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Its been a strange day for me today.

A new emotion came from nowhere, this overwhelming sense of peace. The antonym of chaos. Something that I could relate far better to.

I cant remember the last time I ever truly felt it, not even the times I spent walking in some beautiful places in this world, but not feeling it within.

Of all the things that I got from my ex that at the time I felt I craved. There was never a single moment that I genuinely felt this sense of being at peace with myself.

I realise this now and im hoping for more of the same, I wonder if in the midst of a feeling of loss, there comes an unexpected gain.

At least it felt this way today and for all the adrenaline rush that chaos could make me feel alive, it couldnt compare to this newfound feeling of being able to, relax the shoulders, enjoy the world for all its peculiarities, different personalities and not feel threatened, in fear of fear itself and realise that there is huge value in being content and not longing for that which causes unsettlement.

for all the adrenaline kick that chaos can give, I will trade that for the blissfulness of peace any time. For anyone else seeking this, or who also has missed out on it like myself, Id really recommend it, I forgot for so long what I was missing out on.

perhaps it explains why I remembered on this wonderful day, my ex, and the thought came as to why did it have to take the removal of this person from my life, to achieve this, and I think its because we all have to want to find our own peace, trade chaos and drama for it, and work towards achieving it.

Thank you for those who helped me on the way and I hope anyone who is struggling to find it, that they will get to that stage, and I didnt know how much I was missing out on. I also hope that my ex will one day find the same as that level of torture I saw inside of her, which I wasnt able to soothe and help her find peace, I feel guilty to have left her behind in that state and to achieved it myself. She became a soothing balm for my tortured soul, but only for the torture to return and the desperation to seek the balm to be reapplied.

searched for so long to find other people as the source of my happiness.

I thought my ex held this key, and that I held hers, but happiness cannot exist without peace as its foundational base. Not for me anyway, and any happiness that my ex got through the chaos was short-lived.

 I wish I could have had a day like this, together, to convince her, to show her my sense of peace and how to reach it, for I never got to see or share this with her.

for the moment im just trying to enjoy the novelty of it all for myself and only feel a bit selfish for it.

wishing peace every day for all those who seek for it.

Cromwell

Hello again, Cromwell:


Yes, I would think that this is the ideal. I am so glad you had a day like today! What you're describing here, Cromwell, is a sense of well-being. The idea now is to take your gains and add to them.

I, too, understand what you mean by this thread, and whenever I have a little victory, I go place it on an imaginary mantle. A healing mantle, if you will. Hopefully, my "wins" will be so great one day that the mantle starts to bow a little bit, and maybe even crash to the floor scattering all my personal little victories everywhere. But it'll be okay, because, by then, I won't need an imaginary healing mantle. No, by then, a strong sense of wellbeing will become a way of life.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning... .

You're doing great!  |iiii


-Speck

Hello Cromwell, I have had glimpses of that peace.  I'm not there yet.  Looking forward to it.  Thanks for sharing!

WW

I told my friend in late November that I made peace with her.

We taked on the phone for 30 minutes - it was a good talk with no issues talking about her problems.

After that call she didn't reply to any text messages.
This NC and ST went on until recently.

No since I deleted everything about her and I got a new phone number. I start feeling my peace again.
That poor sick woman... .

Hey there Cromwell,


I join Speck and Wentworth in saying   to you. Its really great to see how much you've been reflecting on your personal experience which has in some ways brought you to the place you are in right now. Perhaps more than underestimating the value of Peace, I think you're discovering and appreciating what you had prior to the relationship now that your in a "post-relationship" season and position.

Many would say that retrospect and hindsight is always 100%, but it is precisely because you've learnt and you've grown, you've "crossed a bridge" in that sense where processing in reflection brings about new insight. I am glad that you've found yourself a bearing and in that sense, am "re-centering" yourself again. I both applaud and encourage you to stay the course in your journey to full recovery.

As for myself, and appreciating peace. After a period of NC for over a 100 days, my sub consciousness and consciousness seems more "relaxed". I am relieved i don't have to deal with the mental strain of when i was in the relationship with my uBPDexGF. But certainly as you say, and what Wentworth echoes. I am experiencing a new paradigm toward peace. But yet at the same time, not everyday is smooth sailing and i do, miss my ex.

So, Cromwell i wish you all the best and we're still here to hear you out and respond when you need us.

Takecare,
Spero.

Cromwell, I'm so pleased to hear that you've found the value of peace.  After having lots of unease it's such a blessing to relax and feel calm ease once again.  That moment for me was a milestone.  This is the start of a new chapter for you in your healing journey and you are holding the pen.   |iiii


This reminds me of a photograph my ex took of me when I was meditating in my yoga gear early in our r/s.  I'd had no idea he'd taken it until he showed me later and explained how he felt it was his favourite because he was captivated by the way I was totally at peace.  He seemed to admire the ability to achieve that state and I remember feeling deeply sad that he seemed unable to get anywhere close to that.  Perhaps the best we can hope for is the calm after the storm, for ourselves and maybe some day for our ex partners too, if they decide to make the brave step towards change. 

Love and light x