to not judge... .or maybe that is not true.  maybe people like Roomie are just not for me.  Maybe I do need to judge to have good boundaries.  I have tried so hard to be accepting and understanding of others because I so want someone to do that for me but I seem to accept things I should not. 

I have therapy tomorrow.  I am still weepy.  Last week I asked my T a question I have asked all of my Ts and asked here.  Her reply makes me sad and happy at the same time.  I asked her if I would ever get to the point of being healthy.  She said I can reach a place of peace.  That sounds really nice.

Title: Re: Roomie Update
Post by: Kwamina on September 22, 2017, 02:54:12 PM
Hi Harri

Well I am very glad roomie is gone now after the way she and her boyfriend behaved.

She then started yelling at me saying I kicked her out.  I said yes I did.

I like that part

She thought I was just saying no, I don,t want to deal with this anymore and that it was okay for me to do that.

I think your T made a good point here. This was you saying enough is enough. This was about you considering what you deem acceptable behavior and what not and then taking the necessary steps to enforce/defend your boundaries. This was not an easy situation at all, but you stuck to your plan and implemented it |iiii Remember that a solid overall strategy only requires ordinary day-to-day tactics. You did not engage in her drama game which was very good and instead moved to the center of the drama triangle thereby exposing the extremity of roomie's position on the drama triangle. You did not assume a victim role, nor a role as persecutor nor did you attempt to rescue roomie. You asserted yourself and put your own well-being first |iiii

she left some garbage for me to deal with, a filthy floor in her room and a few things I will have to get rid of and that was it.

Unpleasant indeed, perhaps her way of getting back at you, but the important thing is that she's gone.

Mostly though I am sad, hurt and angry with myself for opening myself up to caring and trusting another person.  I made a mistake and I will learn from it but it still hurts and feels a bit defeating.

You might have misjudged certain situations, but I think you taking her in was an act of kindness and love and I see no fault in that. She lied to you and that's 100% on her. She verbally abused you and that's also 100% on her. Living life perfectly just isn't going to happen, we all make mistakes and each mistake we make actually reinforces our humanity. We are all fallible beings, that's part of our shared human experience. Being able to reflect, analyze and make the necessary adjustments are important qualities too and you exhibited those here. It was a tough situation and you managed to find a way to deal with it which is very significant. To once again quote Pete Walker who's very much in the spotlight now: "Every mistake or mishap is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved."

I asked her if I would ever get to the point of being healthy.  She said I can reach a place of peace.  That sounds really nice.

Another thing that's also nice about your T's response is that she focuses on what you can achieve, not on what you will achieve. Focusing on the results can be overwhelming. This healing journey is long and hard, we don't know where it will lead exactly, but by focusing on what we can do and putting in the work, we can maximize our chances of reaching a place of peace and continued healing.

Take care my friend, good to have you back here

The Board Parrot

Title: Re: Roomie Update
Post by: Harri on September 24, 2017, 04:31:58 PM
Hello Kwamina!  Thank you.  Thanks for pointing out the positives of how I handled this.  I have learned and internalized a lot of the lessons here and I did not see that until I read your response.  It is true that I stayed in the center of the drama triangle... .for most of it.  Certainly the night before she left.  In the weeks preceding her departure I did slip a couple of times and let my temper loose.  I am giving myself a break on this part though and that is a newly acquired behavior as well.  Therapy works.  Beliefs are shifting.

Re: being angry with myself for caring about and trusting Roomie, you are right, I am only human.  Thank you once again.  Those feelings I talked about have all but faded.  Not too long ago I would have taken the fading as a sign that I am heartless... .viewing myself through Roomies eyes... .and viewing myself as a victim.  Hell no.  Apparently, I can play all three parts of the drama triangle all by myself!   :)

I remembered the part that I forgot, the part I said served to take away any part of me that wanted to help roomie.  She accused me of telling her mother about the alcohol, accident, BF and court dates, etc.  I have never met her mother and have no idea what she looks like.  Apparently someone told her?  If it was anyone, I think it was her BF, though it could have been just another story she made up so she could be the victim. 

Not sure why I forgot it when writing this post... .oh well.  Not going to use that to make me doubt myself either.  I just forgot.  I mention it here because it is yet another example of how far gone she is but also because that is exactly the kind of thing my mom used to do to me.  Tell me I did something with such conviction, looking sad and scared and I would believe her, thinking I was crazy and blocked it out.  This time with Roomie?  no dice.   :) 

Thanks Kwamina!

Title: Re: Roomie Update
Post by: Panda39 on September 24, 2017, 06:05:03 PM
Apparently, I can play all three parts of the drama triangle all by myself!   :)

This made me laugh.  Why? The recognition that I can do this too, thankfully just in my head 

... .because that is exactly the kind of thing my mom used to do to me.  Tell me I did something with such conviction, looking sad and scared and I would believe her... .

Can we all say "Gaslighting"! Good for you to catch that.

