BPDFamily.com

Hi all, it's kells76 back after a while. Thanks for still being here!

Short story is that with a detailed PP from last fall and, even more, a counselor for SD11 & SD9 who really gets the family dynamics, things have been going pretty OK (compared to how it had been). Mom & Stepdad are making an effort to be positive about Dad in front of the kids, and counselor is working with all of us to shake up some of the roles we'd been cast in/accepted/had forced on us. SD11 especially is a LOT warmer and more affectionate with DH, who is empowered to actually parent with loving boundaries. So, a lot of good stuff.

Still some of the same issues, though, and even though I can almost answer my own question, I'd like to get some feedback from you guys about this situation.

Mom & I worked together to get SD9 in an activity this past spring. Went pretty well, I have an email chain divvying up responsibilites (i.e. Mom & Stepdad pay long term tuition, DH & I pay first month's tuition plus misc fees, we all take care of uniform costs).

I get billing statements and emails from admin, and they're sometimes late paying. This time, if they don't pay by Friday, SD9 is dropped from her activity.

So... .I'm not super interested in bailing out Mom; she & Stepdad are adults who should be able to figure this out. It's not an expensive activity.

I am worried about potential impact on SD9 -- trying to think of this situation from a "what's best for the kids" angle. SD9 sometimes gets lost in the shuffle (SD11 can be intense & highly anxious, plus they have a younger sibling at Mom's house) and I'm concerned that the dynamic would be "we have to make sure everything is OK for SD11, but it doesn't really matter if SD9 gets to do what she wants" (or something).

I know it's not Friday yet, too, so maybe I'm just worrying in advance... .

Any thoughts on this? I'm not sure if this is worth bringing up "early". Communication with Mom has been going OK -- i.e. I'm pretty sure we could pitch the idea of subtracting this amount from the CS we pay her for one month, and she wouldn't explode (like she might have in the past), but she probably wouldn't want to go for it.

It almost sounds like I shouldn't even be posting here, you know? Like, THIS is the worst issue right now? Just kidding  :) , mostly I'm grateful that things are going well, but this is still a little tricky for me. Thanks again.

I have posted here about SD20 hugging her dad too much, so in my experience, there is no issue is too small for these boards    :)

First, that's great news things are moving forward with minimal conflict. What a relief! And it's wonderful that SD11 is able to be warm and affectionate with her dad.

It seems like you have a couple of options. Maybe three?

One is to haggle with admin, toward whatever goal you think is best (like extending the deadline, or writing a reminder email to mom). I had to do this with after school care and a few camps, and found people to be very accommodating when I explained there was a divorce involved and the things that can go with that.

The other is to do as you suggested, and subtract the amount from CS. How you phrase that particular email will probably make all the difference. "Hey other mom, I got a message from admin about dropping SD9 and thought oh no! You and I put a lot of money and effort into coordinating this, so I hope it's ok we used some of the CS to pay it down. That way SD9 wouldn't get removed from the program. If they missed a payment, let me know and we'll just add the CS amount back to the check coming shortly." Or something like that?

Last option, if this happens all the time, and is a chronic source of worry, and is likely to keep happening, is to let things go. One thing I've learned through all the BPD drama is that my kid mostly needed helping handling disappointments. I kept solving all his problems and that undermined his own ability to deal with reality. Also, having this kerfuffle blow up will make it easier to avoid setting up the same arrangement next time -- you can suggest that she pay for one activity in totality and you and H will pick up the second activity, or something like that. Push it toward a more parallel experience so you aren't in a position to solve what is essentially her problem (though I know it's heart breaking to see the kids affected  ).

It took my SO a while and a lot of drama but we eventually realized that lnl's third option is the best place for us to go when we get in these types of situations.  His daughters' uBPDmom is an adult it is up to her to hold up her end of a bargain.  If she doesn't it's on her and yes unfortunately her daughters have had to learn some things the hard way, but so has mom D21 is essentially no contact at this point.

We take ourselves off the drama triangle and it is up to mom to work it out with her daughters or whoever is being paid.  D16 just got burned last week by her mom's promise to buy her a dress for homecoming, that of course didn't happen.  D16 took some of her savings and bought her own dress.  It's sad because D16 keeps giving her mom chances to be a "good mom" (keeps hoping she will be the mom she needs) but mom inevitably fails... .usually around money and things. 

