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One very poor aspect of my relational life has been poor coping skills. Alcohol has been a big coping mechanism for me. So much so that it has been a problem at times in my life. I know it’s a depressant and that it will make my depression and anxiety worse when it wears off, but I still indulge. Today I decided it’s time to put it down again. I figured out today that my ex is seeing/sleeping with another man. I didn’t take it well. Today I truly realized that my family is done. I’m hurting very badly. I anticipate sleepless nights.

I guess I should get to the point. I kept a picture of my dad tipping a beer in my mouth while I was in a playpen. He had a smile on his face and my sister was standing by the playpen laughing. This really angers me. My parents let me drink a lot when I was a child. My dad always kept a keg of beer in the house. I could poor a draft beer at 5 years old. I still remember the day when he made me try a few different kinds of hard liquor when my mom and sister were at the grocery store. I fell down the stairs that day. My dad made me go to bed before they got home. They let me drink a lot. My dad called me his beer buddy. I’m p’d off at this heinous abuse, and all of the other abuses that they inflicted on me. I’m angry and deeply saddened by how their abuses have followed me into adulthood. I’m angry and saddened by the way that I’m unable to find stable, romantic love in my life. I’m angry and saddened that it has taken me this long to really figure out exactly what is wrong with me. I’m full of love, caring, compassion and empathy and I just want to be able to share it. I know I need to do all of those things for myself first. That is something I’ve never really done for myself. I’m sorry. I’m just having a really hard time right now and I’m hoping to catch some good vibes.

Your dad should have gone to jail for that.  I don't know what else to say. 

At what age did you start to realize it was not normal or wrong for him to do that? I assume mom was an enabler?

Do you see the alcohol dynamic as specifically influencing your romantic choices?

Thanks Turkish. They both should’ve went to jail for many things. Yes, my mom enabled it. They were both highly physically and emotionally abusive. I don’t really know what age I was when I saw that it wasn’t right. I do recall getting caught with alcohol in Jr. High. My punishment was that I had to take huge gulps of whiskey until I became sick. To answer your question about relationship dynamics, no. I don’t believe that alcohol plays a part in my choices. I’ve only had one relationship where my partner drank heavily. I do believe that toxic relationships that I’ve been in trigger the drinking. For instance, with my now ex I was sober, healthy, working out and in therapy when we met. As the relationship started to break down and the abuse started to show itself and escalate, I started to drink more and more. This wasn’t the first relationship that this has happened. I choose to enter relationships in a healthy state, or so I thought. I have obviously been very wrong about that.

I don't fault you for the Coping mechanisms... .I was there.  I may still be. 

What do you mean by a "healthy state?"

By healthy state I just mean feeling ready at the time. No baggage from previous relationships, feeling good about myself. The relationship before my ex turned out to be a pretty bad one. I ended up taking a year off from pursuing anything with women. Not until I started to feel the want to start dating again did I try. Well, I’m learning that feeling ready and actually being ready are two different things. Obviously, from what I’ve learned and experienced, I’ve never been ready.

Thanks for sharing your story JNChell.  That sounds really hard.  I picked up drinking at 14 and used to hit the bottle extremely hard.  I almost died of alcohol poisoning and would get arrested on a regular basis for puking my guts out on the street.

years later I was a "social" drinker, cause I guess I wanted to blend in and not cause trouble.  That was a bad choice.

Today I'm 100% sober from booze and I cannot tell you how much it has changed my life.  It isn't just about the stuff, it's about the people who drink too.  The culture of bars, clubs, "beer watching the game" etc. is problematic IMO.  I won't live with people who drink in the house.  It sounds extreme but it's actually been wonderful.  Instead of going to bars I go to the park, the library, the movie theater, restaurant, etc.  There's a whole world without that stuff.

Your parents sound like ___.  screw them.  You're making it on your own now and identifying important things about yourself.  It sounds like you've come a really, really long way.   Give yourself some credit.

Personally, I found not dating for some years to be extremely helpful.  I dunno about you but I tend to get into a pattern of "feeling good about myself" finally, only to jump into another bad relationship, take a year to recover from it, then rinse and repeat.  Because people can tell when you feel good, and the bad people will prey on that.  I rather just focus on me right now and what I need to heal.   

Best of luck to you.

Greg, thank you so much for your reply and testimony. I admit that alcohol is a real crutch for me. I put it down and pick it up. I guess I recycle too. I’m totally with you on avoiding bars and the like. I’m a musician and pretty much got burnt out on the culture. I’ve seen a lot of ugliness in the scene. It just started to feel dirty. I hope to one day be able to perform again because I do love it, but I’ve always put my relationships ahead of my interests. I mean everything. That’s something I have to change about myself. This makes me think about your insight into not dating. I haven’t learned healthy balance yet. I haven’t learned how to recognize when I’m giving myself away and giving up my own personal interests. I applaud you for taking a stance and remaining true to yourself and knowing what is best for YOU. I’m learning that that is the core of our own personal well being. Thanks, man! I appreciate you giving your insight.

Back in the day,  I worked in a small town,  100 people within the town limits. When I reached 21, I "graduated" to be able to sit out on the benches in front of the general store and drink beer with the good ol'e boys.  A woodcutter, a common career in this rural area, used to come by with his 4 year old daughter.  She would almost desperately grab his can of beer to take sips. He'd tell her "no" but engrossed on conversation with the GOBs, she'd keep doing it.  This was around 1990. I sometimes wondered how that little girl turned out... .

I hope she found a good path, but odds are she’s been struggling. So sad.