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Nursing home just called.  My mom was sent to the hospital with an infection due to an elevated WBC. I normally get my kids tomorrow for the weekend.  A guy at work is out due  to his MIL at 92 having pneumonia.  I've been picking up his work.  I'm going on at 7 tomorrow.  I'll call back then.  Going to sleep soon.  110 miles away. I should be there. I've taken so much time of work this month due to D5 and me having the flu then strep throat. Then S8 had a minor infection on his privates. Another day off to take him to the doctor. We are always under threats of layoffs.  Kids? Work? Mom?  

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Mod note: This thread was split from Mother Now In Skilled Care Facility Permanently (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=320888.0)

Oh that's tough, Turkish, I'm sorry to hear that your mom is in the hospital.

You are only one man and sound stretched very thin. Maybe it's best to take it one step at a time. Once you call and assess the situation, you can think over your options.

I understand your feeling that you should be there. It's how I felt about my dad when he was declining rapidly, and I was a continent away. Your mom is in a safe place and receiving care. I hope that is at least some comfort.

Keep us posted.

heartandwhole

She's in ICU but doing ok.  They won't tell me more due to privacy laws and I can't prove who I am over the phone.  I'll call back later as she can give verbal consent when she wakes up from sleep. 

So sorry Turkish.  Not sure what else to say except to ditto what heartandwhole already said.  Don't forget to breathe.

The nursing home called too and talked about money again and charges for a bed hold. 

You are not responsible for paying Turkish.  Sign nothing.  Commit to nothing.  

Has your moms application for medi-Cal been processed yet?  I would refer all inquiries to whoever handled that (I think it was the SW).

   

Have you tried posting on the legal boards here?  There are some great and reasonable minds over there!

 

Edit:  "bed hold"?  Say nothing.  She is in the hospital for now and is safe and being cared for.  Can't find info as of yet.  Bulldinky!

Read this (edit 2):
www.ltcombudsman.org/uploads/files/library/state-bedhold-chart-oct2012.pdf

Hey Turkish,

Isn't it ironic how we each go from recovery in one area to another, then another? Just when one starts to get a little comfortable in saying we know how to do this, then something like this challenge comes along. Hold on tight, keep reaching out and forget that waif stuff that wolves like to do and hide in their dens. We're good at listening and our advice is free!  :)

Prayers for your mom.

 
Wools

Turkish:
I believe your mom was to be signed up for Medi-Cal.  The following link and excerpted info. might be helpful regarding bed holds.  The link at the start of the quote leads to additional links.  The additional links lead to government websites where you could probably check to see if the info quoted is current or whether is is superseded by a updated doc.

A lung doctor called me today.  He shared everything.  

My mom is stable,  but mostly sleeping and hardly. Her WBC has come down.  X-ray showed something on her lung. I told him she was a life long smoker, but when admitted to the nursing home,  I put non smoker since my mom seemed to have forgotten.  I told him about the reduced mental state and also the black mold conditions in her home.  He said he'd read her chart and saw COPD, and wondered why she wasn't on blood thinners,  then he discussed the risks.  He said he saw "dementia" on her chart, and I filled him in about her BPD and in my opinion it was hard to determine. I said she was in a hoarding situation and that when she war living with me two years ago she made criminal accusations against me,  but that I saw her a month a ago and she had forgotten.  He seemed sympathetic, unlike the doctors that my mom as an RN used to complain about.  

He said they weren't sure that this episode wasn't triggered by food going down the path to her lungs.  The thing they saw on her lung indicated fluid. He was going to insert a needle to draw fluid for a test. He apprised me of the risks,  which were minimal,  but there.  

They only have her on IV. It's too risky to insert a feeding tube.  Two days no real food now.  He discussed hospice, I think because it is possibly an option soon if they can't feed her.  We discussed the DNR. He shared the story of his father in a similar situation,  though his father was mentally sound. I appreciated it.  So this is where it is.  

I get the kids Wednesday and Thursday and Friday during the day. Friday I need to watch them,  no coverage.  My numbers at work this month are terrible due to flu and strep between me and my daughter,  but I'll take off if I have to. 

Turkish, thanks for updating. That doctor sounds like a good guy and competent.

The situation with your mom sounds very similar to what happened with my dad. There were some back and forth between the nursing home and the hospital due to infections.

How does your mom react when she sees you?

heartandwhole

She was OK when I saw her a month ago.  The last week she was with us two years ago,  she was in my face waving her calendar and threatening me with getting a lawyer.  That's forgotten. On both sides.  "Sometimes the strong are chosen to protect the weak," as my T told me two years ago,  talking about both my mom and maybe my ex. 

My mom was discharged from ICU yesterday.  They are making arrangements to transfer her back to the nursing home.  The nurse commented that she was confused. When I saw her last month she was,  but I expected worse based upon all their descriptions.  Maybe I'm used to it?