Panda39

Thanks LnL & panda, nice to hear from you guys :)

Yeah, those are basically the 3 kid-related conflict resolution options in a nutshell, huh... .1. Solve it in parallel, 2. Make a decision and inform, or 3. Not my circus, not my monkeys... .

I emailed the activity admin & said here's some background, Mom & Stepdad agreed to pay tuition while DH & I agreed to pay misc fees, sorry it's a hassle and thanks for your patience. I wrote it as if Mom would see it, because who knows if it'd get forwarded or not. DH was in the same position of not wanting to bail out Mom, so that was good. We ended up deciding to give Mom the CS check a couple days early. Then it's still up to her what she does with the $ & when.

Thanks again for the feedback. I think of this board like we're all in this weird secret club to deal with particularly difficult people, and while most of these problems might seem like no big deal to people outside the club (hugs? paying for an activity?), we all know why it's 1000x more difficult to solve these problems... .

The fact you are able to cooperate to the extent that you are is great.

And the way you handled the activity issue seems downright classy  *)

I think it's good that you threw the ball back into her court without drama.  Very Switzerland of you  :)

My ex was OK with me subtracting her half of D5's pre-k tuition last year (~$4k) from the CS checks. I had the fees charged to my CC each month.  Floating this option might be feasible in the future. 

Now I'm dealing with my ex owing me almost $1k by the end of this month for co-pays for S7's ABA therapy... .and the provider wants to do another 6 months.  I'd rather her just write me a check,  but she has to pay off the San Diego trip she just took with the kids (Zoo, Legoland, Sea World, and airfare). She took them to Disneyland last October,  so it's not like the kids are neglected. Therapy (which she pushed) or vacations? Gotta love those priorities. It's frustrating to deal with others who miss financial deadlines or appointments.

If she balks on this one,  I won't pay for D5's ballet this year,  my half, but I still feel that this might be punishing our daughter,  like if mom mentions it.  I agree with keeping the kids out of these things.  It's hard enough for kids to deal with a split family,  much less a BPD parent.

Thanks Turkish & LnL, I appreciate the feedback. It's helpful to hear different perspectives on the actions I take, so I can learn if I'm missing something or not seeing something I should be. And, maybe others on the boards can learn from what's going on in our situation -- that there are more ways to resolve issues than might be immediately apparent.

Yeah, Turkish, it's a similar situation with SD11's activity, too. She's been done with Major Time Investment (20hrs/wk) activity for about a year now (YAAAAYYY!) and recently started Low Time Investment (1hr/wk) activity at a place where DH does the same thing. She really excelled in the tryout class, but Mom was reticent to pay for more than 1 month, and that looked like the sticking point. DH finally just added SD11 to his account and asked if Mom would reimburse. I think they did once but I've adjusted my expectations right down to zero. If they reimburse at all again it'll be exceeding my expectations and a nice thing. If they don't reimburse us then they are just meeting my expectations.

I can relate to your frustration with dealing with others who seem less financially responsible, especially when it impacts us and the kids. (start rant) I feel like... .I don't even know where to start. I think I resent feeling like I'm in the position that I need to bail someone else out because of their irresponsibility. I feel like DH & I have busted our butts trying to stay financially afloat and not go in debt -- i.e. selling our things to secondhand stores, returning cans & bottles, not buying clothes (yes, I've made underwear for us to save money   ). Then I hear about how at Mom's house they go out for dinner a bunch but also get the freakin' food bank boxes. SD11's new school has a student-use food supply area if they don't have enough for lunch, and it turns out SD11 has been using it, so DH bought groceries for Mom.

IDK... .part of me can let go of all that stuff. As long as the kids are taken care of, that's what matters. Plus, it's kind of funny in a way, now all of a sudden it's DH who gets to be the "hero" and "good guy" taking care of the kids. Wow, you mean he's not a horrible father who just cares about himself? So in the sense that these circumstances upend the previous narrative coming from Mom & Stepdad, that's a win.

And it must be a sad life for Mom to tell herself that she's poor (food boxes) but have to not look at these other things she does that don't fit that picture (buying new clothes, going out to eat). I don't envy those mental gymnastics.

I can let go of all that and try to focus on how I'm doing. I.e., is there some narrative I'm telling myself that isn't all true (like "oh, I'm a hardworking hero all the time, and Mom is a lazy loser"? Then I need to work on that. I need to remember that we're not rich, but honestly we're not that bad off (despite some INTENSE penny pinching). And if we value what's true and can face reality, then we're definitely not poor :)

(end rant) Thanks again you guys. It's nice to be back here.