BPDFamily.com

Hi. I just happen to come across this site because I've been reading about BPD. My ex-boyfriend and I (still hard to believe he's my ex) have been talking to a therapist for a few weeks and it wasn't until our last big fight that I decided to go talk to her alone. She said, based on conversations with him during our sessions and my description of some of our fights, she thinks he has BPD. I'm heart-broken, and not sure what to do... .like should I tell him that he needs help? Should I contact his ex-wife (who's a psychotherapist) to ask her if she observed any traits that might fall under this umbrella?Our last fight was about something really benign, but we were already broken... .and it was a perfect excuse for him to pack up his things and leave again... .mind you, this was the 3rd time he left our apartment the past 2 months and I'm determined that it will be his last and final time because I can't handle how unstable we are as a couple (we were also trying to conceive... .that's another story in itself) and his financial irresponsibility made me feel like I'm literally the cash cow... .I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get from posting... .but I guess I need some affirmation that what I'm feeling is normal and that I'm not heartless and cruel like he's been accusing me... .

No, you are not heartless and cruel. The things he says, or does. The way he makes you feel. That is his problem not yours.

Diagnosed BPD or not doesn't matter. It is obvious the way he is treating you is not okay and you know that otherwise you would not be here.

You have to protect yourself, physically and mentally. Set some good boundaries. Stop being a cash cow. Stop being a punching bag.
If you tell him he needs help it will just make things worse. Contacting his ex will just make things worse. Anything you do he will see as you attacking him.

You are doing good at standing up for yourself if he has walked out. So don't stop. He needs to treat you right or move on.

It is not you. You are not crazy. Sure, maybe there are things you can do differently, but do you want the relationship?
Even if he never gets treatment?
You have to decide if you are prepared to live with the worst case scenario. Does the good out weigh the bad.
Did therapy help the two of you at all?

Hisaccount, thank you for the reply. I am a sucker and he guilt me into taking him back. I even went as far as changing the locks and the other day, I just gave him the keys again. I now find myself questioning everything he says or does and feeling guilty for wondering if I'm doing more harm to him by enabling him to continue to lie to me.

Thank you for saying that it's not my problem. Deep down I know it isn't... .this is something I know I need to work on... .no I don't want to live like this... .I can't live like this.

Yes the therapy sessions did help the two of us... .but it was obvious to the therapist that I was unhappy. She said I looked as if I was abused emotionally and mentally because my posture changed so much since she last saw me 9 months ago.

You are right... .it's a mistake to contact his ex wife... .regardless of what I do... .I'm going to come out as the bad person. I even thought about contacting his best friend, but I'm sure that will also be a mistake because the chance of him telling everyone of his friends I'm crazy and cruel is pretty high up there.

Thank you so much for your response and reply. I find it so helpful to read all these forums... .to help me figure out my next move... .and to keep my eyes on what my dreams are before he and I met. 

He took my car again yesterday... .and left again in less than a week after he returned. He went from saying he wasn't teaching to him having to teach 2 classes in the morning so that in order to make coming back to the burbs quicker, he would need my car. I told him in that case then we should go see the therapist together later that evening. He told me he would. Then the afternoon rolls in... .I texted him to let him know that the therapist is open to seeing us both... .I heard nothing from him til after 4:00. He sent me a text saying how much he loves me and have always loved me, but felt betrayed by me... .that I had lied about my whereabouts the night before amongst other things... .I did lied and I didn't feel good about sneaking behind his back either... .I felt crazy guilty about it. I went to meet with the fertility doctor without him and left work early with my best friend who was there to give me moral support (mind you before I met him, I was already determined to conceive through a donor). I don't know if my phone was bugged or what... .or if he was just paranoid... .but he left again saying that he found out I lied to him and that he couldn't take it anymore... .this time reminding me that he only have $25 and nowhere else to go (again). I blocked his phone from calling me and I am taking this as a blessing in disguise because I have been on a guilt trip about taking him back and allowing him to fabricate these stories and lies. I felt as if my fear of not wanting to rock the boat out of respect for him and his dignity was making me an enabler and that I was leading him to believe that we might have a future together when in reality I'm taking him back because I want to give him some sense of stability and hoping that maybe he'll be able to start saving money and move out on his while I was physically and emotionally tormented with guilt and anxiety. I love him and love him so so much... .but in my heart, self preservation is what I know I need do. I am hoping that he is okay... .and that perhaps this is the end of us once and for all.