BPDFamily.com

Hi All -

I've been good friends with my wife for most of 20-some years... .   But until we were just about to get married about 4 years, I never really saw any of the BPD - or at least never recognized it.

After we were married, I became increasingly shocked at the vacillation between being idolized versus demonized.    After being such good friends for so long, I was dumbfounded by the hostile periods of being demonized.    As time has gone on, it seems like they are getting worse.

A couple of years ago, I ran onto the Walking on Eggshells book - and was so mesmerized, I read it one sitting.   It was like finding the answers at the back of the book - for a class I was failing dismally.    I've read and re-read parts of it over and over since then.

But unfortunately, knowing WHAT is going on has not really helped.    As time has gone on, despite trying my best to keep in mind the principles from the book, it seems like the good times are really shrinking - and the periods of demonization are getting worse.

Despite trying my best to avoid triggers, provide constant reassurance, provide support other members of her family, etc, it seems like she is becoming increasingly disillusioned with me.   I work 2 jobs with side jobs and cannot keep up with the spending or pampering.

It seems as though the "recitation of shortcomings" when she gets so upset is becoming cumulatively longer and longer and she is magnifying/multiplying them together in her mind.    Looking back, it seems like the closer emotionally/more permanent we came (getting married, then buying a house, working at the same company with retirement in view, etc) the more comfortable she has become being in being as acidic and harsh as humanly possible.    I would have given up long ago, if it hadn't been for becoming aware of the whole BPD thing.


SO - my question is - does anyone have any tips for reducing the "cumulative weight of woes" as time goes on?   Is this the typical progression/expectation?    If I just let her try to make it on her own for a while, will the reality help "shock her back to reality"?   

We are close to divorce, though it is very painful to realize I'm losing my best friend.    When she is like this, she is like a mortal enemy with no mercy or affection whatsoever.




Thanks for any advice... .
HH

Hi Case600lp,

It is so interesting to hear the stories we all have. I notice when I hear about women with BPD I always have this urge to want to sit down with them and try to "talk sense" in them about their partners. I am not sure logic helps though in these situations, and I will never be able to get to all the wives/partners here!  I am not a BPD woman, and I am a feminist, but I do know as women we can often have some pretty high/unreasonable expectations of our partners - be very demanding while not giving back the simple things that make them happy. (In this case I mean how we respond to heterosexual men.) I learned over the years not to bombard my husband with lots of requests when he walks in the door after a long day of work. I consciously try to be friendly, see how he is doing, and offer what I can to ease his transition to relaxing and being home for the evening. I consciously work to help reduce his stress, not add to it.

If you still have some energy left in you for this I would say to toss all you think you know, and start again. Start all over again with the lessons here. A Beginner's Mind approach if you will. Write out what your problems are. Is she raging? Is she violent? Is she no longer affectionate? What are we working with here specifically? :) Keep in mind the goal of your work is not to eliminate this. It is not going away. I believe that it takes "Radical Acceptance" for those of us who are living in this.

That does not eliminate the possibility I will leave this relationship at some point, but I do not live with that as a current option, with one foot in and one foot out even though this extreme behavior can make you feel broken into those two pieces - force you to live with those realities. It is just too much to have that I found. Being "in" helps me to stay positive and remain focused on the present. I noticed lately I was dealing with some resentment and anxiety, so I had to work on that before it got out of hand, especially the resentment.

Dealing with this stuff you are really doing most of the work on yourself so let yourself feel good about that - that is in your control and something in the positive column of life. :)

Let's stop here and look her "recitation of shortcomings". Are any of them true? Or does she just say mean stuff to hurt you? Or does she just not know how to word things? If she has valid points can you listen past the garbage package they are delivered in?

My husband threw a lot of mean words and insults at me this past weekend. I can't remember exactly what he said because frankly it was a bunch of nonsense and cruelty. He raged and spit it all out and I had to set aside the pain for a moment and reply like this. "I hear you are feeling bad. I think you feel insecure that I don't love you and don't want to be with you. That is not true." I may not be wording things "correctly" either, and for the particular issues I had to wade through a lot of garbage, but I was able to focus on the feeling underneath the anger and deal with that. The rest really is garbage and I thank my brain for dumping most of it out of my memory banks. Whew!

I don't think you should defend or justify that you are or want to be a good husband. That is something you can agree on perhaps, "Listen, we both want to be good partners with each other. What can we do to make things better?" If you say you want to be a good husband she can't really argue with that and you don't have to defend that. Fact. But perhaps that is a discussion for a white phase and not a crisis. Use the calm phases to lay a positive foundation for the relationship so you aren't always in crisis mode.

Take care! :)

*welcome*

I want to join pearlsw in welcoming you. I think that she was giving you some really good advice when she said:


Much of what we must do when dealing with a relationship with a person who exhibits BPD traits (pwBPD) is counter-intuitive. We must, therefore, learn new ways of having a relationship.

I also think that she asked some really great questions when she said:


The more that you tell us about what is going on, the better we can support you.

Keep writing. Tell us your story - it helps you to get it out and it helps others when they see that they are not the only ones suffering.

Hi Case -

The signs were there, we just rationalize some of their behavior because we love them. 20 + years almost gives them a lot more fuel for the fire in your case. I think my GF mom has BPD too, I have seen her bring up arguments from 20+ years ago in her 30+ year marriage. That's insane.

Sorry, if you already mentioned but Is she diagnosed with BPD? That's always the first problem. I hear the DBT helps and if I can convince my gf (or ex as of today) to go, it will probably save her future and our future. Their rigidity is a huge problem, and ultimately they are just extremely fragile and averse To the people that love them the most. I cannot make sense of it.

 Do what you can, I keep preaching S.E.T. because you can't control what they see.


Cheers!