BPDFamily.com

My elderly BPD mother committed suicide last Thursday.  Just wondering if anyone else has been through similar and wants to share thoughts/experiences.  How did you process/get through it?

Hi Drained Daughter,

That is very sad and horrible news. She had BPD but she was of course still your mother and losing a close family-member in such a tragic manner isn't easy. She has made suicide attempts before and this time unfortunately she did end up taking her own life.

We do have some information about dealing with suicide loss that you might find helpful:
Recovering from suicide loss (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/Recovery_suicide_loss.pdf)

I know you had a very difficult relationship with your mother as result of her BPD behaviors. How was your relationship with her these last few years?

Take care as you try to process this and come to terms with your mother's suicide and also your lifetime of experiences dealing with a BPD mom. I am glad you came back here to seek support

I am sorry for your loss.

I don't share your experience recently but my mother made an unsuccessful suicide attempt when I was a child. The memory is fuzzy. I actually forgot about it and it came back to me several years ago. It seems dream like- I was not sure it happened. I have a sibling who recalls it in detail and other relatives confirmed it happened to me.

It was never discussed, became one of many behaviors that got swept under the rug and we pretended didn't happen. We kids were sent to stay with a relative until things settled down- we just thought we were going to have a fun time with cousins. We returned home and my parents acted like it didn't happen and we continued to live in the illusion that my mother is fine.

All I can say to you is that what your mother did had nothing to do with you. You were not the cause of her feelings or her actions. Mental illness can be a sad and difficult thing and there may be no explanation for her actions. Take care of yourself through this difficult time.

I am so sorry to hear that. I'm glad you reached out to post here -- I haven't had that terrible experience myself, but there are members here who can relate.

I don't want you to be alone at a time like this. Do you have family or friends around for support? We might be able to suggest some resources if you need them.

Drained Daughter, I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how much pain you must be in.

Take care of yourself. Like others, I hope you have friends and family who'll support you now. Might you consider a suicide survivors support group?

Hugs and best wishes.
 

You have my sympathies too  

This must be such a shock.  How are you doing?  If you need to talk you will find many willing members here  |iiii

Panda39

Thank you all for the kind responses.  I value the support of this site so much.  I have very supportive family, who understand her issues well, which is a blessing.

She has made many, many attempts over her life, including several where she called me or my sister to tell us it was our fault before she made the attempt.  As a result we became pretty hardened to her suicidality.  We were both very low/no contact with her for the last year. And while I think this may have contributed to her final attempt,  I also feel that we all did the best we could to love and support her and that you can’t prevent someone from killing them self.

It is still just very sad.  I wish we could have helped her find more happiness but very many people tried.  You really can’t fix them.

The timing is just strangely poignant.  I just gave birth to my first child a month  ago.  It is an incredible joy to have my new daughter, but very strange to become a new mother while grieving the loss of my own.  I find myself remembering the good things about her (from when I was a young child) and re grieving the loss of that part of her.

I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you’re going through

That is indeed a very signficant timing in a way since you have just become a mother yourself.

It is very sad indeed that your mother had these severe problems and was not able to find a better way of dealing with her difficult thoughts and emotions. Ultimately, though things might trigger her, the decision to take her own life was 100% her own. Unfortunately that 100% was significantly influenced and distorted by her BPD.


I am glad that you also do have good memories of your mother. Those memories are things you can cherish now as little loving mental pictures from days long gone by. Though her BPD was very dominant in her life, it was not all that defined her. It was a disorder and her final actions only signify even more just how much of a disorder. As you start this grieving and remembering process, it might also help to look at this thread:
Grieving our losses (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=292033.0)

I am verry sorry for your loss. You are not only grieving the loss of your mother now but also all the losses that came before during your life with her. Take care Drained Daughter and I would advise you to allow yourself to grieve and feel whatever it is you feel  

The Board Parrot

Oh my. That must feel strange—the joy mixed with grief. Drained Daughter, I'd like to join the other members and share my heartfelt condolences for your loss. I can fully understand remembering the good things and grieving that part of your relationship with your mother.   

I'm so glad that you have family members who understand and your daughter to care for
and shower your love on. We are here for you as you process this loss.

heartandwhole

This is a heavy burden to place upon anybody, perhaps the heaviest, DD... .to say that it is unfair is an understatement. We're here for you 

Turkish

Hey Drained Daughter, so sorry for your loss. My experience is a bit different, my BPD mother committed suicide when I was 12. Not sure which is tougher. After what she put me through it was honestly a huge load off for me, but still depressing and a huge loss nonetheless. It is still painful to think that my son will never know her, and she never got the opportunity to be happy for me or proud of me, or anything normal mothers do. Love & hugs!
~Charlie

Charlie,

That is awful, so sorry for your experience.  Going through this as a child would be so painful.  Thanks for sharing.

It definitely is a mix of sorrow and feeling like it is finally over and we are free of her crazy behavior.  But it does definitely drive home that our relationship will never be healthy, but honestly I knew intellectually that that was true even when she was alive.

I am so sorry for your loss, and I so admire that you are able to remember good things, and grieve for those parts of her.   You must have put so much energy into that relationship.  I hope your family and new daughter help you to heal.

How are you doing DD?

Turkish,

Doing pretty well, thanks for checking on me.

Had a few rough days but the baby keeps me pretty busy and focused on life affirming things. 

Unfortunately, I broke my foot last weekend! So now I’m also focused on that recovery.  Sigh!  Thank god my awesome husband is home on parental leave too or there is now way I’d survive this. 

Baby is still great, just didn’t need so many extra challenges!

You’re right DrainedDaughter, even though we knew intellectually there was almost zero chance of them ever getting better... .Still suicide removes that last little sliver of hope. To me it is the last selfish act of a very sick and disordered person.

Sorry about the broken foot! It's good that you and your primary family are there for each other