BPDFamily.com

Well, it has been years since I posted. I went back to read my posts six months or so ago. That was painful. So much has happened since I last posted. In 2014, BPDh abruptly moved out. What a painful experience yet, I finally had peace. No rage and I no longer lived in fear. I could bar the doors even though he had a key. Life was great. But I missed him. It is so painful to realize this illness is incurable. It is only managed. Two psychiatric interventions for suicidal ideations (intensive outpatient then inpatient), an affair (new and horrid experience), and back surgery since 2012 and he moved out in 2014. He has been finally managed almost a year now. He has been around the house beginning from his last psychiatric admission. Helping in ways he never has before. But the affair and the realization this will never be gone has my head spinning. I feel so alone. I feel such pain because I only want someone in my life I can trust and who loves me unconditionally. As much as he may be better, he will never be able to give me what I need since he is always trying to keep his head above water. How do I let go? Can I let go? Do I want to let go? Will I ever be truly happy knowing I won't ever get what I need. I just cannot stand the lies. They are nonstop. The flirtatiousness. The drama that has yet to cease in many life areas. The insecurity and instability he brings. I have used so many techniques for myself. I feel at this point I need to decide. But it is the greatest fear and hurdle I have ever faced. Any insight or knowledge that I am not alone would be much appreciated

Hey nosuchdragon, I suggest you focus on yourself and your needs.  You have posed a number of good questions that, I would suggest, only you can answer.  What can you do, just for yourself?  Have you considered seeing a T?  Have you tried writing in a journal?  Do you have a close friend or family member with whom you can confide?  A lot of us here, including me, have been through this difficult process, so you are definitely not alone.  Perhaps you have a gut feeling about where things are headed in your marriage?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

You aren't alone.

I am separated for 13 months, he is dx BPD, untreated.

He just told me last month, his new psychiatrist says he has PTSD, not BPD.

I know he has BPD.  He is high functioning.

There is help, hope and healing here, j

Thank you for the replies. Sorry I do not know how to reply separately. I've been off of here a long time.

Lucky Jim: I am doing a great deal for myself right now. I am bettering myself to position myself financially for my child and I. More opportunities. I am pursuing a certification which will allow me to be more independent. I do have close friends. I do journal. I do realize my gut tells me something I have always been fearful of. Being without BPDh. Ironically, I have always been without him. I have always been alone but in my mind I have always leaned on him in a sense. It makes no sense.

Juju2: I realize I am not alone. I can completely relate to the high functioning aspect you describe too! It is tough.

Thank you again!

nosuchdragon, I also have a high-functioning H who is uBPD/uNPD.  He has a high-responsibility job.  The face he shows to neighbors and his coworkers is a different one he reserves for me alone.

There is a workbook by Lundy Bancroft, a therapist/counselor who deals with abusive relationships entitled, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"  It is a companion book of his, "Why Does He Do That?  Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men."  Although not specifically addressing BPD or NPD, the book deals with the dynamics of emotional (and also physical) abuse perpetrated by pwBPD.

You might want to read the workbook to help you sort out a decision to leave for good.  I am at that point myself.

And, no, you are not alone.  I have felt the way you feel numerous time, and sometimes still do.     I had to come to the realisation that my H is a very sick man.  I have looked at his FOO and all the signs are there.

It's not easy to leave a relationship when the dynamics have a hold of us.  If you read this presentation, it talks about the "Jekyll and Hyde" aspect of abusers--just as we know happens in the splitting of pw BPD.  It also advises not to attend joint sessions with a spouse as abuse issues are separate from ordinary marital issues.

https://www.ecok.edu/sites/default/files/siteContent/administration/centers-programs/brandon-whitten-institute/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That.pdf