I'm going to do a day trip Easter Sunday to visit her, hopefully back at the home.  There and back again.  I don't want to drive over 200 miles round trip,  but it's the right thing to do. 

I hear you, Turkish. I suspect, and hope, you'll be glad you did, even though this is very difficult.

Hi wolfish  (this is a very discrete parrot hug by the way  )

Just want to say I'm glad your mom has been discharged from ICU.

I hope your trip to see her Sunday goes well and I commend you for continually doing what you believe is the right thing to do |iiii

The Board Parrot has got your back!

I dropped my ex and the kids at the airport tonight for their Disney world trip.  My car has a suspension issue (I just had them replace something last week and it's still thunking... .they shall observed no cotter pin on... , something I forget, that would have been bad). I'm taking it back in the morning,  but they are booked.  I hope they have a loaner.  I had planned on working a half day tomorrow too. I decided to go up next weekend since I'll have the kids.  A day trip will be long with the kids,  but it will be good for them and my mom.  We pray for her. 

They called me tonight and she's back at the nursing home.  They told me that I have to resign medical stuff again. The hospital called me earlier and they said verbal approval for billing vis-a-vis medicare needed my "signature," so they could bill the government.

We were on the freeway.  My ex heard 2/3 calls.  I'll give her credit for asking me about how I felt about my mom.  Being me,  I responded factually. I guess this was one thing that used to drive her crazy about me. 

D5 started crying and saying how much she'd miss me as I pulled into the departures curb.  Poor girl.  I picked her up, kissed and hugged her tight.  They'll have fun. 

You are a good dad and son, Turkish. I know it's hard for you to absorb that, but in your factual way, perhaps you can look afford that way.  :) Hugs for you.   You'll miss them too.

They called me tonight to tell me she fell during dinner.  She wasn't on a walker but the pneumonia must have made her weaker. She hit her head but they are keeping an eye on it.  I told them we'd be up next weekend to visit. 

Sorry to hear that about your mom. It's always a bit scary when old (or young) people fall, cause you never know how they are going to land. A lot has been going on with your mother lately, I hope her head will be ok

So how's the leader of the wolf pack doing now that the little wolves are on the Disney trip with ma Wolf?

Hi Turkish.  I am sorry to hear about your mom but when I think about it, between the infection and now this fall plus all her confusion, I thank God she is in a nursing home where she has people to care for her and help her. 

I prefer to think of her as Ma Bear. Different species  :)

Took the car into the shop yesterday. Needs suspension stuff. Special order. Taking it back Wednesday to replace so I'll be golden for the drive.  

Went to church then work.  No word from the kids.  I could call but I'll let them enjoy their vacation.  :)id yard work.  Piles of laundry need to be folded,  but why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? 5 more nights alone... .feels weird.

Yeah Harri. Better than her Hoard House with animal waste and black mold,  collapsing.  Good luck to the new owners!

I too, am glad that your mom is safe. It can help you to relax a bit while you think about folding all that laundry.

 :)
Wools

I see... .yeah that can complicate things :)

Sometimes it does work out though:
Friendship Between Wolf And Bear Documented By Finnish Photographer (https://www.boredpanda.com/bear-friend-wolf-lassi-rautiainen/)

Lol!

I saw a tv show with something similar between a polar bear and an arctic wolf.

The trip the week before last was aborted due to D5 throwing up and having a fever her mom told me the morning I was picking them up. I won't be able to bring them until the weekend after next. 

The facility called me twice on the past week.  My mom fell and hit her head.  She is ok,  but it's still concerning. I'm unsure about investigating if I can transfEr her to where I am rather than over 2 hours away. Even on Medicare or medicaid, it's likely a thousand dollars more expensive per month in the bay area. 

She fell again?  Now is the time to request a balance assessment.  Sometimes meds can help but often physical therapy can be a huge help as well.  The PT can also do a fall risk assessment.  Do not let them shrug it off as her "being old" and it is often something that is highly treatable. 

Moving her closer to you is certainly worth looking into.  If the facility is on assignment with Medicare and Medicaid there should not be a problem.  Wait... .has she qualified for medi cal yet?  she may need to spend all her savings first but after that check the federal poverty level (FPL) guidelines.  Medicare eligibility is 138% of FPL https://www.peoplekeep.com/blog/2017-federal-poverty-level-guidelines

That should say MEDICAID not medicare.

Ooops.

Hello Turkish, I'm sorry to hear about your Mom. Prayers for you on how you are juggling everything. I hope things will stabilized soon.                                                                                        I myself have a BPDMom and she has had health problems at 73 years old. She's mentally there so she is very tough to deal with even when she is having health problems (a few life threatening). God bless you for being there for your Mom even if it's hard.

