BPDFamily.com

I just discovered this BPD site.  My daughter is once again attacking and I hurt so badly inside... .for her... .for my grandkids and for myself.  As far as I know, she is not under any kind of treatment - but after reading about BPD, she seems to fit the profile to a "t".  She had let me back into her life after a year and a half of verbal abuse (her toward me) and we had 3 months and 6 days of pure joy.  I don't know what to say to her anymore.  I don't know how to answer her abusive text messages.  I don't know how to help!  Any advise or information would be sincerely appreciated... .and just knowing I'm not alone in this struggle has let in a pinhole of light into my abyss of darkness!

Brokenhrtedbear

Hi Brokenhrtedbear and welcome

Pretty well all of us understand when we read your... ."I hurt so badly inside... ." 

With my daughter, too, there has been no official diagnosis as her having BPD.  It has been suggested to us by counsellors we went to and in reading different materials, there are a lot of tick marks to lead us to believe she suffers from it... .and... .we have suffered, too.

We have a long, long history behind us of drama with our daughter... .a  teen runaway, single mother, divorces, custody battles.  We, too, have had periods of joy with her... .but wouldn't go as far as saying those periods were "sheer joy."   Seems as soon as we were lulled into thinking all had changed, we would be taken by surprise with yet another blow-up and us being removed from her life and from the lives of those precious grandchildren we loved so much.

With all that experience behind me, I do have advice to give you.  If you continue to look on yourself as a victim, she will continue in her role as bully.   It took me way too long to pull myself together... .start working my way out of the same "abyss of darkness" you write about.  Believe me, it takes work but it can be done.   You have certainly come to the right place for support as you start making changes.  Remember, though, you cannot change anyone else but you can change yourself.  Others around you feel the shift in the axis which, in turn, causes changes in them.

Hope to hear more from you Brokenhrtedbear.   

Huat

Hi Brokenhrtedbear
Glad you found this place.  It has been and continues to be a real life saver for me.  'Crawling through hell' is a very appropriate description of what we often go through with our children.  I have been cut off from my daughter (30) for two years.   I don't know why.   I know she thinks I am a terrible parent because she lets me know that every chance she gets.   Apparently she doesn't have all of the beautiful memories that the rest of the family does.   Every time I reach out to her (if she acknowledges me) I feel bullied.  As Huat stated, if I continue to be a victim she will continue to be a bully.  So after two years, I have stopped reaching out to her.   I will not be invited to her wedding and probably will not have a relationship with any child that she has.   I am just now learning how to take better care of myself and it makes a big difference.  I have been so overwhelmed with trying to learn about her disorder and help her that I really lost my way. Stay in touch.  We know how much you are hurting.   Scout206

Thank you Huat and Scout206 for your welcome and your replies.  I think my outlook on the situation has an element of hope in it that certainly was not there before.  I've bought two books and I'm devouring them as quickly as possible trying to extract myself from the quagmire of despair - as both of you suggested, stop being the victim!  Thank you for your stories and insights.  Just not feeling alone is wonderful!

I'll keep learning and getting myself stronger.

With gratitude,
Brokenhrtedbear

Oh my gosh. There are so many of us that have been there. My heart hurts for you and your sweet grandkids. I wish there was an easy answer, but there does not seem to be. Please know that so many of us understand completely and hope that you will continue to share your story and we will give support. ((hugs)

Hi brokenhrtedbear

I just wanted to drop in and say hi and that I’m glad you found us.

With the reading will come knowledge and that my friend gives you the power to take control over yourself and how you react. You’ll feel the shift.

There’s no point looking to fix, there’s no fixes. All you can do is accept you cant change another person, change your approach and take better care of yourself.

Keep on posting  :)

LP

Hi Brokenhrtedbear,

                    I'm with everyone else, welcome. And yes crawling through hell sounds all too familiar. I chuckled to myself when I read the "3 months and 6 days" No not because it's funny! Because I too count the days. As of today we are at 3 months 27 days without a meltdown. I hold on so tight to these days, cherishing every one, knowing that in an instant it could change.
                   Sometimes there is no answer for those ugly texts. When I get one of them it hurts my heart, then I just have to let it go. Often I choose not to respond to my daughter. Like others have already said, we can't change them, only ourselves. Never give up hope, it can get better. One of the beautiful things about this place is that the getting better part looks different for everybody, and we share with each other what that looks for us. Sending you hugs   and strength

Thank you bluek9 and Lollypop for your welcoming words.  They are very much appreciated!

Yat4, I also appreciate your greeting.  A hug going out to you for reaching out when life for you, at the moment, is so difficult as well!

I'm on the learning side of the coin and it's just comforting to know I'm not alone!

Again, my thanks,
Brokenhrtedbear

hI Brokenhrtedbear

I just wanted to chime in and say hi.  Your post is like a repeat of my experiences with my BPD daughter these past 12 months. It truly is devastating when your children turn on you.

I'm glad you came here to join us. We really do understand how it is and there is much advocacy and support from parents that can help you to move out of the abyss.  A few things that have really helped me cope in the past few months since I have been cut off from my daughter and granddaughter is about stepping back from the drama and setting some boundaries.  None of us should be abused and I certainly re-iterated this to my daughter before I was cut off.  I also told her I wouldn't engage with her while she was angry.  For you, it may be about validating her emotions to calm her in the first instance until you feel it is ok to engage again.  

Have you have been able to read some of the information to the right  |--->  

Keep coming here Brokenhrtedbear,  I have been here since January and I couldn't have gotten through without the support of people here and the learning I am doing on BPD.  Everyday I learn things, and while I do periodically get dragged back, I make baby steps forward and I can see that I am making progress.

Warm hugs to you.  

Merlot