BPDFamily.com

Hi, I'm hoping to get some support. My mom has had horrible interpersonal issues for so many years (with family- her kids and husband in particular). I am just now realizing that it is most likely BPD. I am constantly getting harassed, berated, and degraded by her. Nothing I do is good enough and nothing I say is the "right" answer. I just want to know something I can do to appease her because whenever I try to use logic, she screams that I am insulting her and that I am the one who is guilty of doing all the things that I accuse her of.

Hi GL,

Do you live with her? What kinds of things I'd she tormenting you with? Going by you other post,  logic flies out the window with a person who is driven by often uncontrollable emotions.  

The tools on the lessons at the top of the board can help.

What's the primary issue that you argue about?

T

My mother does that to me, too, every single time; she just turns whatever I say to her, right back around at me. I would definitely check out the Tools section like Turkish mentioned; the one on Ending Conflict (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict) talks about making Sympathy, Empathy, then Truth statements- it's explained in the video, not in the text of that page though. I was worried if I tried that on my mom, it would be really transparent that I was trying to "handle" her and just make her more angry, but when I actually did it, it was AMAZING how it helped to defuse her rage. The hard part for me is staying calm enough in the moment to have the emotional wherewithal to be able to actually do it.

The other thing that was helpful for me, was when my therapist said something to the effect of, "You can reason with a neurotic person, when they are not in their complex; you can't reason with a personality disorder." Logic doesn't get me anywhere with my mother; part of my process is accepting that the goal isn't for her to see the situation clearly or understand the reality of it and how it's affected me; my goal is to set boundaries so I can take care of myself and protect myself, and to treat her as respectfully and kindly as I'm capable of doing, in the process. Easier said than done, of course... .

I also think it's a whole different ballgame if you're living in the same house. I'm so thankful to be in a place in my life where I live way from my parents and have that physical space to help keep me centered. What's your situation like?