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I am tired.   I am out of ideas.  I am sad.  I want to talk to her, hear her, feel her more than anything I could possibly do right now.  Nothing else would be better.

I check her instagram for the smallest hint of a thread of a hope that would start the 90's era song and end the rom com with a happy ending.

But.  In time that feeling would pass, and history would repeat itself.  I am not even able to go to the details, because I am tired of going through it in my head.

I am basically saying that I give in, as much as I can to the idea that I cannot do anything but stay away and keep looking away and shaking my soul to know that my own heart and brain want the easy out.

As much as I dwell on it, right now I cant express it, and I am going through those moments of just pure agony, even writing about it seems like a way to hold on to the feelings.   I want to cry and call her and hear her voice... .

so many things.   but I wont give in.   I need me back.  Whoever he is. 

I'm there too.

I really don't want to detach, but when someone has BPD and doesn't what to change, there you are. I had and have my own issues and am working on that because I want to be more whole no matter where this goes; I'm not trying to prove anything.

It's sad though. My counsellor is sick this week, but when I go back, I'm going to ask more about this.

whats stopping you from reaching out?

This is a great question.  short version: what would it change? nothing. 


Longer version:
During attempts at recycle or whatever they were, I realized that I would open up, and talk more and more, and she would not.  I would try to talk about things we could work on, compromise, some more hopes and dreams than actual strong points.  I got very good at avoiding the conflict, at not engaging.  But when I failed, it was the same.  There was no change in her, it always sounded the same.

But when it was done nothing would or will change.   She leaves things unfinished and broken, without trying to sound overly dramatic. I cannot really see it working, no matter how much I feel or want it to. No matter how strong I think and actually know I am, to bridge the gaps, it will still follow the same path.

Breaking it down further, I left it to her.  I said Here I am.   I am as always right here.  Partly hope, and partly an emerging pride and understanding of my worth. Of my being someone that did as much right as I could, and hate the things I did wrong.  I think I came to terms, that my love and understanding, even my tendency to be stubbornly and slightly co-dependent is not enough.   But I think whether or not I totally agree, deep inside of me, enough is enough.  It is sad and F***ing lonely, but I have already started looking forward, felt a lot of weight leave me.  I have seen the looks and concern from friends and family fade away.

to quote two songs from Simply Red. 

Holding back the tears
Chance for me to escape from all I know
Holding back the tears
'Cause nothing here has grown
I've wasted all my tears
Wasted all those years
Nothing had the chance to be good
Nothing ever could, yeah



We've all got our own funny moods
I've got mine, woman you've got yours too
Just trust in me like I trust in you
As long as we've been together it should be so easy to do
Just get yourself together or we might as well say goodbye
What good is a love affair when you can't see eye to eye,