BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I have being reading a lot about the BPD behavior on relationships, and what not. My situation is complicated because my BPDexbf and I had a long distance relationship for the most part, and he broke up with me last week. What i want to know is that how hard is for BPD people stay in a long distance relationship? We did it for most of our relationship, like 7 months, and after May, my graduations, i was going to try to move closer, nothing is set yet, bc i have not found a job but he knows i want him, i want to be with him and i have been trying to find a job closer to him. He decided to end this now, just 3 months i possibly get to move closer, what is his deal? Should I think this is part of his BPD or simply he is just not interested anymore and is making excuses to break up with me?

My mind tells me he just consciously dumped me, but my heart wants to believe he is acting out of his BPD. What do you guys think? I am not doing anything to get back together for now, but i would really want to have some type of clarity since i don't even know what is going on anymore.

Hi xyz-Girl,

I'm really sorry this happened to you. This is really really hard and I'm sorry you have to go through this. 

It is really hard to figure out exactly why someone decides to end a relationship, so we can only guess based on history and other things we learn over time. As you know from reading things here, frequent cycles of breaking up and getting back together are common in BPD relationships. Often the pwBPD don't even fully understand themselves and why they feel the need to reject someone right at the time they're closest to their partner, but we see it over and over again.

Have there been other times in your relationship where he's broken up with you or threatened to do so? Have you had any contact since the breakup?

Thank you so much for replying. Yes, there has being 2-3 other times we broke up due to fights. I must admit I did the first time bc he crossed a boundary I had established for myself and my relationships, the not calling names and disrespect the other person, so that was the very first. Then we broke up again bc we where not seeing eye to eye, then we got into a big fight on my birthday where he wanted my whole attention and i just wanted to have fun with him and my friends. That was the last one and the longest one till now, around 2 days of NC, this time it's been 3 days of NC max, he breaking it tho. This last time he wanted this open relationship out of the blue, and I put my foot down about it. So he broke up with me, but he has being contacting me yes, we fought again on Sunday and now we are on good terms but he still needs time. He seems very confused to me, keeps changing his reasons of why he broke up with me and then he is at least being nice but still saying he needs a break. I am giving him time, I am giving me a time  too bc everything is so confusing about him wanting a time and then texting me to see how I am doing. His last text said he didn't want to be with anyone rn, he just needs some time to see what feelings are there. In addition, after 2 days of us breaking up he went on a date with a random girl from bumble. I am moving on with my life tho, but I am still very confused about his behavior.  

Hi xyz-Girl,

My first two years with my partner with BPD traits were long distance. I didn't understand his tendency to break up back then, and his breakup efforts were different back then too, but I later realized they were always there. From week one!

It was easier then to deal with them in some ways. I had my own housing, job, friends, life, country. It was painful, but I managed.

If you want to pursue more with him, at any point, your best bet is to work on yourself - to completely relearn your communication style. It takes a lot to make such relationships work. It is not impossible, but it is a big challenge and it starts with you. I wish I'd found this site sooner and had the insights I've gained here much, much sooner.

wishing you the best, pearl.

Thank you so much for you advice pearlsw, i am not sure what i want from him rn,but it is mainly out of fear, otherwise i am sure i will try to fix things. I agree about getting better on my communication style. What style do you recommend ? i am afraid to show my weaknesses anymore bc then he will try to use them as a way to put me down and that is the last thing i want.

Hi again! I just mean learning the tools here. They can be counter-intuitive. I used to push my partner away a lot, I didn't realize how this just exacerbated things and made him feel more rejected. I also didn't recognize, earlier on, how invalidating I could be. I thought I was nice and that was enough! I could not handle his emotional intensity though and I didn't listen well enough to him and respond as carefully as one should. This is a skill I still need work on. His emotions are simply too intense for me for the most part. He lives in a world of chaos and high stress. This is not at all who I am or what I want. I had to learn to manage with it though. It is not easy. It takes a lot of fortitude and discipline. I wish you the best!

~pearl.

It sounds to me like the "long distance" aspect of the relationship is wearing on him... .more than he is done with you. Long distance is hard. There is no one to go to the movies with or ride bikes. And, in your case, there is no definitive end in sight.

When was the last time you saw him face to face? How long is it between visits, typically?

Up to December was almost every weekend. Starting January it became every two weeks, and i agree with you about how hard it is. I believe he has a lot more free time than i do because i work and go to school. He also admitted getting more depressed bc of the season as well. I have not seen him for 2 weeks now. he was supposed to come visit me today but he canceled his flight after our last fight. He said we need a lil break... .He stills wants to know about me and stuff but i surely need to start considering moving on with my life right? start going out with other people again. I know he is on bumble but not sure what his intentions are... .I also think he is not completely honest with me?