BPDFamily.com

The saying you can’t see your nose in front of your face pretty much not only sums up how I feel lately but also my whole life. Recently, after talking with my aunt, I began putting two and two together about my mom having BPD.

After losing someone very close to her she began a downward spiral of just becoming a shell of who she used to be (judgementalness  and all). She appeared to lose her zest for life and even her overall appearance was a ghost of her past.
So with me being a licensed counselor and licensed psychologist (although not currently practicing so I could be with my babies) I began to look more into clinical depression, Parkinson’s, dementia etc. After a much needed, although irate, trip to the ER it was evident that it was not physical but mental with my mom.

So being the concerned person that I was, I called my aunt and spilled my heart out for over 3 hours trying piece meal what could be going on. My aunt  shared information about her late husband (My Mom’s brother) that I had never known nor even heard about growing up . After we hung up I guess you could say I starting thinking a little more clinically and less emotionally and starting going through the DSM for possible clues. Anyways long story short my mom ended up “qualifying” with flying colors for BPD . Then when I sat back and really thought about it, my uncle had it, my aunt as it (passed away from alcoholism ), and so did my grandmother (who everyone just thought she was a nasty person). Genetics and lots of neglect and abandonment  all four people. How could I not have seen this the whole time?

My mom has always been very sarcastic and judgmental to me growing up. Don’t get me wrong, she was very active in my life, she never abused me, and I never wanted for anything. However, with that being said, she lacked the motherly nurture that I now realize should have been there . Myself,  as a mother now, I am constantly (maybe too much ) telling my kids how special they are and how much they are loved. Looking back I now understand that motherly love was a part in my life that I longed for but did not realize at the time that it was not “normal behavior” to have constant judgmentalness, criticalness, and strange ideologies from a mother.

In general, I was always concerned about what was going to come out of my mothers mouth to offend the next stranger on the street or close family member. I never could understand how she saw the world so differently then me . My father  would just always say to me “don’t make waves” or “ let’s try to be nice so your mom doesn’t get her feelings hurt and sit around and not talk.” I remember being very angry that my dad could not stand up to her (and still doesn’t) and would just let her be nasty to both he and I while  it was ok for her to be constantly judging everyone around her.

To this day he still tells me “I’m the one that has to live with her... .please don’t say anything to make her upset.” I find myself getting very angry quickly with her and mama bearish when she says things to my girls and I become conflicted with “ do I stay passive and not say anything to appease my dad or do I say something knowing it will end in a fight?” I normally say something because I don’t want my girls to think that the things she says are ok. I need to work on this to better express myself and not offend her.

Although lately it seems like the only things she is interested in is sitting around and making excuses for why she can’t do anything especially with my children. I know there is a lot of comorbidity with her case but is it normal to pull away from even your grandchildren? She just comes across to me as almost aloof and self absorbed. Which is slightly ironic because she hated those characteristics in her mother who was not interested in being a grandmother to me because she was too busy with her life.

It makes me very sad to feel I need to bug her to play with my kids. This is when I end up getting upset because my dad just follows suit and doesn’t want to rock the boat. Is it typical for a person who has a BPD spouse to be so compliant? My grandfather was the same way with my grandmother and did whatever she wanted even at the price of not having a relationship with his grandchildren.

Growing up it was  hard to relate to her constant negative thoughts and worry about everything (she also has an eating disorder she has been dealing with for years.).  So as a little girl who looked up to her mother and role model I struggled to understand the “do as I say not as I do” hypocritical attitude. It was often very lonely to try to navigate my childhood alone (thank goodness for my saint of an aunt who took me under her wing and loved me unconditionally) because most of my family really had a hard time trying to get close to my mom.  She could offend someone within minutes of being in their presence and my dad would just sit in a corner quietly accepting his fate.

He and I both knew we would never get a sorry for anything and she was always right. Telling her anything else but what she wanted to hear would land in a crazy avoidance story to the point where you would forget what you were taking about . She definitely has a gift of making you feel as if it is your fault (for pretty much anything). For as critical as my mom can be around others , my dad and I definitely get the worst of it in general (Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde). At times it is almost like she picks and chooses who she wants to be nice to.

Overall, I’m really struggling with letting my girls get close to my mom because I want to protect them from the things that come out of her mouth. I grew constantly worrying about pleasing her, all the while knowing I probably wouldn’t get too much back in return. Over the years I’ve learned to lower my expectations.

My children adore her which makes things even worse( they are very young).   I know when they get older and understand more they will go to her for advice which is skewed and laden with criticism and fear. I want to end this cycle so when my girls become mothers they know how to show love, nurture, and kindness.

This whole journey is very raw and new to me right now. I’m just hoping that through this process I will be able to protect them as much as possible.

Thanks for letting me vent !

Yes,  it's common for spouses to cover for the other parent.  The stories here are too many to count.  Though it's frustrating and maybe painful,  their marriage is theirs. 

Even given your desire to have her more engaged with grandma,  that they adore her is good on the sense that they may not yet see what is "off" about her. It may be frustrating to you,  but her off-standishness might not entirely be a bad thing.  It might keep her from enmeshment with the kids, which might lead to triangulation against you. 

You mentioned co-morbidity... .what else does she exhibit? Depression or anxiety?

Thank you for your reply.

Yes, she has an eating disorder and depression. At times I see her being very anxious as well, although she would never admit it. She gets afraid to drive, afraid of latest events in the news (fixated on a certain news station... .could sit for hours and watch it), worries about people at my child’s daycare hurting my baby, worries about my dad cheating on her all the time (gets upset if he is looking at tv and says my dad is checking the women out ).  

Overall, she becomes very combative if called out or questioned about anything mentioned above . She always says she can’t help her tone of voice or how people perceive her and it is everyone else’s fault.