BPDFamily.com

So, the saga continues, on and off communication.
She said something a little strange today.
'I can change my number, email, but I still know yours, I can still contact you, please change your number'
Confused much.

Hi Pencil sketch,... .

do I understand this correctly?   she contacted you first?    asking you to change your phone number?

before I launch into a discussion about insecure attachment styles,   can i ask how you are feeling about the on and off again communication?    would you rather talk to her or not?

so insecure attachment styles... .people write whole books about it right?    anything I can summarize will be pretty simple.     in a nut shell insecure attachment styles occur with  infants that don't  get responsive, nurturing, consistent care in the early weeks and months of their lives.

pwBPD or the traits of it have a disorganized attachment style.   It's eratic, confused.    with a lot of anger and fear.

if you have never run into it before,  it's very confusing to deal with some one with a disorganized attachment style.    we keep expecting logical behavior.   what we would call logical behavior.   what makes sense to us.   

pwBPD process life and life events differently than you and I.   a lot of time,   I would almost say most of the time the conflict we find in our relationship comes from this different way of processing life.   

people who are organized at the borderline level ride a roller coaster of fear, anger, doubt, mistrust, shame.     they way they process that is externally.    they manage their emotions externally using the people and things around them.   

I would guess and say she is struggling with the break up.   she is uncomfortable with her current emotions and wants to resolve them.    Externally.   by having you be the emotional leader and change your email and number so she can't reach you when her resolve crumbles.     It an immature coping mechinsim.

what do you think?     

'ducks

I have not read any of your former posts so I do not know the background to this situation.  In short, her telling you to change your email or phone number is simply another form of control.  Why should you have to change your phone number? So you can lose contact with friends and family that know your number or have it locked in their phones? No, a better idea for you would be to block her emails and phone messages to protect your own psyche.  I am glad that you have detached... .stay the course and never look back.

It means she wants you to change your number so she can't contact you.

You are asking us to read and explain impaired/disturbed brain?

I know, I guess the more we learn, the more it complicates us, be cause we just can't relate.
She has left me with more questions than before, what she wants.
This is a very hard journey.

It is hard.

Accepting that she does relationships differently than you do is hard.

Accepting that the relationship we thought we were having is not actually the one we were having is hard.

Accepting doesn't mean agreeing or liking .

It's part of the process of getting over the failure of the relationship.

What does acceptance look like for you?

'I can change my number, email, but I still know yours, I can still contact you, please change your number'


I put this in the BPD descramblizer, and this is what it spit out:

I have no impulse control and need your help erasing the temptation to engage with you, so change all your contact info. Thanks!

J

Where can I get me one of those?

The communication is still on going, and resulted in another argument last night. She asked me to stop stalking her, and asking awkward questions, one of which was, why she accuses me of stalking, when it was indeed, her who changed her number and returned 8 weeks later.
There was a pause, and she messaged back, 'I had to get my lawn re-turfed, after you let my dog dig it up (this happened 2 yrs ago)
' And she hates you too
I asked what the lawn had to do with her resuming contact, and she said, 'you always have to change the subject, stop harrasing me, all your messages will now be logged, and sent to the police'

I felt it best, to not mention the fact, she has block paving in her garden.
They are quite mad!

She was blocked. She blocked you. Did you both unblock each other?

Why are you communicating? Is it to tell each other off / inflict pain?

Sorry to tell you Pencil Sketch.  We've all heard the stop stalking and threats at calling the police... .reverse psychology, skewed thinking... .it's all part of the illness.  Best to stay away until you're emotionally stronger unless you intend to cause yourself more pain.  No contact is the way to go in this situation. 

I think AnuDay has a good point here.  You changing your phone number and email is not a reasonable request on her part, but it sounds like even she doesn't trust herself to maintain NC.  A reasonable counter to her unreasonable request would be to let her know that you will not be changing your phone number but that you will be blocking her number and will be deleting any emails from her or any other unknown email addresses, unread, for the next 6 months.

Do you think this would be a good solution for you, or are you not really fully sold on NC?