My mom's SSI puts her just over the federal poverty threshold.  Thanks for the link Harri. I think she still will qualify for Medi-Cal  (our version of Medicaid).

Someone from the facility emailed me this afternoon.  She sent me an invoice for ~$10k. She said that they couldn't get her debit card to work.  Declined.

I told her that I had no legal authority over my mom's finances, then tossed it into her court,  and asked what they did in situations like this. Depending upon her reply, I might call my mom's old APS social worker in the original county for advice.  Even if a small town,  I don't think that visiting the bank in person will be fruitful at this point. 

You are welcome!

Good job putting the ball back in their court.  I think talking with the original SW is a good idea.  Leave it to them to sort out payment issues including talking with the bank.  You have nothing to do with that so yes, leave it to them.

I would pursue getting her on Medi-cal if that process has not begun yet.  Do you know the status? 

They were helping her apply, but if the state audits her funds, it will be rejected, hence burning down her account, then applying. Maybe I should suggest sending a debt collector after her account? Just kidding, but it's a thought.  I totally get that they need to be paid,  but they should tell me what to do,  yes?

I would think they would tell you what to do but, being always suspicious of health facilities and insurance companies, I would trust them to focus on what is in their best interest, not mine (yours or your moms).  Cynical of me?  yes!  Realistic?  I hope not.  Sorry, not being much help here.  Just keep being careful!  Ask questions.  Sign nothing.  Keep throwing the ball back in their court as you have been doing. 

The nursing supervisor called me this afternoon.  They want my permission to put my mom on a mood stabilizer.  I asked what was going on.  To keep her from lashing out and yelling.  I wish I were closer.  I think I could help,  maybe.  The current plan after the aborted trip last month is to drive up there with my kids the weekend after mother's day,  so in two weekends.  My sure what to expect, but I'll get my kids out of there quickly if it's bad.  I like to think it won't be based upon our last visit,  but I can't expect that. 

I'm not anxious, just sad. I'm also sad for my kids, but they have good memories of her from when she lived with us.  Unlike my mom who easy overshared when I was little and beyond,  I won't shatter their view of her by telling them age-inappropriate truths. No way in hell will I place that burden upon them. 

Hi Wolfish

Monitoring things from afar can be difficult. Did the nursing supervisor also mention to whom your mother is lashing out and yelling? Did this happen after your mother fell and hit her head or did something (else) perhaps happen in the nursing home which might have triggered her?


Yep, and like I said back then, what you did by taking your mother in was very important. Not only did you quite literally probably saved her life by getting her out there before the extreme cold hit, you also gave your little ones the chance to have lasting memories of their grandmother. And there's also the little Chihuahua of course :) You mentioned before still looking for a sense of family, but at least for your little ones you created a sense of family here

The Board Parrot

I too wish you were closer as it would be easier for you in terms of time and peace of mind.  You said you think you might be able to help.  Help with what?

I didn't ask for specifics. I should have. 

I could help by visiting more so my mom wouldn't feel so abandoned. I didn't emancipate myself at 16 and be independent my whole life only to be stuck in a home with no freedom.  I can't imagine how she feels.  I certainly wouldn't like it. 

Okay, I understand you wanting to help with that.  I too can't imagine being in a nursing home after being so fiercely independent for so long.  Your mom certainly was/is a fighter and strong in so many ways.  Remarkable really.  One note, and you can tell me to shut it, she is not "stuck" in a home even tho she may feel like that.  She is where she needs to be at this point in her life. 

Does she have room for personal belongings?  If she doesn't already have one, how about a picture of you with your kids that she can have close?  Phone calls?  Is she good with technology?  Would she be able to do skype calls with you and the kids?  The kids can draw pictures and snail mail them to her.  it would be a lovely surprise for her.

None of those things will necessarily help completely but they might help her feel less cut off until she can maybe be moved closer. 

 My mom was a technology waif in the best of times.  She fled a local class given by a guy who "could train anybody" and specialized with the elderly.  My mom's BPD didn't help. 

I had thought about bringing pictures of the kids.  Good idea.

That's a great idea indeed! |iiii

If things go well, maybe you could also make a family foto of you, your kids and your mom together. Three generations of the wolf pack :)

LOL at technology waif!  Oh how I wish I could go in a nursing home and volunteer to help the folks make skype calls to their family!  I wonder if the activities director would hire me?  haha

I definitely like Parrots idea of a generational photo!  :)efinitely though make sure you include yourself in whatever picture you bring!   What about music she can listen to?  Maybe not an ipod but if you could find a cd player or something she may have used long ago?  I know music can do wonders with the moods of elderly people... .anyone really.  

Okay, I am going to stop before I go overboard with suggestions!  

Don't poke the wolf!