BPDFamily.com

Hi

Just out of curiosity do others find the sleep habits of their pwBPD difficult to cope with? My experience is that mine either does not sleep or sleeps a lot, he is on anti-psychotic medication which seems to make his sleeping pattern more irregular. Now I suspect overall he gets the sleep he needs but its so irregular and has a direct affect on mood stability. Moreover it makes it difficult to schedule any activities. Perhaps my biggest problem (and it is mine I accept) is the fact that he often sleeps all day and as a result does very little to help with domestic tasks leading to resentment on my part.

I do find myself thinking 'lazy, lazy'.!

At one level its not an issue, we sleep in separate rooms because I value my sleep and because my work involves irregular shift patterns this is very important for me to function well and I do accept that irregular sleep patterns seem to be associated with BPD but I am just finding this a big problem for me to reconcile at the moment and wonder if anyone has any advice because it is a sensitive subject and one that is a problem to discuss with him without creating tension.

I wonder if DEAR would work?

Define the problem (in objective terms)
Express your feelings using I statements
Ask for what you want (how would you like things to change?)
Reinforcement (how will your partner be rewarded? what's in it for him?)

Sometimes this skill is called DEARMAN, but I can never remember the MAN part.

Even though the problem is caused by sleep irregularities, the problem itself seems more about getting chores done. Does that sound right? And you feel overwhelmed by doing the chores without some help from him?
What is something that would feel like a reward for him?

Here ya go:

Communicate - D.E.A.R.M.A.N. Technique (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0)

Good for asking for what you want  |iiii

Thanks, I had forgotten about that and will try it. I think the frustration is partly about the chores but a more underlying issue of communication and yes DEARMAN seems a good tool which I should be using.

So an update, I used the DEARMAN structure - initially it bought a very positive response both in terms of my partner stating he did not realise how I felt and that he would try harder appreciating that the situation at the moment did not work well for either of us and he even apologised that his behaviours had caused me difficulty. Phew relief, a nice conversation and I really felt I had been heard.

Fast forward a few days and nothing has changed, in fact all that has really happened is that he has withdrawn more spending most of his time in bed, not looking after himself, not washing and things are worse than before.

Maybe I got it wrong, although I suspect that just acknowledging that I have feelings of feeling overwhelmed by my workload and the difficulty we have communicating has triggered the shame/guilt response that I am trying hard to avoid.

Damned if you do/Damned if you don't is how I am feeling now, thinking torn between trying again or just giving up! Though if i just give up what changes - I just remain a hard working employee at work and a skivvy at home. You can see the frustration and anger that is underlying here and as I am facing retirement I am probably being troubled by the thought "at least when at work things are sane" what the heck happens when I don't have work to escape to. I have not shared these thoughts with him.

I went to a local carers centre yesterday to ask for help - they suggested  an assessment, I have never sought help and TBH have never really seen myself as a carer, but I went anyway. They have suggested a carers assessment though really I cant see how they can help and if anything felt a bit criticised by them e.g. "when you are away do you make sure there is food for him?" Clearly they have no idea about BPD - there is always food in the house but I cant make him cook or eat it! I cant tell him when to sleep - he is not a child but a grown man, and one that is capable of shopping/cooking a meal and washing himself.



Ok I know I am ranting a bit here, this weekend I am going on a retreat, I hope it will sooth my mind - maybe then I can try again to communicate - for now I think its best I just get my feelings out here.

My dBPDw has terrible sleeping patterns.  I'm in the military and with the odd exception of having to go in earlier I wake up at 5:30 every morning.  Our kick ass daughter is anywhere from 6-6:30 becasue she likes to have time in the am to do her chores and drink coffee.  Our boys are autistic and all of our children are homeschooled.  Because of all of this everyone except my wife either works on a schedule or benifits significantly from routine.  My wife will go to bed anywhere from 1130-2 am just depending on what task she just cant wait for tomorrow to do.

She will get up anywhere from 8-10:30 and literally spend the first few hours (2-3) drinking coffee, playing on her phone or otherwise occupying her self un-productively.  This sets the tone for her entire day and she is in reaction mode all day every day.  This causes her all sorts of stress, unfulfiled requests and failed tasks.  To top it all off she ALWAYS puts more on her plate than she can even begin to acomplish.  We rarely eat dinner earlier than 8:30 pm when she knows I prefer around 6.  So yes my wife's sleeping patterns effect the entire house.  Yet 'm the one wrong for being unrealistic go figure.

My BPD bf has lots of issues falling asleep and then waking up.  He never gets enough sleep during the week because he has trouble falling asleep.  He says it's because he can't get his head to quiet down enough.  He also sleeps with the TV on and dips before turning off the light, neither of which can help much.  Then, its a struggle for him to get up in the mornings.  He can manage to get up during the week when he has to be at work, thanks to his alarm AND a phone call/conversation with his mom almost every morning when he's at his home.  When he's at my home, there is no tv on in the bedroom and he usually falls asleep before me, usually within 10-20 minutes of getting in bed.  His alarm will somewhat wake him up on these mornings, but I usually still end up pushing him out of bed as he has to be at work an hour before I do. 

On weekends, he's hopeless.  He rarely ever gets up before 11 unless he's particularly motivated to do something, but even then he isn't always able to follow through.  Sometimes, he gets frustrated with himself for sleeping so late on the weekends and he will get mad at me if I don't drag him out of bed when he stays with me, but I get tired of having to do that and deal with his irritability when I do get him up.  His family has a running joke about how heavily he sleeps which kind of encourages the behaviour, in my opinion.  But, he does work hard physically during the week, so I can't blame him too much for how hard he sleeps on the weekend.

From what I've read, these sort of sleep issues are common with BPD people.