BPDFamily.com

I am slowing dying and my adult 30 year old daughter has not contacted me in 5 years.

This nightmare is so crushing to me that I am having dark thoughts. I can't live feeling I have no value, no family and no future.

To be so unloved when I devoted my life to caring for others - is too much to bear.

My physical pain is nothing compared to my broken heart. She has put me through thirty years of hell. I was a devoted caring mother to a selfish child who even though she is now an adult, still behaves emotionally as a child. Very odd.

How does one make friends when they are housebound and critically ill?

I am beyond repair in all ways, but I was hoping some kind soul might reach out with an uplifting comment.

Hi missymoo,

It must be devastating to continue to be abandoned by your daughter,  especially if you are terminal.  Does she know? Who do you have a real life to support you?

Turkish

Hi missymoo,

I am really glad you found us here at bpdfamily - you'll find so many people who care and want to offer you support for this horrible time you're going through.

BPD is a very difficult illness to understand. We know from experience that people who suffer from BPD can often seem to have a child-like emotional response. A lot of us here get that, and understand personally how difficult that can be.

Please tell us more about what's going on when you can - we're here to help.

~DaddyBear77

Hi missymoo

I'm sorry sorry for what you're going through, I can really hear your pain and completely understand why you would feel so broken.   It is so heartbreaking for those beautiful babies that we nurtured and loved the whole of their lives (even when we knew they were difficult) to think we don't love and care for them to the point they cut us off.  I too am cut off from my DD27.

You have so much going on right now, and your circumstances have no doubt raised these unresolved issues for you.

Unfortunately, we cannot change our children, only our behavior towards them.  Have you tried reaching out to her, even if it's just a note to let her know you care?  

As Turkish suggests, if possible to surround yourself with the love of other close friends and family and of course as DaddyBear77 says, we are all here to support you and listen to you.  

There is much information on the board to the right, most of which I am also working through and finding very helpful to understand BPD.  Keep coming and sharing and know that we care. Most of all be kind to yourself and know you did the very best you could and were a loving caring mother.

Merlot

Hi missymoo,

I’m very sorry that you are suffering.  . You have found a place of support, caring, and understanding.

Do you have other family or friends whom you can lean on?

Tell us your story. We’re here for you.

heartandwhole

How do I reply to my messages?
Where do I click?
My cognitive ability is poor.
Please be so kind to explain.
Thank you
Missymoo

Hi missymoo,

The easiest way is probably to click on the green text next to your profile name above:

“Show new replies to your posts”

(https://s9.postimg.org/57uurgwwv/Screen_Shot_2018-03-04_at_13.43.38.png)

Eveytime you login, you will see that text and you just have to click on it to see all the replies to your posts.

Give it a try and let me know how it goes.  :)

Your introduction post is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321998.0

So the group doesn't see all my messages and my replies because they are kept private?
Messages are only posted on the site?
So I need to sign in to the web site here to pick up replies?

Hi missymoo,

You must be logged in to see your posts and replies.

Hi Missymoo
Like many on this web site we really do understand your pain my daughter has spent the week end sending me nasty text messages I rang her and she wouldn’t pick up so today I walked around to her house and she was in but wouldn’t answer the door probably because my husband told me to turn off my phone as he said it was making me ill. At the moment I have been ill for a month with a chest infection and I too have  had dark thoughts so I know how you feel. Your daughter can’t help her self it’s her illness. This is a all consuming selfish nasty no sense blame everyone else illness.I hope you can reach out to friend and  family.Everyone   here I’m sure are sending you their love your not alone. I will pray for you and you can message me any time. As for your daughter let her know then it’s up to her.

Dear Missymoo,

It really seems like you are in a really tough place right now, and I can totally understand why you feel the way you do. A broken heart is actually really painful, and most here know or very well remember the physical chest aches that come with having a broken one. I am so sorry you're feeling this way.

If it is difficult for you to go out and find some friends because of being house-bound, then just tune in here. We are your friends and we know you have value... .even if you may have forgotten.

