BPDFamily.com

  The holidays are right upon us and often the stress and high emotions of the season can cause our pwBPD to begin to dysregulate more often.( I’m already seeing the stress building in my H with each new social engagement that gets put on the calendar). It’s important to begin planning responses for situations that may create tension not only for our pwBPD but also for you so that you can react calmly, in a way that supports your pwBPD, and does not make the situation worse.

1.   What is a scenario that you anticipate may cause your pwBPD to have difficulty?

2.   Which skill will you commit to practicing and using more during the holidays?

Boundaries and Values  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries)

 Validation  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating)

 SET  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict)

 D.E.A.R.M.A.N  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0)

 Don’t JADE  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0)

 Listen With Empathy  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy)

3.   How can you apply this communication tool to preparing yourself and your response for the anticipated difficult scenario?

@Tattered Heart,

Thank you for posting this, and listing links to these invaluable tools to help us provide support to our pw/BPD.

The holidays present an exceptional dynamic for many of us here, both with positive and negative personal effects on our relationships with our significant others whom may be either diagnosed, or undiagnosed with BPD, or else other forms of personality disorders.

If there is a possibility that we can identify, and even then prevent the possibility of conflict, we will all be able to enjoys our families, and as well get through the holiday season hopefully without any significant negative events in our relationships.

Again, thank you!

v/r Red5

Thanks for posting this. 

My stress levels are pretty bad right now, I just went to a support group for the first time since I started grappling with how hard my marriage to a pwBPD has been for me.  I tried to not talk about her.  I tried to just say I was depressed and have a lot of anxiety, but once I started opening up it was all about my W.  I only talked about it for like 2 mins but I am still shaking now, 2 hours later.  I came home and I couldn't interact with my W.  I was in a state of emotional shock.  She took it personally and said some mean stuff and stomped off to bed. 

I couldn't be her anchor.  Not too tonight.  I also couldn't be vulnerable around her.  I don't feel safe.  It sucks!  I opened the floodgates at the group and then immediately went somewhere I don't feel safe. 

Anyway, yeah -- holiday stress. 

1.  I think she's going to have trouble with the idea of spending Thanksgiving with me and my son.  She's in a black phase right now where she belittles us both quite a lot.  Tons of passive aggressive comments. 

2.  I am trying my best to separate her from her actions.  I know she feels very threatened when I pull away a little.  Tonight the subtle insults got to me and I became offended however this time I left the room and started writing in my journal.  I'm also trying to use the D.E.A.R.M.A.N  method.  Most of my distress comes from not setting boundaries and letting her guide us through the harsh, raw emotions.

3.  I've been preparing myself for this by writing down my thoughts whenever I find myself getting a little confused or my focus drifting.  I look at my values and I try to make sure I'm living them.  I plan to leave the room when I know its past the point of calm conversation.  I'll tell her where I'll be and when I'll be back. 

I'm right in the middle of a crisis point with my marriage and it's been really difficult to think clearly.   Reading posts here makes the work a little easier. 

Happy Holidays! (hands shaking uncontrollably... .cold sweat dripping down my back)

I'd also like to thank you for posting this.

1) scenario that will cause problems?  Geez... .it could be just about anything my mom does or doesn't do.  

Gets her a present she doesn't like (last year's debacle), doesn't get a present on time, gets wrong size (wife exaggerates the size difference by two... .mom got her a medium, she claimed it was an XL), calls us to wish us a merry xmas, or doesn't call.  either event can get the wife spinning out of control

2) I don't really know how to approach this.  last year I handled it by talking to her about her feelings, saying I understood she didn't like her gift and thought it was insensitive.  she thanked me for being understanding, and we went to bed happy.  next day, BOOM, same thing with a different spin.  I gave up.  In my opinion, she seemed to be looking for a fight, and nothing I could do would help.

she even went and pulled out some old movies my mom had sent her over a year ago (she never watched until last year's fights started) and nitpicked them apart to "prove" my mom secretly hated her and wanted me to leave her.

3) How have I prepared myself?  geez, last year was almost 2 1/2 weeks of daily misery.

I told myself I wasn't ever going to go through that again, and if it does happen, to just pull the plug on this marriage.  

over the past couple months things have been measurably better, and I have been surprised.  It's maybe been the best two month stretch in our marriage.  I can tolerate some bad days here and there, but I'm wary the other shoe will drop around the holidays.

we're going to see my extended family for thanksgiving, and she already started with "what if your mom does X?"  "waht if your mom says X?"  "I need to know you'll be on my side."  ... .the conversations are minefields all by themselves.

so YEAH, I need to prepare myself.

our flight leaves tomorrow (we're spending this Thanksgiving with my family).  I'm already dreading this.

