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No More Mr Nice Guy Author: Robert A. Glover PhD Publisher: Running Press | 2000 Paperback: 208 pages ISBN-10: 0762415339 ISBN-13: 978-0762415335 (https://bpdfamily.com/book-covers/spacer.gif) (https://bpdfamily.com/book-covers/locate.png) (http://www.bookfinder.com/search/?keywords=0762415339&st=sh&ac=qr&submit=)

In one of the threads, someone posted a link to this. Wow! Thanks! It explains a lot of my personality and actions over the years. So I am reading this and see some parallels with BPD.  And I see some things that can not be done with a BPD partner. They will never be a safe person, in my case never accept boundaries, they point out that anything for myself is selfish, and will never accept that I have needs. So how does one apply this to a marriage with a BPD?

Hi 5min,

Looks like you are new to learning about BPD. I know this can be a very confusing and shocking time. I caution you though to be very careful about this. The characteristics can actually vary quite a bit, not everyone has the same or all of the traits of BPD. Some may have self awareness and be in treatment, others may not. There are lots and lots of variables, too many to name really.

I see my situation echoed in the posts of others sometimes, but quite often my life is nothing like what someone else describes here. So, step cautiously, there is a lot to learn. Assumptions can very easily be missplaced.

Are you hoping to improve your situation and yourself via a deeper understanding of these issues?

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

I don't know much about the author. I would be careful about any sources that use words like "always" and "never" as this leads to black and white thinking. It is possible for our pwBPD to change their behavior. Boundaries work very well for us nons because boundaries are NOT about changing hte other person's behavior, but about changing our own behavior. Learning as much as you can about BPD and co-dependency can help you begin to see areas in your life that you have allowed your pwBPD to take too much. These lessons might help:

 Understanding your partner's behavior  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913187#msg913187)
 Understanding your role in the relationship  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913188#msg913188)

What about this book resonates with you?

Do you think of yourself as a "nice guy"?

From just a quick glance at the book you mentioned, it sounds like it teaches men how to be assertive. This can be very helpful in learning how to speak up when you boundaries are being violated or when you are bothered by something. We have a workshop on  Being Assertive  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206736.0) that might help.

The trying to keep or make peace, keep everyone calm, hide anything that may cause an outburst, etc. resonate with me. I've tried boundaries and they result in escalated outbursts. I really have issue with the double standard: she says anything and I can not JADE. There is no accountability. I can not say anything other than how great, wonderful, and perfect ... .

So don't. This is Glover's point. Have reasonable expectations for your own needs (unrelated to your wife) and pursue them (actions, not words).

With BPD traits, there is another layer to consider, which is their insecurity and emotional volatility and learning how not to fuel it or play into it (like no JADE, allowing extinction burst without reacting, validation, behavioral vs intellectual reactions).

Share some problems here - get help problem solving.

As a (recovering?) nice guy myself, I do think that we gravitate towards BPD people since they shower us at first with unconditional love which we crave.

I think that being a nice guy is really being insecure. BPD is charming us and providing us with false security.