Hang around... .get the support you need.


-Speck

Hello missymoo, I would like to join the others in welcoming you at this extremely difficult time in your life. It takes great courage on your part to reach out and I can see how heartbroken you are. My heart goes out to you. You are going through what I also could potentially have to go through sometime in the future, my uBPD son has been no contact with me for over a year now.

Have you tried reaching out to your daughter?

You ask "How does one make friends when they are housebound and critically ill?"

Missymoo, you can make friends here, there are lots of caring and supportive people on this site, so I urge you to keep posting and sharing, we can all understand what you are going through x

Hi Missymoo,

The thought that occurred to me was maybe the doctor treating you for your illness could refer you to a support group that meets nearby... .so you can connect with others in person.

As so many others have already said you are welcome to hang out with us anytime. |iiii

Take Care, 
Panda39

APART FROM MY ADULT DAUGHTER WITH BPD THAT I DETACHED FROM YEARS AGO, I HAVE ALSO RAISED AN AUTISTIC SON.

HIS FATHER ADORED HAVING A DAUGHTER, BUT HE COULD NOT TOLERATE OUR SON'S FACIAL TICKS AND ODD BEHAVIOR - REFUSING TO ALLOW HIM TO ATTEND A PRIVATE SCHOOL THAT WORKED WITH AUTISTIC CHILDREN. SO HIS FATHER WALKS AWAY FROM HIS SICK CHILD BUT CONTINUES TO LOVE AND FINANCIALLY SUPPORT HIS HEALTHY DAUGHTER.

BEING BULLIED BY BOTH HIS SISTER AND HIS FATHER, MY SON CONTINUED TO DECLINE AND PEAKED AT AGE 21 WITH SEVERE O.C.D., ASPERGER'S, AND DEPRESSION. AT AGE 31 HE HAS STILL NEVER HAD A FRIEND. HIS SISTER REFUSED TO INVITE HIM TO HER BIG UPSCALE WEDDING, SO I DID NOT ATTEND EITHER. EVERY RELATIVE ATTENDED THE BIG WEDDING BASH INCLUDING MY BROTHERS.

NO ONE CALLED ME TO INQUIRE ABOUT MY SON.

SISTER IN LAWS THAT I HAVE KNOWN FOR 20 YEARS HAVE NEVER INVITED HIM OVER TO THEIR FAMILY GATHERINGS. COUSINS OR STEP SIBLINGS REFUSE TO INCLUDE MY SON IN THEIR SOCIAL EVENTS. HE HAS BEEN REJECTED OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN BY THE VERY PEOPLE (HIS OWN FAMILY) THAT SHOULD HAVE SUPPORTING HIM. NEVER A BIRTHDAY CARD OR A PHONE CALL FOR THIS POOR KID.

SURE HE HAS BEEN RIDICULED, BEATEN TO A PULP, MUGGED AND HUMILIATED ON SOCIAL MEDIA BUT THOSE WERE IGNORANT STRANGERS.

NOT ONE FAMILY MEMBER AT MY DAUGHTER'S WEDDING CARED TO GET INVOLVED. SO THEY DANCED THE NIGHT AWAY, ENJOYED THEIR FINE WINE AND CHOSE NOT TO GET INVOLVED - AFTER ALL, NONE OF THEIR KIDS HAVE PROBLEMS... .

MY OWN BROTHERS NEVER BOTHERED TO STAND BY ME OR TAKE A STAND AND SPEAK UP FOR MY KID. THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE ATTENDED, DON'T YOU AGREE? NOT ONE GUEST OUT OF 200 PEOPLE CARED TO ASK "WHERE'S J"?

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK, PLEASE.

Missymoo,

Wow. That's quite a heartbreaking story. I would imagine that both of you have felt quite let down by the very people that you expected to rally around you in both your and your sons lives.

I, myself, felt raised by wolves, so I can truly understand the total disconnect from what "ought to be" from "what is" when it comes to unhealthy family dynamics. I am so sorry this has been your experience. It is very isolating.