BPDw has already snapped at any questions about what she's packing or our plans for the weekend, and her outfit for thanksgiving dinner is a flashy red cocktail dress and high heels... .the other attendees will be my 60-year-old aunt and uncle, mom, and 80 year old grandparents, and our two toddlers.

me trying to explain it was going to be casual, she didn't need to dress up like that resulted in a surprising burst of hostility. 

I would normally be excited to see my family; now I'm just hoping there aren't any outright shouting matches, or insane drama, esp. in front of our kids.

How did the holiday go? Did writing down your thoughts help you sort them out? And did it help you come up with new strategies for helping you stay in control of your own emotions? WHat specifically do you need to use DEARMAN with?

I'm right in the middle of a crisis point with my marriage and it's been really difficult to think clearly.   Reading posts here makes the work a little easier.  

Happy Holidays! (hands shaking uncontrollably... .cold sweat dripping down my back)

She felt listened to, accepted, and validated the first time. Why did you give up? Validation isn't a one time event. It's something that is constantly practiced. Frequently I can validate my H issues with work, he walks away happy about the conversation, but then as soon as the anxiety creeps back in, I have to validate all over again.


It sounds like she feels rejected by your mom. How can you help her feel like she is being heard when she talks about this?

The Holiday went pretty well, we fought a little that week and she did decide not to come for a while but in the end she did and we all had a good time... .whew. 

I've been using my journal like a defibrillator lately.  Unfortunately, my perspective has been distorted and I am struggling just to make sense of my own thoughts.   I think the Holidays are bringing in a wave of chaos this year especially since its the first holiday season since losing my Dad at the beginning of the year.   So, I'm kind of a mess. 

 

I wonder if anyone else is experiencing the conflicted emotions I am having over this year's holiday. I generally love Christmas and exchanging loving gifts with a partner, but my uBPD wife has painted me black regarding gift-giving — using my stated desires to be sensible and keep gift-giving small and affordable to paint me as someone who "doesn't want to celebrate christmas, and I know you dont' want to get me anything. Why should I even bother." There's a lot of FOG going on.

Truth is, she has treated me very harshly during our marriage, and has painted me as childish and selfish. I actually doubt whether I love her anymore, let alone like her. We've been going to counseling together and sometimes there's improvement, sometimes there is backsliding into dysfunction. I hold out some sort of hope, and I hope I could bring myself to getting her a meaningful gift or two. But my heart isn't into it — I have a hard time bringing myself to do something extra nice for someone who continues to hurt me and disparage me intentionally.

Wish I could write more, but afraid she'll catch me on this board. Curious to know if anyone else runs into these feelings — how do you keep on celebrating with someone who hurts you as if nothing is wrong.  CC

Is getting big expensive gifts important to her? Does she make these statements to other people about you or does she make them privately?

We have a lot of skills available that could help you respond to her when she says these things. For instance  Validation  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating) could help when she makes statements about you not wanting to give her a gift. And  SET  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0) could help you in telling her that you have a budgeted amount for gifts. Would you look through some of these skills and perhaps choose one to focus on and practice for the season?

*bumping this thread as holidays are getting close*

to answer your questions:
1) why did I give up?  I didn't.  I took it all.  I kept validating over and over again.

at some point, she broke down and told me she didn't know why she was acting this way; she knew she was wrong, and she just couldn't control it.  I told her I loved her and understood and was always there for her and would do whatever to help her.

The next day?  it's like that conversation never happened.  she came down screaming... .SCREAMING at me because I talked to my mom, grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, when they called and she was in the shower.  

the craziness just gradually dimished back to "barely tolerable" around new years day.  Then in late January, she got a job and went back to work, so there was a new distraction in her life.

2) I've written about her issues with my mom (and boss, grandmother, aunts, coworkers, cousins, etc. basically any other females I have contact with) extensively here already.

suffice to say, for a long time I bought what she was saying about feeling rejected by my mom.  then I caught her lying about things my mom said or did, and ignoring my mom's phone calls when my mom was - at my request - trying to reach out to her regularly.  

my wife is full of it.  she's jealous and threatened by any other women in my life, and will do anything she can to try to convince me I should not have contact with them, or at least contact without my wife present.  

it's just an endurance test.  how much am I willing to put up with?

