BPDFamily.com

I am becoming more and more depressed and unable to cope with my everyday reality.  My uBPD husband is depressed, angry, lonely but refuses to go to therapy or even talk about his problems with anyone but me.

He is retired and I am still working.  He is usually resentful when I go anywhere after work because he will be alone.  He is angry at just about everyone in his life, including me.  

On Thursday of last week I was required to work until 5:40 and when I got
Home he was so upset.  He claims I don't care about him.  

I am almost always home unless I am working or visiting my mom who is in a nursing home.  I try to visit her every other day for and hour or so instead of each day.

By the time the weekend rolls around he is so worked up and angry that we usually are at home together alternately attempting to converse or avoiding each other.

Saturday night he was very upset because we never go anywhere together and he says He has given up all his friends because of me.  This is completely bogus.  Then he noticed that a patch of my hair has fallen out due to a hair
Loss condition from stress.  He said "you need to stop holding everything in and take responsibility for your stress, You look like a diseased rat."  And the next day he was surprised when I didn't buy him lunch on the way home from visiting my mom.  That made me selfish and all about me, of course nothing is about him he claims.

I don't have a question and I know this is rambling, but I have nobody else to vent this to.  I don't think I can take the strsss and anger from him much longer.

I feel really frustrated because I cannot get on top of these problems and somehow overcome them.

And now I have to go to work after getting only a few hours sleep and feeling upset instead of recharged after the weekend.

There is so much more I could add... .thanks for listening.

Hi Mustbeabetterway,

I am sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I can relate to many things you say. My partner went through a long stretch with depression a couple of years ago and it was a very difficult time. You seem to function as your husband's sort of freelance therapist, eh? He comes to you and only you with all his problems? That can be a very heavy load.

Sounds like retirement isn't sitting well with him. Do you think he can find a way to engage with the community where you live in some way or he is more a sit at home kinda guy? Is he pretty low-functioning because of the depression? Would he ever go along to the care facility with you to talk to others or just sit with them?

My grandfather is in a care facility and I find that there are many people there who like visitors. People are always saying hi and the days can be lonely there. Would your husband ever just want to tag along and have some coffee there? Nothing formal, but inevitably if he goes he'd strike up conversations. I always do, and I have to admit I love it, but that just might be me, one of my dream jobs. :)

I am sorry he is saying not nice and unsupportive things. I was just listening to a helpful video here on Anger, but I think it applies to other things as well - not taking on all that others say to us. You have a lot on your plate and it seems like some self-care would be a good start to help you recharge. Would having a weekly set time you do something with him help with this "you don't love me" issue? Perhaps he could get some attention and you have something to point to that clearly shows love?

My undiagnosed partner with BPD traits can be a bit draining at times for me too. He doesn't keep up with his friends and has had some friendships fall apart so he is very attached to me for... .everything. I want to be in contact others to keep my life more full, interesting and new, not just have my life be about him. With his level of attachment it is hard to balance my own needs at times.

Is there any new hobby you might be able to get him interested in at home? Something that he could get a little lost in, some kind of tinkering or doing art of some kind? I'm lucky in way my fella can hyperfocus on whatever projects he works on on his computer and I can get some breaks.

Take some time to look at the skills on the right. One thing I've learned is not to give in to any insults or hurtful, unproductive things. He can say you don't love him, but don't argue over that. It's not true or you wouldn't be here trying. :) Nevertheless, see if there are ways you can increase the love between you - but in ways you can both enjoy. I wonder if even just having a set time that you both go for a walk together, if that is possible, could give him a routine, something to look forward to? I know with my partner he needs me to give him time. He really doesn't like to do anything alone, even if he is working on his computer he likes me near me.

So, here is that video on "Anger Management for Everyone" on the Learning Center board. It is more than just about anger, it is about how we take in what others say about it us and how to let that go. He has a pleasant voice and I think he will give you a nice uplift against the mean things you are hearing. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304173.0

You raise many issues, and there is a lot going on here, but keep your head up. You'd be surprised how much just working on yourself a bit could change/improve the whole dynamic at home. Or at least make you feel a bit better!

I hope others join us on this thread because I am sure they have ideas and other tips for us! :) I sure need them myself!

Hi Pearlsw,

Thanks for your reply.  When I was out of town in the summer, he went to visit Mom every other day and took her a nutritional shake and did her laundry .  I think he enjoyed it, but now will not go back. I always ask if he wants to come with me, but no.  I have asked him to look in on her sometimes when I am at work, but will not do it.  If it were an emergency , he would do it I know. 

He has a hobby and as you say about your husband, he is really focused.  Most of the day he stays busy, but alone.  He cannot wait until I get home.  He has such high expectations for seeing me and it seems I always fall short.  I say the wrong thing, don't say the right thing, I'm hungry or not hungry. Tired and want to relax  or want to exercise.

I am not perfect.  I used to expect myself to be, but now I'm am more forgiving of my mistakes.  It's difficult to let go and just accept yourself for who you really are - flaws and all.  And I think it is doubly hard when you live with a critical person.


I read recently How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It and I have to say it had some helpful ideas.  I was able to see that instead of apologizing for name calling, that he did something for me like coffee in bed, or packing my lunch.  This made it easier to forgive the offense.  I was also trying to rekindle our connection with hugs as the book suggested.  It was successful for a while, but when he gets offended or angry forget it - name calling, throwing things, sulking.  I have practiced not making it worse by quickly exiting to take a walk or remove myself temporarily.  This works, but honestly I am tired of starting over all the time.  The name calling, cursing, and put downs take their toll over time.  Even if you know it's not true.

However, one of the  biggest problems  is that he feels slighted by me and by just about everyone else.  He frequently brings up events where I hurt his feelings or broke his trust.  I didn't set out to hurt his feelings, but he was hurt and cannot get over it.  Things that I can do nothing about from years ago. 

I guess there are so many tools needed that I am weary and hurt and frustrated
How many times can you hear "I want you out of my life". Or "You are a selfish b***" before you call it quits? 

I don't really want to leave but think I have to be willing to.  We have been married over 30 years.  I love him, but it is a crazy relationship. 

Hey Mustbe,  Isolating yourself in this way can lead to problems.  Suggest you make plans to do things on your own if your H prefers to stay at home.  In my view, It's not healthy for you to have someone so dependent on you, nor is it good for him.  He's an adult and can take care of himself if you elect to do something after work.

LuckyJim

Hi Lucky Jim,

You are right, it is unhealthy.  I am making progress though.  We were invited out to dinner this weekend.  I was prepared to go with or without.  He agreed to go.  Also, I have made plans to visit an out of town friend next month. 

I have never liked confrontation and that is part of the problem.  I hate to tell someone something they don’t want to hear.  It’s very difficult for me.  On the other hand, doing something I want to do should not cause a confrontation, should it?

So slow but certain progress.  When I wrote the post,  I was having a bad couple of days and just really needed to talk about it and get some support. 

Thanks as usual for your advice and support.

Mustbe

Hey Mustbe, Right, you nailed the issue.  No, being authentic need not cause a confrontation.  I suffered from the same fear of confrontation and need to please others.  Yet I did so at the expense of my self.  It's OK to say No.  There's a book out there called "Why do I feel guilty when I say No" or some similar title, which might be worth exploring.  My marriage to a pwBPD forced me to confront my fear of confrontation.  Boy, did I confront it!  Now I can say No with confidence.  You can do it, too!

LuckyJim

Hi LJ,

Thanks for the book suggestion.  I will definitely check it out.  

We did go out to dinner on Friday and it went reasonably well.  Then on Saturday I watched the MLB division  finals by myself, but that was ok.  I love baseball!

On Sunday, I went shopping with daughter and granddaughter.  Husband texted that it was BS that I was gone on a Sunday afternoon.  But, you know what?  I just ignored the text and my little twinge of panic/guit that the text evoked. I went ahead and enjoyed being with them.  When I got home the world had not ended.

Trying to keep true to my values and be authentic.  I hope you are doing well and things are good in your world.

  

Must be

Keep up the good work, Mustbe!

Let me relate a quick story.  One Saturday I wanted to go to a college football game with some old roommates.  My BPDxW came up with a long list of reasons why it wasn't possible.  I said, "Well, I'm going anyway."  Then she came up with more obstacles to prevent me from attending.  Finally, I said, "Look, I don't care if I have to hitchhike, I am going to that game!"  Next thing you know, she said what about me and the kids?  I said, "you are welcome to come," and pretty soon we were all on our way to the football game!

Maybe that story is a little off because I caved in to my Ex's fear of abandonment by including her and the kids.  On the other hand, it made for a fun family outing with our kids, who enjoyed the whole college scene and the ice cream afterwards.

My point is that you have to be willing to push the envelope sometimes in order to get past the BPD resistance to your priorities, such as shopping with your daughter and granddaughter.  Kudos to you for ignoring that text!

LJ

Hey LJ,  thanks for sharing, that’s a great story!  I don’t think you caved.  You compromised and that is a good thing.  Now you have a happy memory and a good story.

I see that the more I face my fear of “what if?”  the better I become at accepting the outcome.

Take care - thanks for your response.

Mustbe

Hey Mustbe, You're welcome!  These days I work at letting go of outcomes.  It used to drive me crazy when my kids declined to respond to my email or voicemail messages.  Now I let go of the outcome.  Reaching out is an expression of my love, which doesn't require an answer from them to be valid and complete on its own.

LJ

Hi Lucky Jim, I like how you say “reaching out is an expression of your love”.  A long time ago, I learned in my religion that what you offer is on you and how it is received is on the other person.

If we act out of an open heart, then we have a good outcome already!

Because of the way my husband was raised, he has trust issues.  He is always thinking I am trying to get to him.  After all these years - just frustrating.  He has been angry and feeling neglected all week.  It’s like if he is upset, he wants to punish me by not talking, being snarky, etc.  This morning, he was giving me the cold shoulder.  I can tell he wants to reach out to me, but he doesn’t trust.  Before I left, I said,  give me a hug.  He looked puzzled because he was intent on keeping the drama going.  But I said, seriously I love you and you love me so just hug me.  It was a nice hug and I could feel his relief. 

I need to focus on living my values and not getting caught up in the petty drama.

Whatever the state of our relationship, I have the need to be true to myself. 

I like how you put that, Mustbe, because there's something liberating about being true to one's core.  Like you, I strive to be authentic nowadays, after years of pretending that things were OK my marriage to a pwBPD when things were definitely not OK.  Being true to myself makes life easier!

LuckyJim

An update on the fear of being alone issues.  My husband and I had a very nice weekend.  We were together most of the weekend, not every minute, but large chunks of it and got along well for the most part.

On Monday after work, I had a hair appt.  of course, husband doesn’t like for me to be gone after work since he is alone during the day.  On Tuesday after work I stopped at the nursing home to visit my mom and I still got home by 5:30 which isn’t too late in my opinion.  For several weeks, I have had plans to meet two girlfriends for dinner after work today.  Part of me is trying to feel guilty for being gone.  However, I don’t think

The last part got cut off -

However, I don’t think I should feel guilty about maintaining relationships with friends, visiting my mom in the nursing home or having a periodic hair appointment.

I think I am feeling FOG.  Fear of being unreasonable, I struggle with this.  Obligated to our marriage, and guilty when he is disappointed, unhappy

How do you strike a balance between spending time with your PWBPD and maintaining friendships, family ties and other responsibilities? 

Hello and happy Saturday to all.  After a successful week of striking a balance, I am providing an update and answering my own question.

I will address previously mentioned items associated with FOG one by one.

F - My fear of being unreasonable.  I am not an unreasonable person.  Evidenced by my ability to reach agreements at work and with friends.  I am a moderate thinker and not given to extremes.  Therefore, my fear is not reasonable.

O - obligated to our marriage, of course I am obligated, it's the nature of the marriage contract.  However, I am not obliged to give in to all demands.

G - my guilt at his unhappiness is brought on by his complaining, threatening, tantrum throwing behavior.  I am resolved to not give in to these behaviors (see O from above)

More later... .