I have since learned that there are no real shoulds in life... .there's just what is. Some people just do not have the capacity to love properly. My ability to cope with this reality has improved over time, but it still stinking hurts.

Keep writing... .keep processing. There are so many people here that understand the pain inflicted by impaired or hateful family members. We're glad you're here.


-Speck

Missymoo, I feel so sorry for you, the pain must be unbearable when members of your own family treat you the way that yours have. The thing is, they are responsible for themselves, they make their own choices, good or bad, hurtful or kind. You have no control over what they think or do. You were obviously very hurt that your brothers didn’t stand by you as you had hoped that they would.

You should be so proud of yourself raising your autistic son, my grandson has autism so I know how challenging that can be. Is your son able to live independently?

Please take good care of yourself and keep posting, we are here for you x

Hi Missymoo

I can't add anything new but I just wanted to say I feel your pain of being estranged from your adult daughter as I am as well. Your situation makes it so much worse, I can't imagine what I would do in your situation. Look after yourself, make time for things you want to do. I wish you all the best.

Hi Missymoo  


What do I think, I think you are an amazing, strong, caring mother. We're all in the same boat here, we care for our vulnerable children, we are doing our very best and you certainly have, you've never given up on your son! This Sunday here in the UK is Mothers Day, so watch out for an upcoming post and join us celebrating you, us, together.  

For your family members to turn their back on your son is heartbreaking, are your brothers in contact with you at this time, you are terminal and much to sort through, is this their wake up moment to feel and be responsible for you and your son's wellbeing. I hope so.

WDx

WE READ ABOUT EVIL, WE WATCH IT ON TV AND ALLOW IT TO INVADE OUR LIVES THROUGH SOCIAL MEDIA. POLITICS AND RELIGION. YET WHEN YOU RAISE YOUR CHILD WITH LOVE AND GOOD INTENTION, YOU NEVER EXPECT TO END UP WITH A MONSTER.

ONE WOULD NEVER CONSIDER THAT THEIR VERY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD COULD RUIN YOUR LIFE, BREAK YOU INTO A MILLION PIECES AND LEAVE YOU EMOTIONALLY FRACTURED.

MY ANGER HAS NEVER SUBSIDED EVEN THOUGH WE HAVEN'T SPOKEN IN YEARS. WHEN TOLD BY FRIENDS TO REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES, I CAN'T. THERE NEVER WERE ANY. SHE DISPLAYED SUCH BITTERNESS AND SO MUCH ANGER,

HOW DO YOU LOVE A PIECE OF ICE?

HOW DO YOU TELL PEOPLE THAT YOUR CHILD ABUSED YOU ALL YOUR LIFE?

YOU ARE SO SEVERELY BROKEN. BY YOUR KID, THEN A TEENAGER, AND FINALLY AS AN ADULT. NO GLUE CAN KEEP YOU WHOLE. NO ONE STICKS UP FOR YOU AND "TELLS HER OFF" AND HER MINION OF HATERS JUST GROW MORE IN SIZE. THEY PLAY THE VICTIM AND IF YOU DON'T PLAY ALONG, THEY MAKE YOU ONE.

MISSYMOO

Hello again missymoo,

The more you share the more deeply I understand the immense pain you must be going through. This is such a difficult, painful situation to be in. I can't imagine what it's like. I am just in the early stages of raising my own daughter, and the thought of things turning out the way they did for you, I am at a loss for words.

You ask, how do you tell people... .have you told anyone how much you've been abused? Have you shared this with anyone in your life? This is a safe place and we're here to listen if you'd like to share.

Hi Missymoo I’m glad to see you sharing your thoughts with us, I hope that in itself brings you some relief from the deep pain that you are enduring. Keep sharing with us, we are with you x

QUESTION: 
WHEN THE ETERNAL SCAPEGOAT HAS PULLED OUT AND DETACHED, ARE THEY THEN FORCED TO SELECT A NEW VICTIM TO BLAME FOR THEIR MISERY?

