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Is it common for a person with BPD to do something that is embarrassing to them, or that they feel is "wrong" or "bad", and then instead of dealing with the resulting situation, they instead fabricated some sort of alternate reality where they find some sort of reason to become angry - simply as a way to avoid admitting what they did or didn't do?    Like they forget to do something that they promised, and instead of simply apologizing, they find a reason to have a big argument, ending up with them "not speaking", thus avoiding any sort of accountability?    It occurs to me that such is exactly how my friend is behaving and I'm wondering if it's part of the condition?

Hi,

It would surprise me. 

It's a serious mental illness.

I don't have any experience w what you are describing, maybe someone here does... .

Share more when you can, is your person diagnosed BPD.

There is experience, strength, and hope here.

This is a caring community.

Best,  juju

You probably already know that pwBPD have chronic feelings of shame, some experts say that BPD is a shamed based disorder. Shame is a powerful emotion can you imagine walking around feeling like you’re defective, pwBPD have intense emotions and will change reality or dissociate to match their out of place feelings. I can see a pwBPD altering reality to cope with feelings of embarrassment.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Dissociation and Dysphoriaq (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68392.0)

This would play in to the black and white thinking wouldn't it? If they admit wrongdoing then they see themselves as all bad, which is to be avoided at all costs.

Sometimes it's even just flat out refusing to acknowledge their actions without creating extra drama to justify the outcome they need to feel better about themselves. My pwBPD reported her entire team to HR for bullying her. Once they were all cleared several of them, understandably, wanted some answers. She denied it was anything to do with her, ran to the toilet, stayed there for an hour, and then went home "sick". To this day she's never acknowledged what she put those people through. She even called them mean when they said they didn't want to be friends with her afterwards.

Very very much so.

My D9 summed this up rather well when we were discussing in the car the other day with D7.

Enabler - Am I good at taking responsibility for when I do things wrong... .mess up... .you know?

D9 / 7 - Yes Daddy, you're very good at that

Enabler - How good are you at taking responsibility for your mistakes?

D9 - Ohhhh not very good, like yesterday when I got out the bath and whacked my toe on the toilet, I was so angry I blamed D7... .

All - chuckle chuckle

Enabler - that's perfectly normal D9, often when we feel bad things we don't like to take responsibility for it and we blame other people. It's not a good thing to do and it's far far better if we take responsibility for the mistakes we make. Just because we do 'a thing' wrong does mean we're bad or wrong.

D9 - Mummy is really really bad at that. She shouts at us every day that we're not ready for school, but it's because it takes her so long to get ready, we're always late for school... .don't tell mummy I told you that will you... .


A person suffering core shame https://bpdfamily.com/content/shame-powerful-painful-and-potentially-dangerous-emotion for an extended period of time will develop defense mechanisms to protect themselves from the bad feelings of shame. To the point where they may not even acknowledge their own mistakes and instead make up an alternative fantasy which changes their reality to the point where they are no longer "wrong". In much the same way that D9 blamed D7 for her stubbed toe even though D7 was nowhere to be seen to avoid the feeling that she had kicked the toilet in her OWN stupidity, adults may well invent very elaborate stories (which they believe) to explain away events in a manner such that they suffer no feelings of shame. e.g.

"I'm so busy all the time running around after the kids and doing stuff around the house, I'm always busy doing things for other people" ... .you went for a 2hr run this morning and spent 2.25hrs on the phone to your lover, no wonder you have run out of time to do anything today. The little lies we all tell ourselves (but consciously know the truth) are exaggerated by pwBPD to the point where they believe the lies and live as though they are true... ."I am abused", "You are controlling", "You're threatening", "You abuse the kids", "You're a coercive controller"... .It can get pretty extreme and gets worse and worse the bigger the cause of the shame is.

Yes, a "classic" behavior of pw/BPD.

Can also be perceived as childlike behavior... ."S1-why did you hit your sister?"... ."S1-because she took my cookie!"... ."S2-why did you take your sisters cookie?"... ."S2-because she (S1) ate mine!"... .so S1 sister gets mad at other sibling S2 sister for "telling on her (JADE) to mum/dad/authority figure (HR person)"... .

*blame
*projection
*splitting

S1 becomes the victim in her mind (inability to process), and acts out, and negates (in her mind) the behaviors she perpetrated upon S2 that brought S2 into the pic to begin with... .

So what "worked" when pw/BPD was nine, still works when pw/BPD is forty-nine, wash rinse and repeat... .

I got a hundred of these stories !

Red5