BPDFamily.com

 Hi all

thank you all again for all of your help past and future

i am always trying to learn more about BPD in order to help my girlfriend an understand the things that she is unable to communicate to me.

I read a post on here recently (apologies i have lost it so i cant credit the original poster) it was in response to a thread asking for help with a housework situation, and i have also struggled with a similar situation, and fits in to my question... .the post that interested me talked about blame avoidance and how it is a big part of BPD and the thought process.

my question is how far does this extend? could the pwBPD detect blame in any conversation that has negative connotations?

eg... .if i said...

"i need to be careful with money this week as i haven't got much left and i have overspent"

would the pwBPD the hear/feel... .

"i have spent too much money and it is your fault for making me take you places, and i blame you" an consequently down a mental flow chart/thought process of all of the ways that they have done wrong and i must hate them (which is not the case at all)


for purposes of my question the above example/analogy can extend to any situation like this... .

apologies if this is an obvious question, i feel this could be something i should have realised along time ago, but this could help with communication with my Girlfriend and i am very interested in the difference between a statement made/what is said and what the pwBPD would feel/hear and what people have to say


thank you all
 

Yes, from personal experience I think this is something that's entirely possible.

During my last conversation with my pwBPD I told her how isolated the unsociable hours I work were making me feel, and also that I felt a bit jealous about how easily others can arrange things with their friends. A statement entirely about me and how my situation was making me feel.
She took it to mean that I wanted her to stop going out entirely to make me feel better, called me selfish, gave me the silent treatment for a month afterwards, and then blocked me out of the blue.
I had exactly the same conversation with two other non BPD friends, and their responses were empathetic and understanding, instead of twisting it to be about them.

I think how receptive they are is dependent on their mood/feelings/things outside of the relationship etc, as there have been other times I've told her how I was feeling about things and she didn't explode at me.

Hi Beren2016. I'd like to elaborate on CMJ's excellent thought. I've recently become more aware of my wife's "BPD cycle" and how her responses to certain questions / topics may be very different at different times. Though it's not 100% consistent, my wife tends to move in one to two week cycle's in terms of episodes, being normal and sweet until something suddenly explodes when she needs it to. I believe when she's in the ready to be triggered phase, just about anything could do it as long as the timing is right (last time it was a cake I didn't buy her). When she's at a low trigger phase, I can ask for something big, such as her taking care of the kids one extra night so I can join a music class, with no bad reaction whatsoever. Problem is we rarely know what phase they are in.

Everyone is different and this might not describe your gf at all. And it's great of you to make every effort to communicate in a way that she won't read blame into what you say. But my point is that depending on how she functions, there may be times where she reacts the way she does no matter how you communicate. It's best you don't blame yourself for some communication failure in this situation. In some cases the non (person without BPD) may be the trigger, but we are not the cause. I believe that matter how calm I keep things, my wife's BPD finds a way out no matter what.

Does this sound anything like your gf?

All the best
~ROE

Thank you for both of your comments.

I think both of your comments in relation to how reactions to topics can be different at different time. in my girlfriends case this is true in a general sense, but there are certain topics which i class as "forbidden" such as tidying up (which she struggles with) and spending less money. for these topics she could be receptive to the conversation (Eg. about cleaning the house) but others it will trigger her and she will lash out me for "nagging" and "going on and on" and this effectively puts a block on the topic for weeks making, in this example, tidying up impossible... .or sink into deep depression... .)

i recognise the sensitive topics (usually, it can be unpredictable) try and i always to not sound judgemental or assign blame and i try toexplain my motivation ... (eg. we need to tidy up  so it is a better enviroment, spen less money as i have over spent)... .this doesn't seem to matter and it feels to me like she isnt hearing the words im saying and just the mention of the topic is enough to trigger shame and self hatred... i feel like she is projecting her self hatred and blame onto me and feeling like i must be saying what she is feeling about herself... .

as for a cycle she doesnt have a predictable cycle, i take it day by day an try to read her mood and events that have happened that will drain her make the rest of the day difficult for her... .she does also have Bipolar disorder so this is somewhat predictable.