BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

I'm just curious if anyone's ex has returned and not only said that they wanted/have changed, but have gone through the steps (therapy, AA, couple's therapy etc.) to show that their words match their actions.

My ex had an awareness for his illness but believed therapy wouldn't help him anymore. I suppose I wonder if this would change down the line and if anyone has experienced this AND reconciled successfully.

Looking forward to reading the responses!

Hi Angel,

My ex refused to believe that her behaviours were anything other than justified for the "way I was" with her...   She went to AA for 2 weeks and stopped drinking, things improved but then she went back on the drink and in a 2 week period had 6 seizures... .  That's was a scary time... .  She asked once to go to couples therapy, so I agreed and on the night before we were due to go, we had an argument... .and that didn't happen... .!

you wont find cases of this on these boards. there are many success stories on the Improving board some of which involve the pwBPD following through with therapy.

are you wanting to rekindle the relationship?

Thanks for the replies, guys, and my apologies if I've posted this question in the wrong place... .

Do I want to rekindle the relationship? At this point, I don't think I would look to rebuild a romantic relationship but rather a friendship under the right circumstances. Truth be told, I have a lot of compassion for my ex because of his BPD/C-PTSD but I also have it for myself after knowing what I've had to endure throughout the relationship.

Trust is not there now and any healthy relationship needs to have trust in order to thrive and grow. I would only be open to rebuilding the relationship if he committed to therapy, various 12 step programs and couple's therapy. That's a full basket and while I'm not putting my life on hold, I am open to rebuilding some form of a relationship if he should return with heartfelt interest in working on himself/us.

friendship and rebuilding a relationship (if you mean a romantic one) are likely to be two different things.

im friends with most of my exes. we arent close. there are no expectations. there isnt any sort of relationship maintenance from either of us. we just connect from time to time and are friendly.

if a friendship is what youre after, then i think thats a realistic picture of what to expect and how to treat it. that would not necessarily have to do with therapy or twelve step programs; just enjoying the positive interactions with friendship boundaries.

i get the sense that while you are done with this iteration of the relationship, a part of you would ideally like to explore a new one, taking it slowly with friendship, and moving forward from there as trust is established.

thats a longer game, but its a possibility. if that is the direction youd like to go, i encourage you to explore it on the Saving board, and learn the skills and tools taught there.

Mine came back with the promise, did start therapy, but stopped after a few sessions. He was oh-so-lovely for about six months after reconciling. Now it is back to the same hell.
I think for him reconciling is like a new relationship. It goes through the same cycle. Honeymoon phase when I mistakenly relaxed and started enjoying my marriage only to wake up to the harsh reality after a few months.

Good luck, I hope yours follows through.

Hi Angel,

I am wondering the same thing about my recently diagnosed BPDexGF @ 29 y/o. Her therapy is positive because it actually made her aware of the splitting, etc. I am curious if she will sustain therapy and it will likely be one of my contingencies for agreeing to reconcile. Although I am chasing her a bit more these days.

The one variable about therapy is how these people can distort their reality, so because of that it can often be going through the motions BPD can't identity reality some times. For example, my gf calls me up and says my therapist says you are a narcissist. My response should have been, "interesting, I suppose I could benefit from therapy" instead I justify, argue, defend, explain. Aka Jade.

It's a long, bumpy road even under the best of circumstances, hang in there. I must be a glutton for punishment.