BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,
I'm hoping to find some advice from those of you that have been in my position.  Ou DD18 left home in September very suddenly. She signed a lease for an off-campus apartment which lasts until July.  She had no savings, but somehow thought she'd have enough money from her part-time job to pay her rent.  She didn't. 
Result: suicide attempt at the end of October.  We ended up working with her (planning for her) a solution.   We had money set aside from her job from when she lived at home.  We put that towards her rent.  We said we'd pay half the rent until she got herself stabilized.
Fast forward... .she quit her job for a door to door sales job that she said would make more money.  It didn't.  She quit after one week, and only made $45.   We (my husband and I) supported the decision, as she was being dropped off alone at night to go door to door.  We paid her December rent.  She was to look for another job.
For Christmas, part of her gift was her half of the rent for January.  At the beginning of January I reminded her that she would need to plan how to pay her rent.  She said she was.  I asked if she applied for social assistance.  She was hesitant to discuss this.  It eventually came out that she had started the process, but then needed to call to make an appointment.  We said we could give her a ride if she needed it.  (She didn't have her bus pass yet).  She went no contact for 2 weeks, only responding to a recent text when we asked if she was interested in getting together for dinner for her birthday. 
Today, one of her roommates contacted our son, saying they were worried about her because "she hasn't been out of her room much in weeks", not even coming out to eat with them.  We know that she has been to a party (our son's friends were there), and has visited her old high school (thinking of returning there next semester apparently). 
Here's where we're asking for advice from those of you that have been there, done that.  Her birthday is coming up.  Do we offer to put her gift money towards her rent instead, and ask if other family members will do he same?  The problem is, we know that we would be enabling.  My husband's fear is that we have a vacation planned in March (just my husband, son, and myself).  He wants to avoid a crisis.   My fear is that I was the one who reminded her about our agreement, and what if she attempts? 
Even as I'm writing this, I know what we SHOULD do, but we're not feeling strong enough yet.  Any suggestions? 

This is a tough one. My daughter is 18 too but she is still at home after graduating from high school. She is emotionally pretty immature even though she thinks otherwise and would not be able to manage living away from home.

I would be inclined not to help with the rent and talk to her about finding a roommate to replace her so she could move on to either coming back home or going elsewhere for treatment. But if her being at home is just not possible and she refuses treatment then income support might be worthwhile in the short term if you have a defined plan in place. I would not ask other family members to donate or give the rent money as a birthday gift but in my family solicitations like that wouldn’t be well received and we don’t do big gifts for birthdays so in your family this might be ok.

Good luck

Dear 1hope,   Reading your story brought me back to the days when my DD was 18 and we were constantly living in crisis.   She is now almost 26 and although she still has BPD and still has many issues some things have improved.   Hugs to you because this is a tough place for a mom and dad to be in.   I can totally understand.  My first thought is giving her rent money is only going to delay the inevitable.   I also know what it is like to be worried about another suicide attempt.   My second thought is, would she be open to coming back home?   My DD has been in and out of our home about 5 times since she was 18.   Although she is hard to live with, I don't think my DD could ever live alone.   She needs reliable support always.  Many hugs to you.