FOLKS, THIS IS NOT AUTISM WE ARE DEALING WITH. THIS IS BAD BEHAVIOR THAT CONTINUES UNLESS YOU COMPLETELY PULL OUR OF THE PICTURE.
OTHERWISE, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A TARGET FOR HER RAGE.

SO AFTER 30 YEARS OF BLAMING ONE PERSON, DO THEY APPOINT A NEW SCAPEGOAT BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO BLAME FOR THEIR IMPLIED "SUFFERING"?
IS THERE ALWAYS A TARGET, SO THEIR BEHAVIOR CAN CONTINUE?

IS THIS NEW NOMINEE AND CANDIDATE NECESSARY FOR THE BPD
TO LIVE WITH HERSELF?
OTHERWISE, SHE MIGHT HAVE TO LOOK INTO THE MIRROR.
CARRYING A HEAVY LOAD OF BRICKS ALL YOUR LIFE, REGARDLESS OF EMOTION, YOU WILL HAVE TO EVENTUALLY PUT IT DOWN.
WHO ELSE WOULD CARRY IT FOR YOU ANYWAYS - RIGHT.

MISSYMOO

Hi missymoo

Unfortunately, without therapy, I think the answer to your question is yes.

I am am dealing with a similar scenario with my DD27 who, instead of being able to problem solve, unraveled emotionally into a violent rage at my husband and myself over a relatively minor issue, and was told to calm down.  Through our learning, we now understand that that art of validation has more power to de-conflict than having a "normal" reaction.

Unfortunately, this event has resulting in being cut off from her and my GD1 - so difficult as the punishment does not fit the crime.  She has taken no responsibility and by making us the targets and the "wrongdoers", she completely absolves herself from having to make changes.  The pattern of behaviour is one of begging for forgiveness for all our sins... .you're so right... .it is a heavy load indeed.  However, on a positive note, so much of the learning about BPD and how we respond is helping me to become less upset and anxious.

I hope you are doing ok, I know this is very hard for you. 

Merlot

HI Missymoo

I don’t think they need to seek out a new victim to blame for their misery and it doesn’t matter whether we are still alive or not, if they believe that we have caused all their pain and suffering they will always believe it, unless they are prepared to seek help for themselves.
The fact that you have detached yourself from the rages doesn’t necessarily mean that she will look for someone else to rage at, she might do, but my guess is she will probably continue to tell whoever will listen what a bad mother you are. That is just my opinion, others may see things differently.

I have yet to meet another parent whose adult daughter has BPD
nor a parent who has an Autistic son. I have both and would love to chat by phone to any parent who has walked in my shoes. All the members have experienced the same situations.
This is a great site and I want to respect the rules.
I am home bound in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.
Please PM me if you are able to talk.
Thank you
Missymoo

Freda,

I can identify with you completely.
I am a 60 year old Jewish mother of a 30 year old BPD daughter.
You have walked in my shoes and I in yours.
All of us members are connected by the same bond.
I find this site quite heart warming and your comments important.

Be well,
Missymoo

Hi Missymoo

Just wondering how you are doing today x

Hi MissyMoo

As FB say's we are wondering how you are today, we are all thinking of you, our community here.

I'm not sure if you've heard about 'Meet Up'? I found one in Toronto for you, where you can meet real people. I'm sure they'd be willing and able to assist you for a physical meet up.

https://www.meetup.com/Toronto-Borderliners-Family-and-Friends/

I'd be more than happy to contact them for them to reach out to you, if you see this maybe helpful to you. Good idea?

WDx

I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you because I can only imagine what you are going through. My D32, has been the same. She went through a bad relationship (several actually) but ended up divorced with three children. We didn't know what were dealing with and moved her closer to us to help. It's been a nightmare since then. Alternating between adoring us for helping her and hating us for not doing more. I almost died during surgery last summer and really got to the point that I didn't are. I hope that you have love and support elsewhere. You deserve that! Please continue to share with us. We really do care.