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Just joining the board, I'm immersed in a lot of extreme emotions often from my wife (perhaps half of my days), has been going on for about 4 years.

I've already pretty much given up all of my friends and hobbies, as there is no room for them in my life most of the time (this has been discussed with her and we want to change it... .but haven't got there yet).

In the last 6 months I've noticed myself developing more and more triggers, where I am now doing extreme things that I later hate myself for, as I can't find ways to cope when I am overwhelmed.  I am frequently quite exhausted and my work is starting to suffer.

Most of the time that I feel overwhelmed recently, I have tried to find a quiet space to calm down but she follows me and can't stop engaging with me (screaming, pounding on and pushing in doors I am behind, running down the street to chase me if I try to get out of the house, etc.)

Anyway, here I am.  I hope I can find something worthwhile here to improve the quality of life for me and my family (there is a child at home, about to be 4).

You have come to the right place, I have been here a few days and have already found a few supportive people who have reached out. I almost feel like I dont deserve the commendations after being told I am unworthy.

I know all to well losing friends and shutting them out and giving up hobbies to devote more time to my now ex wife. its what they do, alienate you until youre basically their zombie (kinda like what Dahmer would try to do).

What are the things your doing that you have a hard time with?

hi BPD_Anon, id like to join Ironman85 and say *welcome*


i know the feeling. taking a time out when arguments are getting carried away is often a good idea; there were a lot of times when i knew my partner and i were at the end of our rope and only making things worse, and id exit the conversation, and shed run out of steam, wed both get back to baseline and then talk productively. sometimes this was impossible, either because id act on my triggers, or she would escalate. sometimes it just made her feel shutdown, and as a consequence, worse.

there is a lot to be learned from the lessons directly to the right of the board on this matter. there is a line that is necessary to walk between taking a time out when necessary, using the communication tools to head off a fight, understanding your partner and why she reacts the way she does, and in particular, you will learn about extinction bursts: sometimes our reactions to conflict, long term, are a good strategy, but our partners tend to react strongly to newly implemented methods and up the ante in the short term.


what has prompted this? is it the amount of time devoted to your relationship, pressure from your wife, depression, a combination, none of the above?

Hello BPD_Anon,

Welcome to bpdfamily, I think all of us can share loosing ourselves against the extreme types of behaviours you describe from your wife.

Finding a space for yourself to reduce your feelings of being triggered is crucial to improving your emotional well-being. We can help you with that here, sometimes though when we change what we do in order to protect ourselves from conflict the behaviours from our SO can worsen.

I'm aware of the fact that you have a three year old at home, how do your wife's extreme emotional outbursts effect her ability to parent? How is your child in all of this?

What extreme things have you find yourself doing in response to your wife's behaviours?