Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: juju2 on June 29, 2018, 08:53:02 AM

Title: He asked if he can call today.
Post by: juju2 on June 29, 2018, 08:53:02 AM
Hi family, he emailed asking if he could call today.

I emailed yes.   And then emailed, would i be able to find out what the phonecall is about? 

each time i have dealt w him recently , it has been upsetting to me, the last two times.  I want to know what is the reason for the call.    Does that sound ok, or am i too paranoid.?

Thank you, j

Title: Re: He asked if he can call today.
Post by: pearlsw on June 29, 2018, 09:34:09 AM
Hi juju2,

I think one coherent message would have been best, but it is understandable that you didn't have a firm idea for how to handle this ahead of time... .It does sound like more hoops to jump through if he can only call if it is a certain topic and not another. If he says the "right one" what happens when he calls and drifts off topic? Is it better to just deal with him in email if you don't really want to talk?

Do you feel like you are 100% into detaching or where would you rate your percentage on that?

with compassion, pearl.

Title: Re: He asked if he can call today.
Post by: Harley Quinn on June 29, 2018, 10:31:19 AM
If you find it upsetting to talk to him, would it be an idea, as Pearl suggests - not to?  Often in order to fully detach and move on members here find NC is essential.  I know you care about him, as do the majority of us regards our ex partners' wellbeing, however it is possible to care from afar by putting the priority for our care on ourselves and doing what is right for us.  It is a difficult transition to make when we are just allowing us to imagine what life would be like without this person in it.  Our article on No Contact, the Right Way and the Wrong Way says it best:

The key elements of "No Contact" are

to get the partner out of your day-to-day life,
to stop thinking in terms of a relationship,
to take them out of your vision of the future,
to stop wondering about how they are perceiving everything you are doing, and
to stop obsessing with how they are reacting (or not reacting) or what they are doing.

These are the simple objectives of "No Contact". You may need to remind yourself every day of what you are trying to do. It takes focus and determination to do this - at a time when you probably just want to sit down and cry. Just keep reminding yourself that it takes great strength and determination to be emotionally healthy.

You can read the rest of the article, which I recommend, HERE (https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way)

Not everyone goes NC, and NC doesn't have to be a forever thing - in fact it isn't the solution to detaching.  We still have to go through the process of grieving the loss and work on ourselves.  NC is like a crutch which we don't want to rely on long term.  However in the shorter term, in order to actually detach and not continually be drawn back in it does make a huge difference in aiding our progress.  I'd encourage you to keep revisiting what it is that you want and to act in a way that puts that over, both to him and to yourself.

Some members have financial ties, and / or children so cannot go NC, so they are for the most part using Low Contact and BIFF (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=134124.0) responses - only talking about what is absolutely essential to be discussed.  No talk of one anothers' lives or personal affairs, or else that door is left open and it makes it difficult for both parties to let go of hope of reconciliation.

How do you see things working best for yourself juju and what do you visualise your future looking like?

Love and light x  

Title: Re: He asked if he can call today.
Post by: juju2 on June 29, 2018, 12:00:51 PM
i am going low contact, email only, my choice, protecting myself as the last two meetings went badly for me and my well being.  I love him w all my heart.  I am trying to detach... .

He emailed me, he wants to talk to me, he read the amends letter i sent, and we had talked about sharing custody of our cat, who loves him dearly.  She would physically protect him, slept by him when he had his last surgery... .all of these things can be handled by email.  all i see is him wanting something from me, and now is my time for me and what i want.  This is new, as i put others ahead of myself.  This feels strange.

Thank you for your input, experience, strength, and hope.

Fact is, i am not his cheerleader, am not available for relying on.  He needs to experience the absence of me in his life, imho.  For ten plus years, anything and everything he wanted, he got.  It was all about him, i allowed extremely bad behaviour and turned the other cheek.  He hit me twice, in the arm, about a year apart.  My dtr saw that.  He was out of control, and i was deep into codependancy disease.  It is a disease and i am managing it now.
That is new.  its a new world.

Title: Re: He asked if he can call today.
Post by: Harley Quinn on June 29, 2018, 12:56:56 PM
So you two have a dog and a cat together?  Do they both live with him?  I'm wondering how practical it is to move a cat back and forth?  Animals have a tendency to 'go home' if they get out and it's surely better for a pet to have one home.  Do you think you can both agree on where that is and then not have the need for the communication about that?  I know it is hard to lose loved ones, which of course includes pets.  Perhaps one pet could live with each of you and you decide between you who has the dog and who has the cat? 

I worry that with your level of codependency continuing to speak to him right now as you try to detach is like sitting a beer barrel and a glass next to an alcoholic in recovery.  Remember juju, nothing is cast in stone.  What do you think would happen if you asked him not to contact you for a month?  For him, and for you?

Love and light x