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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: Scottie345 on February 18, 2018, 02:10:42 AM



Title: I need to break free from the emotions that tie me to him
Post by: Scottie345 on February 18, 2018, 02:10:42 AM
Hi there
New to this forum and just looking for advice to process the last 18 years of my life and heal
I’m in the process of divorcing my husband who is very insecure such that is his emotions have controlled me since the beginning but significantly in the past 6 years. Even though I love him dearly, to be healthy I need to break free from the emotions that tie me to him.

He has no diagnosis of BPD (and I’m not looking to diagnose him) because he cannot accept he has any issues accept anxiety and depression ... .which I have caused - I made him go on medication, I made him get counselling, I did loads of horrid things that caused him to get that way
He doesn’t trust me, accused me of affairs,  particularly if I travel with work, even found a porn (!) clip online that he said was me, and I’m always guilty unless I can prove my innocence.
And while there are times I haven’t  told him everything because I know how he’ll react, he always assumed the worst, and I have spent too much time Justifying, arguing, defending and explaining myself to try and get him to see my point of view. He will go on and on and if he doesn’t get the answer he wants, I must be lying which reinforces why he doesn’t trust me.

He left me with our 2 children and dog the day 3.5 months ago  because he was feeling unloved, neglected, disrespected , unhappy and lonely (my fault), but the  he decided it could work if I changed and we should try again. Thanks to the advice of a good counsellor 2 yrs ago, I finally said no and that we must change together. That didn’t work with him so he demanded I post the divorce paperwork, and now I’m in shock that he could move on do quickly cos he went on a date the day he received the divorce papers (yesterday!).

Sorry for the download/ ramble

I’ve come to this site because I’ve found many threads that strike a chord with our interactions, his behaviours, my behaviours and I’ve come to realise that my world shouldn’t revolve around him, as he expects .

No response required, just happy to have downloaded and have the forum at my fingertips for finding nuggets to help me move forward

Scottie


Title: Re: Looking for advice
Post by: WTL on February 18, 2018, 06:51:10 AM
 

Hi Scottie345! Welcome! I’m sorry you’ve found your way here the way that you did, but you’re at the right place. I’m glad you found us. One thing that really sticks out in your post is that you’re pointing out your behavior as well. Not just his. This is a great thing. I’ll even venture to say that you’re ahead of the game. It took me some time to finally start to look inward. That’s where the true healing and change happens. I’m very sorry that it has come to divorce for you and your husband. How are you feeling about that? How are your kids handling the situation? You’ve come to the right place and we’re glad you’re here. Remember to be kind to yourself.


Title: Re: Looking for advice
Post by: Speck on February 18, 2018, 08:42:21 AM
 

Hello, Scottie345! I wanted to join WTL in welcoming you to the forums!

It sounds like you have been struggling for quite a while. Yes, it is helpful to sound out your feelings in a safe place, one where you're sure to have some understanding and support. This is that place.

When you are able, feel free to share more of your story if you find it helpful. Members here are at all stages of dealing with a loved one who suffers from BPD, so you are bound to find people here who can truly understand where you're coming from.

Excerpt
No response required, just happy to have downloaded and have the forum at my fingertips for finding nuggets to help me move forward.

Yes, we're always open.


-Speck


Title: Re: Looking for advice
Post by: Mutt on February 18, 2018, 03:09:38 PM
Hi Scottie345,

*welcome*

Id like to join WTL and Speck and welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that your circumstances led you here but you're in the right place. I'm glad that you have found us.

Excerpt
I’ve come to this site because I’ve found many threads that strike a chord with our interactions, his behaviours, my behaviours and I’ve come to realise that my world shouldn’t revolve around him, as he expects .

There's a lot of blame shifting on his part in your post. He's projecting his accountability and just wants to continue to be enabled with his behaviours I felt the same way that you did when I first arrived here I couldn't believe how much I saw my own situation in people's posts it was amazing to find others - you're not alone.

Don't worry about rambling usually when we get here we have lot of things on our chests and not many in the real world that truly understand or get what we're going through.


Title: Re: Looking for advice
Post by: Scottie345 on February 18, 2018, 03:20:46 PM
Thanks Speck and WTL,
Great to have such a welcome and know I’m not alone, though I do feel a fraud being here as there is no diagnosis of BPD. Omg, that could never happen, even if he were BPD, as  he won’t even accept that he is insecure.

For along time I thought I was as loopy, thinking something was wrong with me in the fact I set him off so much and often walked on eggshells. I actually found this site 3.5 years ago - he checked  on my phone (!)  and went mad at my “accusation” of BPD. I was only reading about a husband who accused wife of affairs when she travelled with work! Think it hit a raw nerve with him, but  it was so similar to my situation. I caved in for the sake of the Family and  took a different role to avoid the conflict, or so I thought, but here I am again 3.5yrs later. Don’t  get me wrong, we’ve had done great times as well - when it’s going according to his plan or I’m not confronting or disagreeing with him.

Kids are suffering as we haven’t got arrangements sorted yet (he’s renting with uncle and I’m buying him out of house), and he won’t discuss coparenting rules as he thinks it’s an insult to him  (he’s an awesome dad and he stayed at home for 10 yrs brought the kids up while I worked) so one day at a  time with them.

Thanks for the ahead of the game comment - I’m a person who really values feedback to improve and 2 years ago, when our marriage counsellor (I went alone after 1 joint session) told me I needed boundaries and stop being a doormat to his emotions, I started to push back and I was able to see my part in our interactions. Unfortunately that was probably the beginning of our end because I started to say no, which made him feel unloved etc etc.

Thank you thank you thank you for your responses and for the content of this forum- I think I can finally stop my crusade to try and make him see things from my perspective- I never will and  I’ll think I be ok with that

Hugs to all