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last weekend was a stressful time for millions of people. i was one of the households that was impacted by the massive hurricane that Was on every news channel.
when we realized that preparations for a natural disaster were required- everything went into disarray with my SOwBPD. she went overboard buying things and making lists etc. I felt like I was constantly trying to catch up with her Machine like pace. I felt very appreciative of what she was doing. But I started getting raged at for not doing enough to pull my weight.
when the storm looked like it was headed straight towards where we live, I naturally had a lot of anxiety. when I shared my feelings with my SO, I got yelled at for putting that burden on her- especially because I was "doing nothing substantial" to help. I was at a loss because she would do everything first. when she would ask for help (like boarding up our house), i would "move too slow" or "make things 10 times harder". she said that I would be the reason if all of us died.
we were extremely lucky that the storm didn't hit us directly, we didn't get any flooding or wind damage. we did lose electricity for 5 days.
the loss of power got my SO extremely irritable and i felt bashed in waves.
she said that this experience was a defining moment of our relationship: I would sit around and let her do everything treat her like a slave not be a partner.
I did not feel like I had a partner either. And I felt like I was not allowed the right to ask for what I needed. I felt verbally and emotionally abused and couldn't even leave the house.
The days since the storm passed have also been stressful. my SO has had such a short fuse if anything was out of place or if i did not complete chores when she expected them. Just a few minutes ago, she got angry because I chose to give the dog affection, did not start the dishwasher and did not start the dryer. she left the house and I'm now just sitting here.
I feel so worn out. I'm not sure what I'm asking for here- I just wanted to let this out.
Thanks

I am glad you are safe! 

Wish I had some wisdom to offer, but I had the exact opposite experience here in Houston during Harvey. My BPDbf was the calmest and happiest I've seen him all year! He didn't complain once. He was out there rescuing people on boats - So helpful to those he saved and so polite and sweet when he came home! Super attentive, kind, thoughtful, reassuring.

Now that the storm has passed is another story. I think he misses the chaos...

Letloverule,

*welcome*

I'm glad to hear that your safe and that must of been a very scary ordeal to go through, hopefully once in a lifetime.


It would be interesting to talk about that in therapy, I'm not suggested that you go, how is a natural disaster a defining moment in a r/s? It's an extremely stressful experience to go through and stress / anxiety makes the BPD symptoms worse, unfortunately you had more stress on top of an emotionally distressing experience.

Thanks for sharing with us, it helps to talk.

Hi Letloverule,

So glad you are safe!

I think of chaotic situations the same way I think of holidays for pwBPD. They are times when they are out of control of things. With a hurricane, she may have been very scared. Her way of coping was to begin frantically and quickly begin preparing.

I'd suggest that although your partner is pointing at your behavior, you might try looking at what her behavior is telling you about how she feels and then validate those feelings and then pointing out some truths to her.

For example next time she brings up your "Lack of helping" the convo could go something like this:

"I'm sorry that you were so worried about the hurricane causing us harm. It was very scary and I was scared too. Thank you so much for handling so much of the preparation. I hope you know that our family's safety is very important to me too. Maybe we could begin preparing for next time by making a list of what needs done and dividing up who will do what so we can both equally help with preparation?"

Or something like that. The main point is to validate, show her that you see what she did, and then make a plan for going forward. Can you try practicing a conversation here:

To help you here is a link to our workshop on  validating.  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating)