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Title: Ultimatum in trying to defend myself Post by: truthbeknown on October 20, 2017, 08:56:08 AM I was posting in the breakup board and it was suggested to come to the learning center for more info.
my question is about boundaries: I think i may have used an ultimatum in trying to defend myself when my NPD/BPD girlfriend started talking about wanting to be free to date others after a beautiful week together and being intimate sexually. Once I got triggered by her statements and by her trying to push me away over the phone rather then talk in person- I replied, " listen it sounds like you and I want different things. I want to be with you and you keep talking about wanting to be with others and not be in a committed relationship. I'm okay with that but I'm not okay with you sleeping with me and then telling me that right after. So I'm going to give you what you want- i'm not going to contact you because it is too hard for me to want to be with you and hear that you want others. However, i will be open to you contacting me if you should decide that you would like to re-engage in discussions about "us" and moving forward in that way." We had had multiple conversations previous to this about how she pushed her ex husband away and how he talked to her about persuer/distancer relationship with her. She even told me that when i want her then she doesn't want me and visa versa. I thought i needed this boundary but I don't know if I handled it properly. In the moment i get emotionally flooded to by her rejection so although i stayed calm; i might not have been thinking clearly about how to handle it. Now i'm stuck in la la land with her and I we haven't had contact in 3 weeks. I talk about this on the break up post but wanted to address boundaries here so that i can learn. Title: Re: Ultimatum in trying to defend myself Post by: Skip on October 20, 2017, 09:11:33 AM We had had multiple conversations previous to this about how she pushed her ex husband away and how he talked to her about persuer/distancer relationship with her. She even told me that when i want her then she doesn't want me and visa versa. I thought i needed this boundary but I don't know if I handled it properly. In the moment i get emotionally flooded to by her rejection so although i stayed calm; i might not have been thinking clearly about how to handle it. Does this describe the situation? 1. GF has chronic attachment issues (persuer/distancer relationship) 2. GF says she wants to date you and others until she finds what she wants (helper breakup) 3. You said you don't want to be in a "helper breakup" relationship. Call me when/if you change your mind. 4. Silence. Helper breakup = supporting someone in a relationship while they look for someone better Title: Re: Ultimatum in trying to defend myself Post by: truthbeknown on October 20, 2017, 11:55:28 AM skip,
Yes I think that about sums it up? However, I was looking to see if the way i worded it or handled it was healthy. I know i still have work to do and even though this relationship is over- I hope to learn from it. |