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I"m feeling somewhat like the victim of a con game.   BPD friend will go into a silent rage, leaving me to guess what's wrong.   After much prodding through email, message, or phone, she will finally tell me what upset her - usually it's something related to her having misinterpreted a message from me and pretty much always related to some other crisis that has nothing to do with me.   For example, she gets kicked out of her house by her mom, big crisis, she's homeless, etc.    Turns out her anger towards me is because of the way I responded to one of her complaints about her mom --- I'm like "ok, I'm sorry" and really try to understand what triggered the anger towards me - and the more I try to really hear what's upsetting her  - the more obscure it becomes - given the exchange is all via text message - there exists a complete word-by-word record of the conversation.   Thus any attempt on her part to change the facts fails - leaving her with more and more obscure explanations as why she became angry.   Except now she's even angrier, feeling put on the spot to justify anger that has no real "reason" behind it.     Fast forward, now she's back in mom's house, everything with mom is hunky dory - and I'm the villain - this occurs to me as total and completely unfair - like her "mom issue" had zero to do with me in the first place - and I call her on it.    She responds by turning me into some sort of predator with her the innocent victim - mom is alerted - I'm found guilty of boundary violations, harassment, vaguely threatening her, it goes on and on.   So basically first she gets to be victim with her mom being the villain, and I'm the rescuer - and then a few days later - she's again the victim, this time I'm the evil villain, and mom rushes to save her innocent daughter from a fate worse than death - mainly taking ownership in why she became angry.   So I guess my question is this - was her initial anger real in the first place, or is the whole thing simply fabricated with the intent of baiting me into a state of confusion so that she can pounce - using my attempting to detangle as evidence of her "boundaries being violated"?    It all feels like some sort of sick game - like nothing about her "anger" seems real in the first place.    Yeah, I know, what's the point of such a "friendship"?   There is none, and that's my own cross to bear - honestly she's just expert at creating crisis after crisis and I get sucked back in.    But I'm curious, is the anger even real?    Like is her internal experience "I'm mad at him" ?    Or is it more like "hmmm, this is fun - let's get him to try to contact me a few more times before denouncing him a bad person for not leaving me alone"?     I'm starting to believe she actually gets a kick out of it - but then I read up on this sort of thing and come to the conclusion that any pain a person like this causes another person is just the tip of an iceberg compared to how much pain they themselves are feeling inside.   And it's tough accepting that there is nothing I could ever do to make that pain better for her - despite wanting to try - it just seems to get worse and worse.

Hi CycleBreaker123,

I think by exploring some of the readings here you can start to sort things out and get a handle on the complexities of the issues you are facing with your friend. To the right hand side of the board here are Lessons on "Understanding your partner's behaviors" and "Understanding your role in the relationship." I am not sure you have access to the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" but it provides a lot of insights into the whys of the behavior of someone with BPD. As you begin to sort this out, you may find some of the Basic Tools mentioned on this site particularly helpful.

I think validation can be a tool that help you develop a healthier approach (for both of you) to the anger you are hearing. (see here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating) It takes time to learn it, to learn to listen for the emotions and respond to those, but it is worth the effort and will be useful for this or any relationship. There is also information on this site about the Karpman Drama Triangle which can help you sort of the dynamic with you, your friend, and your mom. (see here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0)

Wishing you peace!

I think its real anger but at times based entirely on flawed logic combined with emotional confusion.