I'm 37.  The only reason I've stayed with it is for our boys (4 & 2).  I can't imagine putting up with this forever though.  It's a question of whether I want to enjoy the rest of my life, or spend it filling a bottomless hole.

ugh.  typing that (and thinking about it) made me want to explode.

I can't imagine putting up with this forever though.  It's a question of whether I want to enjoy the rest of my life, or spend it filling a bottomless hole.

ugh.  typing that (and thinking about it) made me want to explode.

[/quote]

@Pete, I hear you... .seems the more I learn (about BPD), the more I am able to pick up on my u/BPD wife's behaviors, I can actually predict, with a certain degree of accuracy, her next episode as it starts to come on... .sometimes I can disarm it, sometimes I cannot, and I am now understanding that if I am not ALWYAS on alert, that even just one word, or sentence in a seemingly innocent conversation can bring on another "episode"... .which could last a day, a week, or even longer... .truly exhausting.

Continuing, .I am also coming to the realization, that she is not going "change", in fact I believe she will only grow worse in her behaviors, .as I observe her FOO, and the history therein, I know where things will go from here, .at the moment I am observing some degree of paranoia in her behaviors.

Christmas is a week out now, so far so good, but it is tenuous.

Yes, exhausting, .I am consigned to myself that I am the caretaker, and this is never going to change. v/r Red5

Our pwBPD will continue to do what they are going to do. Nothing we say or do will every change that. But we aren't victims. We have choices, even if those choices at times seem very hard to see. We have choices even if we choose the wrong one at times.That's what this board is about... .helping us to get beyond our own clouded judgment and see other choices, learning to make better choices in how to respond, and pushing us to make new choices that enhance our own lives, not leave us stuck.

I know this sounds odd but I know for myself that I was stuck until I gave myself permission to leave. I set a plan. I began tracking my H's behavior. I gave it a time frame and if he had a specific number of dysregulations within a timeframe then I was going to go. I began looking into my finances to see how I would survive without his income. I began to plan my actual exit strategy. I promised myself that I would REALLY begin to work the skills as much and as often as possible.

And by the end of the timeframe, my WHOLE perspective had changed. I had learned how to maneuver my H's moods. I learned how to speak up and say things to him that I"ve never said before. I learned how to validate. And I found that I began to feel empathy for him again. My change in my approach during this "testing period" allowed him to begin feeling safer with me because I was actually listening to him, letting him know that he matters to me, and changing the way I dismissed what he was trying to tell him.

September-December have been the best months we have ever had in 13 years of marriage. Changing myself completely changed our relationship and for the most part, we have a normal relationship now. It's weird. It's amazing. It's uncomfortable at times. He still gets moody but I just keep living my life, working the skills, and addressing issues directly. I try not to focus on his behavior so much as focusing on mine. Sure, there are times that I lose my focus, but looking at myself was the key to finding my own happiness.

sounds like everyone survived, more or less.

my Christmas cheer lasted until about 10am.  BPDw started up after all the presents were open about my mom, because she wrote "to my beloved son" on my gift.  this brought everything back... .years of perceived slights by my mom & family, and all the insane accusations my wife has made about them came rushing back.

she knows my rule: "We've discussed, argued and fought over this AD NAUSEUM. both thoroughly understand eachother's positions.  if you are going to ignore mine, and ignore all the reassuring things I've said and done, and continue to fight, I'm going out for a walk.  if I come home and it continues, I'll leave for longer, and keep leaving until it stops."

so, instead of starting up with me, she started the conversation with my brother, who is staying with us for a couple weeks.  she did it - of course - knowing I was in earshot, as I was playing with our boys not more than 12 feet away in the next room.

I finished up what I was doing, and announced "I'm going out to rake the leaves."

I could tell she started to panic a bit when I came back inside, because we were having her friend and husband over for dinner, and she wanted to keep up appearances.  so she apologized and said she didn't mean anything, and "just wanted to understand the language my mom used and get my brother's perspective." 

She kept up the façade as long as she had to, although when ever we were alone for a sec, she would pry.  "You seem upset.  are you upset?  Why do you have such problems with me?"  Then as soon as dinner was over, and our guests left, the nastiness started up again. 

AAAAAaaand it looks from her texts that she's ready to keep this going today. 

only thing I'm looking forward to is that I took next week off, and she has to work (she's out of vacation).  can't come soon enough.

@Pete... ."AD NAUSEUM"... .Man I can surely relate with that one !... .Yes I can,

v/r Red5