I'm just glad to hear she's gone and that it went ok.  I hope things are more peaceful  |iiii


Title: Re: Roomie Update
Post by: Fie on September 25, 2017, 02:34:30 PM
Harri, can I just say that I think you have made such an enormous progress lately. Incredible.

You have managed to stick up for yourself and you are being gentle towards yourself. Please keep on doing this.  

I feel like buying a cake so we can all eat it and celebrate.

Title: Re: Roomie Update
Post by: drained1996 on October 10, 2017, 01:01:19 AM
This is a bump post.  Harri, I've followed your story and posts... .even shared a few thoughts of my own along the way.
You are a courageous hero for sharing what you have... .and what you will. I can only imagine your story has touched hundreds if not thousands of followers here. You're bpdfamily is here for you, and those that stay silent and learn are here as well I'm sure. 
Myself, I'll simply ask how you are right now?  Feel like sharing?  You know we're here   

Title: Re: Roomie Update
Post by: Harri on October 14, 2017, 01:42:42 PM
Fie and Panda, lets eat cake! 

Hi drained!  thanks for stopping by to visit again and for your support.  Hero?  I have come to the conclusion that we are all heroes here so right back atcha!   :)

I am doing okay thanks for asking.  Still searching for some footing and some meaning in my life.  I find myself so full of anxiety and it is annoying the heck out of me.  The other day it took me 4 hours to finally get in the shower because I was afraid I was going to fall!  I have no problem in the shower and even have a bench (wonderful thing to have!) so what is up with that?  I finally called BS on myself and did it and then felt ridiculous because I do this daily and it is not difficult ... .and yet today, I sit here delaying my shower yet again. 

My T told me that anxiety (fear) is the other side of anger.  I never heard that before.  She has been working with me on reframing the way I look at myself, my thoughts and my fears and helping me get in touch with my emotions.  My take away has been that the anxiety has replaced the old dissociation, which is an even greater response to fear than my anxiety and panic attacks, so I guess this is progress but I do not like it, not even a little bit.  So I remind myself that liking is it not a requirement for progress.  And I dislike that truth as well.   

I heard from my roommate.  She texted saying she wanted to pick up a couple of things she had left in my car.  She thanked me for 'every thing I did for her' and told me she would never forget me for that.  I replied that I did not want her here and that I would bring her stuff to her at her work place.  That was about 2 and a half weeks ago.  She got mad that I said I did not want her here and replied back that she does not want to come here either.  I laughed to myself.  I haven't heard back from her so I will give it two more weeks and then I am throwing her things in the dumpster.  It is just a $10 beach chair, a lint brush and a cheap pair of flip flops.  My T thinks her contacting me about the stuff was an effort to determine if I was still open to a friendship so she could keep me in her back pocket should she need my assistance in the future.  I have to agree.  Roomie is a user.  I don't think she consciously planned to try to keep me available, but she seems to instinctively operate that way.  Oh well.  I am not going to chase her down.  At one point, when things were bad and I was involved in the drama with Roomie, my T told me to stop because Roomie is an expert and that I would not be able to beat her at her own dysfunction.  She said I was out of my league.  yes.

While I did some things differently with roomie, i am reminded of what someone here writes:  (poorly paraphrased of course) they learned to handle the pwBPD that brought them here very well... .but the next one is totally different.  It fits.  I find strange comfort in that as it is helping me to not get so down on myself for getting involved with roomies drama.

I found another significant improvement in my behavior.  When Roomie had me cornered on the couch trying to force a hug on me, I did not allow it.  Not too long ago I would have, squashed down my fear and revulsion so that someone else would be happy or feel comforted because their needs were more important than mine.  Hell no.

I think I shall adopt that phrase "Hell No" as my mantra.  Hell no to the fear and anxiety.  Hell no to sacrificing myself for others.  Hell no to martyrdom!  Hell no to being a passive victim.  Hell no to letting the actions and thoughts of another define me.  Hell no to being used by people who do not give in return.  Hell no.

ahhh... .anger is so much more energizing than fear and anxiety!  I am off to take a shower.

Title: Re: Roomie Update
Post by: Woolspinner2000 on October 17, 2017, 08:55:42 PM
Ah Harri!

You made me laugh! Especially after your delay mentioned at the beginning of the post.  :)

ahhh... .anger is so much more energizing than fear and anxiety!  I am off to take a shower.

So good to hear from you, dear one! I always love how you are learning and growing and sharing with us even if

I do not like it, not even a little bit.

I'm certainly not making any fun of you, just enjoying your bluntness and the heart touching raw way you share. Keep it up!


Title: Re: Roomie Update
Post by: drained1996 on October 17, 2017, 11:25:46 PM
Hell no to sacrificing myself for others.  Hell no to martyrdom!  Hell no to being a passive victim.  Hell no to letting the actions and thoughts of another define me.  Hell no to being used by people who do not give in return.  Hell no.

Yes, yes, yes... .
slowly discarding those in my life that took and did not give in return was a turning point. We cannot fix others, and fixing ourselves is enough of a challenge at times.  We must look after our own needs and wants.  We are not being selfish by doing that, we are simply doing what is healthy by looking after our own selves.